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It was all a lie - D-day #2

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naivewife posted 3/26/2013 21:26 PM

Here I am again, nine weeks later, d-day number 2. He was a damn good liar. (Until he finally decided to tell the truth tonight.)
Meet tootrusted, he will be joining the Wayward Side when his account is approved.
Don't really have anything else to say right now.

Theunwilling posted 3/26/2013 21:41 PM

I'm am very sorry. I had 3 seperate ddays of WH vomiting the truth . It's horrible. I'm sorry ur going thru this. I'm here. Is this something u can work thru?

lost_in_toronto posted 3/26/2013 21:42 PM


Just hugs. False R sucks.

get-a-brain posted 3/26/2013 22:13 PM

I think wayward spouses have lying down to a science. The crazy feeling of knowing in your gut you're being deceived, but not having any tangible proof. Lying by omission is part of this crazy making process - it's lying by either omitting certain facts or by failing to correct a misconception. I also like to call this "playing dumb". If this has been a long term pattern in the relationship, the receiving spouse has been somewhat conditioned to except rational explanations and ignore their "gut instincts" for fear of appearing irrational, controlling, or crazy. Being unsure of your status in the relationship makes you feel insecure and uncertain. It appears as though there are two sets of rules in the relationship, one set for you and one set for your spouse.

You can't prove that the withholding of information was intentional or malicious. If your spouse says it wasn't, what choice do you have other than to accept what they are telling you? You begin to feel guilty for assuming that your spouse had destructive intentions. As the pattern repeats over and over again, it erodes relationship trust. You feel that no matter what you do you can't win, because somehow it will always be your feelings that are at fault. This psychological invalidation (to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings) is an attempt to control how the spouse feels about the situation. It seems there is never any resolution on your end to the constant lying by omission. Your partner seems fine with that, but you are left with this sneaking suspicion that asking the right question is your only means to get the truth, shifting the responsibility of truth to you. Lies of omission make you feel as though it is your fault for not asking the specific question that would get you the truth. Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection, by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal When the explanations just don't add up, and pressure is applied to the spouse, their intent to to be less than honest, becomes a side-effect of either, a defect in you, your inability to handle the truth, or, a display of your spouses concern for your feelings. Often, whichever angle is chosen, is dependent upon the betrayed spouses emotional approach to the situation. If you approach them with indignation at being deceived, their omissions become a reaction to your inability to handle the truth, or their uncomfortableness with your inappropriate reactions: If you didn't get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn't have to withhold the truth. If you weren't so controlling I'd feel comfortable being honest. I can't handle your anger when I'm doing something you don't like, so I lied because your so angry. This approach of course implies that the defect is in you and your inability to handle the truth, not in their inability to be honest. Or, if approached with immense hurt, the omissions become a result of their love for you. I knew it would upset you, so I lied to spare your feelings I didn't want you to worry, so I thought it best you didn't know I thought you'd be sad, and I can't stand to see you like that! I thought I was protecting you. This approach implies that their lying is justified, and in your best interest. Excusing the lying as done out of love.

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brokenprincess posted 3/26/2013 22:17 PM

In order to make sure I got all the Ddays right I would have to write the day of the beginning of the relationship up to the current date. He lies then treats me like shit for figuring it out. It somehow is all my fault.

confused615 posted 3/27/2013 07:54 AM

Im so sorry. To continue an affair after the first dday is cruel. The WS is watching you go through Hell,pretends to care and comfort,and the entire time he is still fucking around.

It's a special kind of evil.

Im not sure if it's occurred to you yet,but there is a good chance...a very good chance..that he has shared your username here on SI with the OW. It isn't at all uncommon for WS's who take it underground. It's like they get off on your pain.

The lies this man has

Please take care of yourself today.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:54 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

noprincess posted 3/27/2013 12:10 PM

So sorry naivewife. Many hugs to you.

I can't offer much advice since I'm a month out from D-Day #2 and two weeks since D-Day #3. But I can truly relate what it does to your mind and heart.

I honestly didn't think anything could hurt more than D-Day#1 - until I got my second. For your H to be so willfully destructive towards you is the lowest of human behavior. Its hard not to think of them as anything but monsters.

Stay strong (((naivewife)))

confused615 posted 3/27/2013 12:14 PM

How are you doing,honey?

Im wondering if he told you the affair never ended because of all the posts on your thread in general,telling you to report her. He knew if you did that,then it was going to come out anyway.

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