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He's back on the road and I'm freaking out

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Chefj9 posted 3/26/2013 18:44 PM

Not doing well this afternoon. Even though WS is doing what he can, I'm having a really hard time snapping out of this depression and funk. I went to the Dr. this morning, adjusted my diabetes meds and started AD's. I've lost 14 lbs in about 2 weeks. All I want to do is lay in bed and read everything and anything I can get my hands on about EMA's. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it guts me wide open again.

My kids are suffering, my brain is consumed all the time with what he and OW did to me. Easter is in a few days, and my Stepdaughter is coming into full communion with the church Easter Sunday. I am having 30+ people for a reception afterwards and I cant even plan a menu (I'm a classically trained chef )

Today I went through some old emails from Jan of 12 that was 3 months after 1st dday during false R. It just really REALLY pissed me off. I was pouring myself out on these pages to him. Doing so much work on myself, desperately trying to save my M. His responses were manipulative, cold and or over the top emotional.... Of course during this time he was still sleeping with her and having a 2nd life in another city.

Just reminded me to put my guard back up. He can be extremely cruel. Another ramble from me..,. just feeling really low and lonely

n0tm3 posted 3/26/2013 19:03 PM

I understand and it sucks. What you are feeling is normal. I am still trying to figure out how to motivate myself through this. I think that if I did not have kids I would be in bed crying day and night. I am thankful they are around so I can not be as selfish as him and indulge myself. I have started making a list or at least a daily goal. One task at a time. The kids will survive this. It is a learning experience for them of how Mom handles herself when times are tough. It is okay to feel sad but you still need to get things done. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Those days when I feel like I just found out nothing does get done. I order take out and I have stopped feeling guilty. One task at a time and give yourself a pat on the back each time.

Ashland13 posted 3/26/2013 19:50 PM

I too am under the covers and can't stand myself for it when our daughter is around.

I discovered something I don't know if it will help, but on a site I can't find again, it talks about BS's possibly falling into PTSD and it fits when the grief is all-consuming. Reading about it has helped me, like Chef said about reading in general.

My grief is beginning to be helped in very small ways. It's 2.5 months since DDay for me and I try to think of my daughter and baby to be, but of my daughter and her reactions on Easter to stuff I got her. Or getting the egg hunt ready. I look at the stuff and think of the colors.

I will admit that one of my first lightbulbs during the grief is light-the sun on my face was first and was a symbol that I knew life before I knew WH-who is leaving me permanently for OW.

Next during the grief I found myself very drawn to specks of bright color and my mind would focus on that.

And when its really bad, I get in the car and drive. If DD is home, I get her and crank that music up. I force myself to hear the songs words or pick an instrument rift to follow-something to reel yourself in to right now.

The last part is some meditation I have learned. I tell myself repeatedly "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. He's not here and I'm okay. She's okay." And sometimes I even think of what clothes I'm wearing and name objects on them or objects on the rug in the room.

These are little meditation tactics that really have helped the grief and depression stage I am in.

I also remind myself constantly that WH is not the same person for me-that person died.

I hope any of it will help any of you. For me, I have a pretty good virtual help desk, but I feel selfish getting tired of platitudes and need something to do to push the thoughts out.

Ashland13 posted 3/26/2013 19:52 PM

P.S. One other thing that helped me the first week was the realization that I could do things on my own to provide comfort to other people or animals, even in my down time, and that gave me comfort like nothing else. It gave back an ounce of the stolen pride, but I hope a kind of pride that is ok to have. Maybe self esteem is a better word?

newnormal posted 3/30/2013 07:59 AM

Wow, you're a classically trained chef? Rock on girlfriend!

What you are feeling is normal. It's okay. One day at a time and you will come out of this. But gently, as someone who has btdt, are you in therapy? It sounds like you have been beat down, gaslighted over a long period of time. No wonder you can't think straight. Therapy can be your frontal cortex (brain) to help you sort this out. It can give you tools to help you

((((Hug))) mojo for a delicious meal.!

Chefj9 posted 3/30/2013 08:18 AM

Thank you both for the great supportive words. I am in IC and will start going twice a week, starting next week. Last week my therapist told me that I am suffering from PTSD. Exercise, more books to read, vitamin suppliments and lots of talking. I really shut down when he left town. But we got through it and he's home for Easter weekend. I managed to get out yesterday and did the food shopping and my husband treated me and our girls to mani/pedis. I started crying at the nail salon but managed to pull it together and my husband stayed right by my side. Today I have a large menu to execute, and it has to happen..... So, every day I get up is progress.

(((Hugs))) hate that we're all here, but so grateful for my SI friends

Chefj9 posted 3/30/2013 08:18 AM

Thank you both for the great supportive words. I am in IC and will start going twice a week, starting next week. Last week my therapist told me that I am suffering from PTSD. Exercise, more books to read, vitamin suppliments and lots of talking. I really shut down when he left town. But we got through it and he's home for Easter weekend. I managed to get out yesterday and did the food shopping and my husband treated me and our girls to mani/pedis. I started crying at the nail salon but managed to pull it together and my husband stayed right by my side. Today I have a large menu to execute, and it has to happen..... So, every day I get up is progress.

(((Hugs))) hate that we're all here, but so grateful for my SI friends

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