He had the A. And so did you. It wasn't emotional but it was still an A. My behaviour didn't cause my H to have an A. That's his to own and he has. But I know I played a role in pushing my H away. However - he NEVER said this to me - never used it to blame me. Not once. So please don't go that route with your wife.
You and your wife need to talk now more then ever. It's hard to prove what you didn't do - if you did NOT have an affair then give her full reign of your phone/computer, bills, etc. Be an open book. If you DID have an A then give her full reign to all mentioned above. And again, talk.
Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages is a great tool for restablishing love the way YOUR partner NEEDS to receive it.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by LA44 at 1:28 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]
No kissing and weeks turned into months and almost 6 months at a time with really no intimacy
Why was this ok? Was this ok with your wife?
You did have an A.
A bj is an A, it just happens that yours was with a prostitute. Admitting that it was an A, but not a love affair etc, will help your BS.
Writing a timeline will help her to understand, as will owninig your own decisions and not telling her that it was because of the lack of sex from her. That will be a factor, but it is not the deep down reason that you paid for the prostitute, rather than either talking to your wife or getting a divorce. If you tell her it was the lack of sex, you will be blameshifting onto her and making things a lot harder for both of you.
"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13
"Oh God give me
I understand that you loved your wife but why would you be ok with no intimacy?
Unilaterally pulling something off the marital menu is a pretty fucked up thing to do and constitutes an enormous betrayal in its own right.
That said, your choices to deal were shitty and certainly didn't fix anything but made it so very much worse.
Wanting intimacy in a marriage is very valid.
You asked why you couldn't talk to your wife about sex. It sounds like you did, though. She responded that every time you held her sex popped into your mind. That's not a bad thing at all. Was it the only time you showed her affection? I would imagine that being basically celibate, not by your agreement, would have that desire be pretty front and center with close proximity. It's like giving a man a thimble of water when they're dying of thirst then chastising them when they reach for more.
Your coping mechanisms need some real focus. How do you feel you should have handled it and what changes have you made to implement your ideas? Just sucking it up and accepting isn't likely to be too successful.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Then after a fun night of emotionally connecting I would still withhold it from him as if to say, "yeah, that was fun but just bc of one night don't think you are getting any..."
My anger and resentment towards him and others was massive. I felt unappreciated by him and tired by my mundane life in a very small town (grew up in a big city).
Again, I go to IC to work on my intimacy issues. And he goes to IC to work on the why/how of what he did. And together we go to MC to discuss on Wants/Needs/Valuesm Communication styles and critical events timeline.
And speaking of which - I am very sorry you lost your home in Hurricane Sandy. What a nightmare. That alone is a major life changing event.
Also if you have not told her absolutely everything, please do it. Trickle truth kills a marriage and secrets will eat you up inside.
I ask these questions because my FWH and I have discussed this issue and he has admitted some of this type of thinking. He felt like, if I really loved him, I should be able to read his mind and know what he wanted and needed. He realizes now that is totally unrealistic and unfair, but that is where he was at the time he had his A.