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rcantbleveit posted 3/26/2013 17:13 PM

There has been a guy hanging out with and trying to be in a relationship with me for over a year. We've traveled together, talk or text every day and get together often for breakfast, dinner, movies, church, etc.... We both enjoy each other's kids and grand kids. Most people thought we were dating even though I was keeping it in the fried zone.

I wasn't ready to commit to anything permanent because I was still healing from my divorce. Two weeks ago, I went on a 4 day trip with my kids. He sent me text about every 15 min for over an hour listing all the reasons he loved and wanted to be with me.

I thought about how much I was missing him & decided that it was time to commit to him and start anew. I was so looking forward to seeing him.

I called to let him know we were back & although we talked for a while, he never mentioned getting together. He didn't text the next morning as usual nor did we get together again. We talked every day for the next 3 days but he wasn't able to get together.

I ran into him at the bookstore & we were just talkin & laughing when I mentioned him being out of pocket & missing him. He said he was sorry but he had me someone else & he knew now that we weren't going anywhere.

I was shocked. I asked how he could just stop loving me & wanting to get married overnight? He said he didn't know. He meant everything he said to me but once he met her, he knew that's where he wanted to be.

The woman his is with is the ex-gf of a guy in our church. She is 35 which makes her 21 years younger than my guy. She has a 15 yr old son. My guy had made jokes about the om that was hanging out with me because he was 15 yrs younger than me. He also made jokes about a young lady dating a guy that was 20 years older than her. He has said that he never wanted to be with anyone again that had kids at home but he is going full force with this.

He's trading in his car for a new BMW. He is now taking her on a trip that we planned in May. She told one of her friends that he was old enough to be her daddy but she was still going out with him. She is within one year of his daughter's age.

He cut our friendship off as if I didn't mean a thing to him, then he shows up at my house one night saying that he missed me. He needed to know that I coulo still be his friend even though he is going to be in anothr relalionship. He said if it doesn't work out with her, he feels like he needs to date other women because he hadn't dated since his divorce 3 years ago. Some of his resoning was word for word what my X had said about his affair.

Is there any guys out there that know what they want? I can't count the times, guys have been after friends of mine and then when they get them and things are going really well, they say they're not wanting to be n a relationship and go off to be with the next woman they've found.

It gets frustrating!

I.will.survive posted 3/26/2013 17:31 PM

Oh good grief, this guy is messing with your head!

I would NOT want to get into a relationship other than friendship with him. He's not emotionally stable it appears.

And it also appears that you were just about to settle and start dating him.

He's not the one. Keep him in the friend zone, especially when he comes crawling back from his mid life crisis attempt to date this younger woman.

((hugs))

rcantbleveit posted 3/26/2013 17:37 PM

My thoughts exactly! He is acting like a big kid falling all over this girl.

She is a beauty queen and works out at the gym 6 days a week. He is now eating protein bars & working out. He said I was being jealous when I told him it would never work out.

I had to laugh. He looks old for me and he's only one year older. He looks rediculous next to her. She will spend his money until the next younger guy comes along and dump him like a hot rock.

He says he thinks he can be a good influence on her and maybe she won't ever date another loser like before. Whatever!

I.will.survive posted 3/27/2013 05:58 AM

I couldn't help but say "oh good grief" AGAIN when I read your 2nd description of him. SO immature.

Don't compare yourself to this girl...if you are in any way. This is about your friend needing an ego stroke. Thank GOODNESS you don't have to be the one to provide it!

Now back off from the comments regarding this duo and be prepared to see more ridiculous preening on his part. When it falls apart, you just nod and smile. No need to say I told you so.

wonderingbull posted 3/27/2013 11:09 AM

Sit back, grab some popcorn and watch the horror flick that this guy's starring in....

And, consider yourself..... Lucky!

WB

hurtinky posted 3/27/2013 12:30 PM

I wouldn't even want to be his friend.
It would be NC for me.

Helen of Troy posted 3/27/2013 13:24 PM

You sound disappointed.
But, really though, you dodged a bullet you didn't end up with this loose cannon!
What if you gave your whole heart to him and THEN found out he was the King of Flakes??
Personally if it were me he wouldn't even make it to the rank of friend zone.

rcantbleveit posted 3/27/2013 15:17 PM

Oh Ladies..... I was initially hurt & a bit confused by the whole thing. Him proclaiming his love for me, seeking a relationship over & over for the past year, wanting to get married, etc.

However, that lasted about 20 minutes. I was disappointed that after it took me so long to trust him and decide to be in a relationship with him that he had gone absent overnigt. I'm so thankful that I didn't get into the relationship and even more thankful that I never kissed or slept with him.

I totally know that this is about him & not her. She is beautiful and I'm sure she is very nice but I also know that there is no way she has any interest in him other than using him. His daughter is going to be so sickened by the whole thing and that makes me sad. His son will just be angry. He is a leader in the church which is going to also cause him so grief.

I won't be there to pick him up after the fall but I also won't assist in kicking him down. My post was about what is going on these days with men? They just don't seem to know what they want and they are tearing women apart.

rcantbleveit posted 3/27/2013 15:24 PM

Sorry Wondering Bull, just realied there was a man on here. I KNOW not all men are cheaters & I KNOW that all men are not fickle but I've seen it a lot in the past two years and it's been discouraging.

gma56 posted 3/27/2013 15:45 PM

Rcant, you dodged a huge bullet. I'm so glad he showed his true colors before the relationship went deeper. I'm sorry that you were hurt but wow, this could have been a disaster for you.

