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Classic letter in the mail

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Lily79 posted 3/28/2013 09:15 AM

So I got a classic letter in the post.
Turns out my H has had a few A's and someone wanted me to know.
I confronted him and this time he confessed, he says he took a good look at his life two years ago and turned it around and hasn't cheated since...he is a very good lier however as I believed him when an OW contacted me five years ago and he strung me some lies about a vengeful to say I feel very stupid that I believed him.
After the first time everything was great, we got married, had a child, we are currently in the midst of emigrating to another country (which he admits was in part a way of starting out fresh) and now this kick in the guts.
It's too late to back out of moving and besides we're moving back to my home where all my support is, but that means I have three tricky months ahead, travelling with a known cheat.
He wants to stay together, I've told him I just don't know if I can do that to myself...
He admits the cheating came from something wrong with his personality, something that was wrong before he met me. This was never an issue of falling for someone else, he just has a deep problem with how he approaches relationships and sex.
Yuck, I don't know if I can go through with therapy and all the trust issues crap although its early days yet, I'm tempted to leave but I want to attempt R for our daughters sake...
Any serial cheater survivors out there?

Skan posted 3/28/2013 14:08 PM

I'm so sorry that you had the reason to find us, but I'm so happy that you did, so that we can try to hlep support you.

If you haven't already, please look in the upper left corner, for a yellow box that says The Healing Library. Click on that and start reading. There is a lot of really good information there for you. Also, any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it is also very good information.

Please realize that you do not have to "do" anything right now. You can take your time and figure out what you really want to do. Definately I would not slow down the move since it will be back to your support system. And it's good that your WH owns up to the fact that there is something broken, something wrong in him, to become a cheater. That's actually a very positive step because YOU did not cause him to stray. There may have been problems in the marriage what marriage doesn't have them? But the decision to cheat was all on him.

No matter what he says, you will need to verify that he isn't cheating now by demanding access to all of his electronic devices and their passwords so that you can check them at any time. And he needs to come clean to you about all of his A's. And unfortunately, you and he will need to be checked out for STDs/HIV. You will need to see him results personally or have them relayed to you by his doctor because, unfortunately, you cannot trust that he will tell you the truth. That's a horrible thing to have to face, believe me, I know. But face it you must for your health's sake. (((hugs)))

Please come back often to post. We're all here to help you and support you.

noprincess posted 3/28/2013 14:13 PM

Hi Lily79,

So sorry you are here. Some of the vetrans will be along shortly to give you some good advice and direction...and yes, there are threads for serial cheaters...and yes, you will survive - if your M does depends almost 100% on your H. But you're in the right place now, just found out.

You are feeling everything at once and very likely think you are losing your mind. Just remember, you don't have to make any decisions right now - you're not in the right frame of mind to. Simply focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter.

Hugs to you (((Lily79)))

nowiknow23 posted 3/28/2013 14:14 PM

Welcome to SI, Lily79. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us.

There are many members here who have experience with serial cheaters. Some of those serial cheaters are also sex addicts. I don't know if that's something you suspect of your WH, but it is worth considering and looking into, especially if you are considering whether R is a possibility.

There is deadline for making a decision. Right now, you priority has to be caring about yourself and your daughter. Everything else will come in time.

(((((Lily79))))) <-- those are hugs.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/28/2013 14:53 PM

Do what you have to do to get back to your country. Once there, then you can decide whether you want to deal with him or not.

At least you're going back home.

Lily79 posted 3/29/2013 03:54 AM

Thank you everyone, H and I have been talking constantly since that wonderful letter arrived.
At least he finally is telling the 'truth', I bloody hope so! and He is admitting he has a problem that goes further than just the A's.
I think there is hope, if not for our relationship (and I will travel with him and see what happends) then maybe for him in the future (I of course will be fine either way given time).
Why they are soo stupid is beyond me however, what a sad pathetic thing to do!

TrustGone posted 3/29/2013 04:29 AM

Hi Lily79,

I am so sorry this has happened to you too. It sounds as if you have the right attitude. You have to be willing to lose them sometimes to save yourself. R is a hard road with many bumps and curves. He has to be willing to be 100% committed to the marriage and fixing himself or R will never work.

Do not believe anything he tells you at this point. He is in cover-his-ass mode right now. The only thing he can do now is prove himself through his actions. He has to be willing to be totally transparent, go to IC to fix himself, help you to heal from this betrayal,and answer any and all questions you may have. It is possible to reconcile, but it is up to him to prove himself now.

Do not let him blame you or the marriage for his betrayal. It has nothing to do with you. It is something broken in himself and he will have to dig deep to discovery what that is. It is a long process and will not happen overnight. It usually takes anywhere from 2-5 yrs to R from an affair and thats if you are both really wanting to do that.
Do not feel guilty if this is a deal breaker for you. Sometimes no matter what they do, it is not enough to save the marriage.

Just give it some time. Get back home to your family for support and keep posting. Weekends can sometimes be slow, especially on holidays, so don't be discouraged if it takes a little while for people here to respond. You will however never find a more supportive forum than SI. The people here are great support when you need it. (((HUGS)))

Rella posted 3/29/2013 07:48 AM


Welcome to SI, but so sorry to hear of your sadness.

Attempting R for your daughter is OK, but in the end be sure that you are staying together (if it works out that way) for each other. I lived a sham for so long (for the kids, he said after dday), that I was miserable for years but just wouldn't admit it.

For now, be kind to yourself, and understand that serial cheating isn't about you, but rather some sick issue with the WS's self-esteem. That doesn't make it right or acceptable, just hard to deal with. In time, you will decide what you can and can't live with.

Visit often!


tushnurse posted 3/29/2013 07:48 AM

Welcome Lily,

It sounds like your H (if he is telling the truth) has come to grips with the reality of the situation, and that he knows there was something fundamentaly wrong with him. If he has figured out the cause of the A, he is way ahead of the game on healing from what he has done. If he hasn't and is just making a fresh start with the hopes that he won't do it again, then he really needs to do some hard work in figuring out the WHY's of what he did. Otherwise he will repeat his actions. I do want you to know that in my situation my H was really messed up for a while and trying to figure out why he was so damned unhappy. He sought out the advice of a divorce attorney, she bedded him. (nice right). Anyway - they had an ongoing affair that was oddly more physical at the beginning, and more emotional on the back side. My H realized he wanted his life, his family, his wife, and started making the changes within himself before I finally had proof that he was in an A. At that point their relationship was more EA than PA. My point being had I not figured it out, and gotten my proof, I think my H would have eventually ended it on his own, as he was fixing what was broke within himself, that being said he would have taken that secret to his grave, to "avoid all the pain and hurt" he caused me. He gets now that he had to share, and we both needed to do some work to get us well again.

The devastation of realizing, and begining to heal from an A, or multiple A's is a very difficult thing. You don't have to make any decisions now.

But if your H is starting to do the hard work of R before you even knew and he is being honest, and remorseful, and transparent, well then there is a chance for R.

((((and welcome))))

keep posting, there are many great people here that can help you through this. Wahtever decision you make is the right one for you. No judgement here.

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