Just hugs. False R sucks.
You can't prove that the withholding of information was intentional or malicious. If your spouse says it wasn't, what choice do you have other than to accept what they are telling you? You begin to feel guilty for assuming that your spouse had destructive intentions. As the pattern repeats over and over again, it erodes relationship trust. You feel that no matter what you do you can't win, because somehow it will always be your feelings that are at fault. This psychological invalidation (to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings) is an attempt to control how the spouse feels about the situation. It seems there is never any resolution on your end to the constant lying by omission. Your partner seems fine with that, but you are left with this sneaking suspicion that asking the right question is your only means to get the truth, shifting the responsibility of truth to you. Lies of omission make you feel as though it is your fault for not asking the specific question that would get you the truth. Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection, by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal When the explanations just don't add up, and pressure is applied to the spouse, their intent to to be less than honest, becomes a side-effect of either, a defect in you, your inability to handle the truth, or, a display of your spouses concern for your feelings. Often, whichever angle is chosen, is dependent upon the betrayed spouses emotional approach to the situation. If you approach them with indignation at being deceived, their omissions become a reaction to your inability to handle the truth, or their uncomfortableness with your inappropriate reactions: If you didn't get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn't have to withhold the truth. If you weren't so controlling I'd feel comfortable being honest. I can't handle your anger when I'm doing something you don't like, so I lied because your so angry. This approach of course implies that the defect is in you and your inability to handle the truth, not in their inability to be honest. Or, if approached with immense hurt, the omissions become a result of their love for you. I knew it would upset you, so I lied to spare your feelings I didn't want you to worry, so I thought it best you didn't know I thought you'd be sad, and I can't stand to see you like that! I thought I was protecting you. This approach implies that their lying is justified, and in your best interest. Excusing the lying as done out of love.
Read more at: http://healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html Copyright © www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info
It's a special kind of evil.
Im not sure if it's occurred to you yet,but there is a good chance...a very good chance..that he has shared your username here on SI with the OW. It isn't at all uncommon for WS's who take it underground. It's like they get off on your pain.
The lies this man has told...wow.
Please take care of yourself today.
[This message edited by confused615 at 7:54 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I can't offer much advice since I'm a month out from D-Day #2 and two weeks since D-Day #3. But I can truly relate what it does to your mind and heart.
I honestly didn't think anything could hurt more than D-Day#1 - until I got my second. For your H to be so willfully destructive towards you is the lowest of human behavior. Its hard not to think of them as anything but monsters.
Stay strong (((naivewife)))
Im wondering if he told you the affair never ended because of all the posts on your thread in general,telling you to report her. He knew if you did that,then it was going to come out anyway.
