Some background -
When my son was born my sister made it very clear that I'm not to ask my mother for help (babysitting or watching him during summer vacations etc...) because when she retires that's "her" time. I had never had plans to ask anyone for help, even though my grandmother watched me and my sister when we were kids so my mother could go back to work. That was 9 yrs ago.
Fast forward -
For the past 6 yrs my sister has owned a small pet store (food, grooming, pet supplies). That she cannot run on her own. She doesn't earn enough to hire someone and she can't find a groomer so she does the groom and my retired mother goes in everyday to help her. My 71 yr old, retired mother stocks shelves, answers phones, schedules appointments, prices products, helps with grooming etc... and doesn't get paid. She does without complaint and my sister still tells me that I can't ask for help because mom's retirement is "her" time.
Fast forward (again) to today.
I call my mother to see how she's doing. She's fallen a couple times and her knees are just not strong enough anymore, and I wanted to give her an update on my daughter.
After I get off the phone with mom my sister calls. She's all dramatic about how she's wanted to talk to me about mom and what's going on. She (sister) has called in the past to complain, yes complain, about my mother because she didn't run a sale right or accidentally gave too much change or not charged enough. Simple mistakes. Today she told me that she wanted to talk to me about mom and her condition. I said I know about her knees giving out and that they are not strong enough. My sister had to take her to a pharmacy to so she could buy handles for the toilet so she could get up and she (mom) wanted to get another set so she could still go and help my sister at the store. Yes, she still is trying to help my sister, the one that is complaining about free help.
Now, my sister is telling me that she doesn't have the time to take care of mom and that she's thinking about putting her in a nursing home. My mom can still take care of herself, cook, clean, etc... it's her knees.
I'm already beyond annoyed because of what she's saying. So I calmly say "not a problem, maybe we can work out a schedule." She said no that she's going to put taking care of mom more on me because she's down at her store 7 days a week.
I have no problem helping my mother, I thought that a schedule (she could do morning and I could evenings) would work for the both us as I'm still looking for work so I can finally get a divorce (sister knows nothing about my situation and it's going to stay that way).
I tried to explain to her that my daughter is sick and there's not much that I can do this week because I don't know if my daughter will be admitted to the hospital. I'm keeping a close eye on her. She seemed more pissed about that. She doesn't want to help mom, but mom can sure as hell bust her ass to help my sister.
My sister has always been this way, everything has to be about her. She lives 5 minutes away from my mom, and that's with traffic on the roads, WITH TRAFFIC she's 5 minutes away. I'm about 20(ish) minutes away. Still not a problem for me. I just wanted a schedule. Nope. It's all me.
So now, I'm taking care of my mother, my kids, keeping up with the condo and things here, trying to find work and prepare for a divorce. I'm not complaining about taking care of my mom, I'm complaining that my BITCH sister is refusing after EVERYTHING my mother has done for her. I was also thinking about relocating down south because the jobs are scarce around here and I need to take care of my kids. That won't happen now because as soon as I leave she'll put my mother in a nursing home.
There's more but I'm to pissed off to type it all.
If you made it this far thank you for your time and patience
Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.
She's always been like this. I remember three Christmas's in a row where she gripped that she didn't get a Nikon camera. We've never had much money but she HAD to have a Nikon. Each Christmas she would piss and moan until the year she finally got it. My mother hid it until all the gifts were opened and my sister still complained. Then my mother reached into her hiding place and under-handed it to her. You can see the look on my mother's face that she angry, but now my sister was happy because she had her camera.
Then I would go kidnapp your mother and let her stay at your place for a week....how's that for anti-codependance
My sister seemed annoyed with me that I didn't just say "Sure, whatever you want." Instead I tried to compromise where we BOTH could help.
As for living arrangements, does your mom know you are planning to D and possibly move? Could she help you financially to move forward with the D, then relocate with you, and you could repay her, or supplement her living arrangements and perhaps you could both benefit if she were able to help with the kids in some way?
Your sister deserves her comeuppance, and this would be a way to deliver it.
Yes, she knows but feels I have to stay until my daughter is grown because I have no help. It's really a messed up situation. Besides that, she's on a severe fixed income. She knows I want to move as well. I'm not sure if she believes that I would, though.
So later today I'm going to call my mother and talk with her to see what's going on. She's trying hard to get strength back in her knees, she wants to go walking but is afraid because she doesn't want to fall. She does do some knee exercises and she walks a specific pattern in her condo for a certain amount of time. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. My sister is taking her, but I know she's pissed.
I hope my sister realizes that she won't get any kind of help from me, ever! It may sound petty, but it is what it is. The problem is, my kids love her.
Seriously! Who says this shit! Who treats a parent like this?
[This message edited by simplydevastated at 1:13 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]
Your sister just pissed me off big time.
Your sister tells you not to have your mom babysit because she is retired and it is her time, but yet your sister has her working in the store without pay? Sounds like she told you that because she needed your mom's help. Now your mom is incoviencing her by her knees and your sister does not want to be bothered and would rather put her in a nursing home instead of being a loving daughter and taking care of her when needed.
Your mom does not need a nursing home if anything maybe a retirement home with others to enjoy time with and go on walks with. And have limited supervision if she needed anything at all.
Your sister is very selfish and if it were me I would tell her exactly where to stick it and why.
I am so sorry, I know the feeling.
[This message edited by Faithful w/Love at 2:15 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
My sister was always the smart one, the good one, you name it. She said once that she was "a good girl big she doesn't smoke." And she dropped a friend because she did. I was appalled.
I agree, there is a place in my town that has different residential areas. There's a rehab section, a nursing home, and an assisted living section. The residents in the assisted living area live on there own and a nurse stops in periodically to check on them. I would feel good about that place because she'll still be own her own, but if she falls someone would be there for her.
I have no problem caring for my mother, running her errands, etc... I saw my mom do it for my Grandmother and saw how hard it was because no one helped her which us why I suggested a schedule so we could be team. I guess I was wrong...
Why has your mom enabled her by "working" for her? What about leaving your sister out of it and deal directly with your mom as it concerns only her anyway?
Because she has never been able to stand up for herself it say no to anyone.
Once I figure out exactly what is going on I think I'm going to do that.
[This message edited by simplydevastated at 3:21 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]