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Why Couldn't I Talk to My Wife About Sex

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hurtmywife27 posted 3/26/2013 12:33 PM

After 27 years of M. I broke the most biggest sin in a M. Understand I could talk to my wife about anything and I mean Anything. As the years progressed the desire for me sexually had faded. No kissing and weeks turned into months and almost 6 months at a time with really no intimacy, Understand my wife is no cheater and that I know for sure. But whether I approached her wrong? or like wife said that even when you hold me she says sex pops into my mind. So instead of talking to her, I hired a hooker for a cheap BJ to satisfy my erg! What is wrong with me? I don't want to loose her She is my BF. She doesn't believe a hooker would text back and call you honey or babe but I tried to explain that's the way H talks to make you feel wanted. I have no feelings for a H if that was the case I would have been looking for an A. I am so sorry for what I did and I can't imagine being without her. I told her everything but I cant explain why?
M:27 Years

LA44 posted 3/26/2013 12:42 PM

Hello Hurt, BS here - well, you were getting rejected by your wife. A lot. I rejected my H too. A lot. And it wasn't just sexual. I backed out of dates, conversation, chance for a getaway. Why? I am going to figure that out in IC but I have thought about it a lot.

He had the A. And so did you. It wasn't emotional but it was still an A. My behaviour didn't cause my H to have an A. That's his to own and he has. But I know I played a role in pushing my H away. However - he NEVER said this to me - never used it to blame me. Not once. So please don't go that route with your wife.

You and your wife need to talk now more then ever. It's hard to prove what you didn't do - if you did NOT have an affair then give her full reign of your phone/computer, bills, etc. Be an open book. If you DID have an A then give her full reign to all mentioned above. And again, talk.

Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages is a great tool for restablishing love the way YOUR partner NEEDS to receive it.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:28 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

hardlessons posted 3/26/2013 12:47 PM

No kissing and weeks turned into months and almost 6 months at a time with really no intimacy

Why was this ok? Was this ok with your wife?

Fidelia posted 3/26/2013 12:51 PM

No stop sign....

You did have an A.

A bj is an A, it just happens that yours was with a prostitute. Admitting that it was an A, but not a love affair etc, will help your BS.

Writing a timeline will help her to understand, as will owninig your own decisions and not telling her that it was because of the lack of sex from her. That will be a factor, but it is not the deep down reason that you paid for the prostitute, rather than either talking to your wife or getting a divorce. If you tell her it was the lack of sex, you will be blameshifting onto her and making things a lot harder for both of you.

uncertainone posted 3/26/2013 14:08 PM

Aren't there some states with constructive abandonment where a divorce is granted on the grounds of no sex for a year which goes towards fault?

I understand that you loved your wife but why would you be ok with no intimacy?

Unilaterally pulling something off the marital menu is a pretty fucked up thing to do and constitutes an enormous betrayal in its own right.

That said, your choices to deal were shitty and certainly didn't fix anything but made it so very much worse.

Wanting intimacy in a marriage is very valid.

You asked why you couldn't talk to your wife about sex. It sounds like you did, though. She responded that every time you held her sex popped into your mind. That's not a bad thing at all. Was it the only time you showed her affection? I would imagine that being basically celibate, not by your agreement, would have that desire be pretty front and center with close proximity. It's like giving a man a thimble of water when they're dying of thirst then chastising them when they reach for more.

Your coping mechanisms need some real focus. How do you feel you should have handled it and what changes have you made to implement your ideas? Just sucking it up and accepting isn't likely to be too successful.

hurtmywife27 posted 3/26/2013 15:29 PM

First yes it was my decision to do what I did. 2" I don't blame my wife "I Did This" I am the one that didn't talk when I should of, I am the one that made the choice. I have been BF with my wife for over 28 years. Been through hell and back. Good Times Bad Times and literally bad times when Hurricane Sandy wiped out our house causing $126K damage. I did give my wife BS all my passwords and she has my lap top, cell phone I don't erase until I get home and she can see everything on there. My work computer is hooked up to a multi system and is watched. I text my wife and call her, we talk and we are still trying to put the house back together from the storm. I love my wife and ashamed of what I have done and wish I could go back in time to correct. The pain and anguish I have put me wife through.

LA44 posted 3/26/2013 17:00 PM

Okay but honestly Hurt, what uncertainone says is true - not being intimate is not okay in a marriage. I should know. I spent a lot of time there. After a while I justified it - I would say the same thing to my H that your wife said to you, "oh you just want sex!" Well....he did! Men have a physiological NEED for sex. I didn't make that up.

Then after a fun night of emotionally connecting I would still withhold it from him as if to say, "yeah, that was fun but just bc of one night don't think you are getting any..."

My anger and resentment towards him and others was massive. I felt unappreciated by him and tired by my mundane life in a very small town (grew up in a big city).

Again, I go to IC to work on my intimacy issues. And he goes to IC to work on the why/how of what he did. And together we go to MC to discuss on Wants/Needs/Valuesm Communication styles and critical events timeline.

And speaking of which - I am very sorry you lost your home in Hurricane Sandy. What a nightmare. That alone is a major life changing event.

Good luck to you.

DrivingPast posted 4/15/2013 11:50 AM

I think you need to explore how you were able to pay a woman for sex. I dont think that is something a person just decides on one fine day because their wife hasnt had sex in 6 months. I think its much deeper than that. If you dont truly get to the bottom of it, it could happen again.

Also if you have not told her absolutely everything, please do it. Trickle truth kills a marriage and secrets will eat you up inside.

hopingforhappy posted 4/15/2013 12:02 PM

Is it possible that you didn't feel like you should have to talk about sex with your BW? That there was something wrong with your relationship if you have to talk about these things? That if you had to ask for sex directly, that it didn't really count? That if she loved you, she would do it without having to be asked? In fact, if she loved you, she would be initiating sex herself?

I ask these questions because my FWH and I have discussed this issue and he has admitted some of this type of thinking. He felt like, if I really loved him, I should be able to read his mind and know what he wanted and needed. He realizes now that is totally unrealistic and unfair, but that is where he was at the time he had his A.

hurtmywife27 posted 4/16/2013 17:13 PM

After my bs said its over. I totally losed it, it bought all my childhood fears back and now I
Know I need help from a ic , I have lost the most important person in my life. There is a lot of baggage in my life from 40 years ago and a lot of that stands to be a problem. This monster in me didn't arise until, I failed at my job, treated like a kid at another job and having a boss that was worst then a spoiled brat. Going on unemployment, bankruptcy and the storm. My wife is still standing by me to help me with my issues. Her caring is unbelievable. I am sorry what I did and the big hurt is deep down I know I lost her. I can't blame her. I told her and promised her that she always will have me to help her and I would never leave her financially hurt. We have to many years and no matter what she is still my bf. I should have come to grips with this weeks ago and I would have never lost her

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