Big Hugs

[This message edited by gma56 at 3:46 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

exhausted lady posted 3/28/2013 19:44 PM

even though I was keeping it in the fried zone

Even though I know the word "fried" was a typo.....it sure rings true for this dude! Yep, you dodged a bullet. Leave his ass in the "fried zone". He doesn't have right stuff to be a friend....he's fried.

wontdefineme posted 3/29/2013 07:41 AM

Did you hold him at arms length for a year? Maybe he felt rejected and needed to move on. Is he a flake or just like the rest of us and just wants to be wanted. Maybe you just waited too long and he probably wasn't the one and you probably weren't ready. Your feelings shouldn't be hurt, it just wasn't mean to be.

rcantbleveit posted 4/11/2013 10:47 AM

wontdefineme.... There were several reasons to take it slow: He had married his first wife within a year of them dating. She had multiple affairs during their 26 year marriage in which he was aware of and had even participated in one. He divorced her once the kids went to college. The kids do not know about her affairs.

He immediately went on EHarmony and met his second wife. They were married within 6 months of meeting.

She passed away after having cancer. He states that he is a widower, which is true, however his wife had left him & filed for a divorce over a year before she passed away. He had a lot of anger regarding her son, sister and her leaving which he needed to deal with before being in another relationship.

I was still dealing with the trust issues from my divorce and did'nt want to rush into a relationship just to help us feel better.

We started out as friends hanging out with groups of people. We both like traveling & neither of us had others to travel with so we took a few trips together. It was fun, we got closer but neither of us ever crossed the line over friends.

He had started talking about how well we get along & how we would make a good couple about 9 months ago. 3 times he asked me to be in a relationship & each time I said yes, he said he wasn't ready?????? There was a few months between each time. Once he said he only ask me because he got jealous of one of the guys in our group and thought he as going to lose me. Once he ask because he was ready to be in a relationship so he could have sex.

Each time he ask & recoiled, my guard went up. After months of working through the issues,spending a lot of time together and just being there for each other, he starting expressing his love for me & his desire to marry me. I finally trusted him enough to move forward into a deeper relationship at which time he met the OW and jumped ship.

One day he is talking about us getting married and within 4 days, not talking at all. Then he tells me about meeting her and within 2 weeks, they are getting married. I asked how he could spend months trying to get me to trust & love him enough to be in a relationship and then within 4 days decide he's in love with someone else. He said that once he met her, he realized that he could have a much better life and that he would be settling for me.

This is what I find dicouraging. I'm surrounded by divorced people that claim their love for one another and then as soon as someone they consider better comes along, they are no longer in love with the one that has been with them for months or years and they are now off with the new one.

It seems there are so many choices, that people cannot make a choice & stick with it. Just look at the number of people on SI alone that were betrayed by their spouses. The reason these things happen is because someone outside the marriage gave them a choice to try someone new. The choice became an overwhelming temptation that they couldn't resist. Some of them will regret that they made that choice. Some will move on with the new choice. It's discouraging which makes me cautious & guarded. I will not be rushing into a relatioship. If the guy can't wait until I'm secure in that, then he can move on.....

SeanFLA posted 4/11/2013 11:31 AM

I hear exactly what you're saying. I was seeing a woman for the most part of a year, but I was in no rush whatsoever. Weekends and trips were fun. Then she started with the "let's define our relationship" crap....where's my commitment? Knowing I was not far out from being divorced. I told her in no way was I looking for marriage (she was married twice) or to live with someone. She said she wasn't either. I have a very impressionable 13 year old who is on the right track. Honor role in school, getting adjusted to the divorce, etc. I don't want to derail that in any fashion right now. Her reply..."Then why were you on OLD if you didn't want a serious committed relationship with someone?"

When we started dating in the beginning I had told her I was actually kind of shocked where this was going. I didn't expect it and wanted to slow it down. After only two months of dating she began to visualize her 23 year old son doing things with us and my 13 year old. Her son has a 13 year old step sister and he's a great older brother, etc. I tried as hard as I could for 9 months not to introduce her to my son. I wanted to wait at least a full year. She told me during the year she had been "patient" with me. I said "Patient about what? She began with the "I don't understand why" bit with me. I noticed after eight months her passive aggressive jealous side began showing up big time and it was keeping me on pins and needles all the time. The comments began to be too much for me. I work at home and she in an office. She said to me (more than once)..."Well you could be home having affairs with SAHM's during the day and I wouldn't even know about it"

Decided we needed a huge break...well I guess break up.

SBB posted 4/11/2013 17:09 PM

Rushing is a HUGE red flag to me. I don't mean once but I mean twice, thrice etc. Its a pattern.

I can't find the article ATM but there was a great article about rushers and why they rush.

Basically the jazz hands are to distract you from something. Its the pursuit rather than the destination that they are after. What you are describing sounds like the thrill of the chase. Evidenced by the fact that after a year of only wanting you - there's a 2 week hiatus and he has found his next love of his life/victim.

You dodged a bullet for sure.

I fell for it hook, like and sinker with monster. In my heart of hearts I 'knew' but I did so love how he loved me that I threw caution to the wind. I married him within 18m but waited 5.5 years before having kids. I didn't know it then but it was already too late. Not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay was my entire M. Stupid stupid me.

You dodged a bullet - don't be surprised if you are once again in his cross hairs. These people are looking for a warm body.

I don't want someone whose head is just turned by me or someone who just enjoys the chase. I want someone who is really happy to be alone but wants to be with me if that is a possibility. Someone who will go at my pace (or me at theirs if theirs is slower).

I will never, ever be rushed again. I'm well worth the wait and they will be too.

Rella posted 4/11/2013 17:31 PM

Well, it doesn't sound like he can be trusted... the whole thing rings a bell, doesn't it?