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KAJENO2000 posted 3/27/2013 09:33 AM

Little story on the background.

My WH and I have been married for 12 1/2 years and have an 11 yr old DD and 5 year old B/G twins. We met while stationed in Germany and got married 4 months later.

In December my WH came to me and said that he was no longer in love with me and that he was not sure how he felt. I was numb and not sure how to feel. He told me he has felt like this for 3 years but wanted to see if his feelings would change or if could confrom to the changes.

Once he told me this I started snooping and found that he had been texting and call OW excessively for 3 months. One month he talked to her for 971 minutes and almost a 1000 text messages. I also found a receipt in his wallet for a prepaid cell phone and minutes. I waited a little to confornt him. At first he denied the phone and amount of calls when I showed it to his face but then he figured out that duh...evidence is right here.

Fast forward to January and he told me that he was will to work on the marriage to see if it would work. I asked him one thing and that was to stop texting her. Well duh. I should have known WH could not stop texting OW. His excuse has been and always will be she is just a friend. They both work together and are cops. Her husband is also a cop. My WH tells me that OW texts and messages a lot of her co-workers. Okay...they are not my husband.

Anyways..we decided to go ahead and divorce because I couldn't trust him and he didn't want to give her up.

This past Friday I told him I was done trying to get him to change his mind, that I don't love him and I would never ask him to work on the marriage. Well WH texted Monday at work as I was walking to the lawyers office for a consultation that "the past 3 days haven't been that bad. Just a thought". I started laughing. When I got back to work he said "since the past few days haven't been that bad maybe our marriage can be saved". I talked with him last night even though he didn't want to talk to me. I told him that I would work on the marriage with him only if he could do a few things because if he didn't I would not and would not care if our marriage would work out. I asked WH if he would stop texting OW all together and give me access to his cell phone records. Well it took WH 10 mintues sure was his answer. I don't know what to do if anything.

I don't want my marriage to end because I do love him but I feel there may be more than he is telling me that they are just friends. He does not believe that what he did was an emotional affair.

Kajem posted 3/27/2013 09:59 AM


Welcome to SI, where no one wants to belong but everyone is glad you found your way here.

Others will be along shortly.

If you have time read in the healing library lots of very good information there. Upper left in the yellow box.

Keep posting... it helps you begin to make sense of all the nonsense that you are going thru. And others here will help you make sense of it... because they have been there and done that.

Hugs and Welcome,


PS... I don't normally find my way to this room... but your name and mine are very similar.

More hugs,

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/27/2013 10:00 AM

I'm awful sorry you find yourself here.

Please don't ever settle for "not that bad." You deserve better than that.

Not only that, but your husband has ZERO remorse for hurting you the way he has. If he doubts how he's felt for supposedly the last 3 years, then why does he all of a sudden want to hold on?

Lastly, he can give you access to his phone records all he wants. Problem is, he's a sneak and using a pre-paid phone and hiding it from you - all so he can text his 'friend.'

I'd go to the lawyer anyway. A little knowledge is a powerful thing and will serve you if you need it.

Good luck to you.

KAJENO2000 posted 3/27/2013 10:25 AM

Thanks for the welcome. I have been lurking for a little over a week now trying to comprehend all of this and make sense of all of this.

I don't think he is remorseful either. I just don't know if he wants to try because of the amount of child support he will be paying or because he will thinks there is a chance.

I also don't feel he is telling the truth about her. Nothing physical may of happened but something emotional did happen. We went to a marriage counseler two times and she even told WH that it was an emotional affair and he still thinks it was not.

I did go to the lawyer yesterday for the consultation and I am glad I did. Now I need to decide if I want to work on this marriage or leave his ass.

Thanks again for the welcome.

hopefulmother posted 3/27/2013 14:41 PM

I wouldn't believe him about her texting other co-workers. He may be using that as an excuse to cover up how involved they are. Confront the other spouse. Get someone else on board to help you put a stop to the A. Mine had an EA. I wish that I had blocked the OW's phone number right away. If you have access to your account code. You can look that up on-line and do it from there. But, only if he wants to R. My concern would be that if he can't text...he will carry it on in person at work. He doesn't seem that remorseful or seems to care that it stops. Sorry you have to go through this.

KAJENO2000 posted 3/27/2013 15:17 PM

I don't believe him one bit about how many times OW texts other people. I really don't. I am not sure that he wants to end his "friendship" with her because he didn't the first time I asked him to stop. Last night when I asked him he through his hands up in the air and said "SURE" and that was after ten minutes of waiting for an answer. I do deserve better but I do want my marriage.

I told him that I will no longer plead and beg. I have left him alone for a couple of days and then he makes that comment. So of course we are going to have to talk and make some boundaries but he doesn't think he has to because he is a grown man.

I am going to call the lawyer in the morning to have her draw up the separation paperwork because I don't think I can do this anymore with his attitude. His whole attitude seems like he doesn't really care.

I would like to confront her BS but all three of them are in law enforcement. I don't know how to go about that issue. Her BS is a higher up in a different department.

hopefulmother posted 3/27/2013 16:05 PM

My husband got the same defensive attitude when I asked him to stop talking to the OP's BF. He is still thinking about himself and how you are making things hard for him. It doesn't sound like he cares how this has hurt you. Sounds like he is still being selfish.
Maybe show up at work one day. They didn't care about what they did to you, so don't let him guilt you into keeping quite unless you fear for your life. In that case, get help.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 4:07 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

startingover1090 posted 3/27/2013 16:57 PM

I just wanted to let you know that your story is very similar to mine. I got the "were just friends" bit as well as the "we all text everyone" bit. Looked at his phone records and he only texted her all day and a few other male coworkers a couple of times a week... he under exaggerated to make it seem less than it was and since I trusted him I just told him "OK, whatever". He ended up having a one time PA thought after his month long EA with this girl. I also got the "I don't love you anymore and I held on because I thought things would change" speech.

I am sorry your here and I am not much help but most of all it's nice to know your not alone and your not here.

KAJENO2000 posted 3/27/2013 17:03 PM

Thanks again everyone. When all of this happened I felt like I was along and now I don't.

I know my WH is being selfish and has really shown no remorse for what he has done. I think I may confront the OH but how do I go about doing that when all I have is call logs and text message logs.

I hate to see that other people are going through the same thing or close to the same thing that I am am really grateful for the advice that I get.

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