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More confused than ever by BH

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WishingForLethe posted 3/26/2013 23:12 PM

I don't know if this is appropriate to post here, but I have not had the courage to post in the Divorce forum. It does not feel too WS friendly there (not that I blame them).

I am feeling very confused. Since BH asked for the divorce, he is so loving- more so than he has been in so long. He is constantly hugging me, told me he missed me over the weekend when he was away and has twice told me he loves me since he left this week for work.

All I can think of is the relief of making a decision and ending the year of limbo has taken the pressure off of him, so he is free to be more expressive. He keeps saying he doesn't WANT the divorce, but he has no choice. This frustrates me to no end. If you don't want to do something that will clearly hurt so many people you love- why are you doing it?

I am committed to making this as easy on him as possible- but this is so hard. He is still living here and snuggling up to me at night (comfort only)- so it is like I am grieving the marriage but it still goes on in some sad sort of ghost fashion.

I am worried that some part of me might be holding onto hope that he will change his mind- but I don't think it would be healthy to go back to limbo. He was so unhappy. It seems too co-dependent to receive so much comfort from the person hurting me. I know I could draw a line and say- sleep upstairs, move out now (he wants to wait until his travel schedule lets up in a few weeks), but I crave every minute with him as any second could be the last. Does that sound sick?

Just reading what I typed seems so weak and against everything I have been working towards. I don't know what a healthy way forward would even look like right now.

Luckily, I have my first IC appointment in several months tomorrow morning, so maybe she will help me navigate these emotional landmines. But I had to get something out tonight in order to sleep.

Thanks for being here SI.

5454real posted 3/26/2013 23:38 PM

BH here and I hope it's ok. He may not want the D. He might be doing it to 'save himself', Yet be clinging to the hope to get an answer that makes sense to him. Could that question be:

If you didn't want to do something that would clearly hurt so many people you love- why did you do it?

Did he ever get an answer that made sense to him? Can/did you give him one?

I've seen some of your posts. I know you've been putting a lot of work into this. I actually really hope your BH can get through this, and the two of you can R.

I venture in from time to time to maybe someday get an answer that makes sense to me. My fWW seems to be trying very hard. So far, the answers don't make sense to me. I keep coming to the same question you asked almost verbatim. Could your BH be in the spot?


badchoice posted 3/27/2013 00:15 AM

I am sorry that you are struggling with this.

I am worried that some part of me might be holding onto hope that he will change his mind- but I don't think it would be healthy to go back to limbo.

I could have written this myself. I too held on for so long to that hope, but one day it started to slip away, and every day it gets easier and easier to accept that this will end with a D. BS and I have been separated for almost a year, I think living together would not have been good for my being able to detach.

I don't know if this is appropriate to post here, but I have not had the courage to post in the Divorce forum. It does not feel too WS friendly there (not that I blame them).

I can relate to this. I have been reading in D/S a lot, but have not posted there yet.

I think the sooner you start to detach, the better for you, both of you actually. What are you doing to get yourself some support?

Anyway, I wish you luck in this. You never know what the future holds.

uncertainone posted 3/27/2013 00:33 AM


I feel more comfortable here too. Still working through some things and feel at "home" here.

I kind of feel I hit divorce and seperation when I was married.

My new beginning is here making sure it truly is new and not a continuation of some rather troubling old things.

Good byes are tough. Sometimes they are more a process than an event. Letting go of all the connections you have and grieving. No matter how fucked up our choices were and what hell we brought on ourselves and our spouses I doubt very many of us got married ever thinking this would be a part of our lives.

Taking time to reflect on the enormity of that while going through a very real very big ending is gonna be double tough.

Hang in there and remember that our paths are forward and the past is not where we live, if we go back and visit it too much we can end up forwarding our mail there and it's really just shadows anyway.

You're real and living your new changes right this moment. You wouldn't even fit back there anymore so...onward. New opportunities. Fresh starts. New beginnings.

Spoiler alert. Pretty exciting and wonderful.

Mrs Panda posted 3/27/2013 20:47 PM

I think you should tell him the mixed message is not ok. Then tell him you want R. Sometimes I wonder if we (humans, but often WS) really communicate our wants. Conflict avoidance and all that.

Tell him everything you are doing to be better. Tell him about your posts on SI. Print them out. The changes you are making are only obvious to you. Show him.

WishingForLethe posted 3/27/2013 22:18 PM

MrsPanda- He knows. In fact, he always tells me how proud of me he is of all the changes I have made. That is one change I am so happy to have made- I speak my mind now. In fact, he feels he can finally forgive me and release his anger. He does not have to deal with it anymore. He is leaving and putting it behind him. He has known I wanted R every day. The good thing about this is I know I did everything I could not only to save the M, but to help him along in his healing journey.

5454real- i spent the last 15 months on my why. Both of us seem at peace with the answers. Intense IC, reading, self-reflection and living the changes I committed to make. There are some things which cannot be undone. It was just a deal breaker. The "answer" may satisfy, but does not heal.

UO- as always, thank you. I admit I am afraid of the uncertainty of the road ahead, but I would not go back to the person I was (or the M I had) before the A. I don't kid myself- I know it will get so much harder before I see the light of day, but at least I know it is up there somewhere.

hatefulnow posted 4/19/2013 19:48 PM

((( )))

Theradin posted 4/20/2013 14:12 PM

BS here (hope that's OK?)..

Although I haven't been in this exact situation, and am unlikely to be there, as our R is going very well with WS, and has been ever since she changed, started to 'grow up' emotionally, became remorseful, and showed TRUE love to me for the first time in our 10-year relationship (8-year marriage).

But just because I haven't been in that exact same position, doesn't mean the intent/motivation behind your BH's actions involving seeking a D aren't similar to what many of us have felt or do currently feel.

If I had to wager a guess, it sounds like your BH is looking for closure to all this 'madness', and perhaps he doesn't feel he can get true closure from you. That isn't to suggest you haven't been forthright and open, maybe you have. But, maybe what he 'needs' from you is something you either cannot deliver on, or that hasn't been delivered yet. And for a BS, that can leave them in chaos (mentally) and limbo, and it simply isn't sustainable in the long term. So, although he may not truly want to get a D, he may feel that is the only option to end his pain and suffering. Think of it this way: although the D sucks, it would suck WAY more to live the next 1,2,5,10,etc., years in mental chaos and purgatory, in a sense. It may not be that way for you, as a WS (just conjecturing here, I may be totally 'off'), but for your BH, if he is like most all BS' around these forums, then the mental stuff is often described as worse than death (not trying to be overly dramatic, and although I haven't used that term personally, I read it from a LOT of BS').

If you haven't done so already, and if you are truly serious about R, I would STRONGLY suggest you and your BH get into MC IMMEDIATELY! That may be your only chance at salvaging anything.

Lastly, I would strongly recommend talking to him about the mixed messages he is giving you. That doesn't seem consistent with true R. So if he wants R, then he can continue doing what he's doing. But if he wants D, then he needs to stop 'leading you on', in a sense.

Again, just my $0.02.

Best of luck to both of you!

badchoice posted 4/22/2013 17:49 PM

slight t/j but -

Theradin - thank you for posting this. it makes sense to me and my situation.

end t/j

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