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HeartacheNoMore posted 3/28/2013 16:56 PM

I am 9 months from d-Day. There were really about three d-Days due to Trickle Truth and this is what I learned. We are old(er), retired, so these events go way back some of them. I discovered last May that H had been having an intense emotional affair with my sister-in-law. This is Affair #4. He has confessed to their having oral and non-penetrating sex a few times. That there was any sex took two d-days, 3 weeks apart, for him to tell me. Now, at this juncture, I think I was had. I don't believe that they didn't have intercourse. Did or didn't, the painful part is how close they were;, how often they talked, texted or emailed; and how much time they spent together while he remodeled her house among other things.

He confessed to A#1 on the first d-Day for A#4. A1 was a 2-month affair that he said he had in graduate school many years ago. At first I dismissed its importance because it was so long ago, but since then it has also eaten me up because he never told me, it was only a year after our marriage and because the only reason he gave for their breaking up was that he discovered she'd been sleeping around with other people.

A#2 was something I'd learned about years ago. I found out from the OW, the wife of one of H's college friends when I answered her call at work for a job (she didn't know I worked there). She told me immediately that they'd "almost screwed" the summer before. He told me that night that, when he realized she was just trying to get back at her husband for something, he kicked her out. Now, why I accepted that answer, I simply cannot say. I remember being in shock for a few weeks - true shock: no crying, no talking, just stunned silence. But then, we moved on. I accepted that it was a mistake and didn't dwell on it.

I learned about A#3, also years ago, in late August. At first, he said it had been just flirting with the wife of a couple we were close friends with, but he said it went on for years. Finally in Nov. when we were talking on Skype, I got more - there had been lots of petting and whatever but nothing below the waist. She stopped it, he said at first, but later said he stopped it. I now have doubts about the truth of how far they went.

We had MC from Aug. to Nov. before moving out of state. It took that long to find the right therapist. She was great but obviously that's not long enough. After moving, I decided to go sort things out by myself and have been out of the country since Nov. H and I are communicating via email - sometimes.

I have read most of the FAQs here. I have been posting on since June and that's been helpful. I am still completely obsessed with the facts. H was never forthcoming; I always had to drag out any disclosures. His only saving grace is that he makes no excuses, accepts full culpability, says it was wrong and never blames me. He ended the affair immediately and began NC. I have no doubt at all about the NC. He is not in touch with her; I have no doubt about it. He does show true remorse and is compassionate 99% of the time (3-4 times he reacted angrily) and begs me to forgive and trust him. He says he wants to make this work. He has been completely transparent. He doesn't keep secrets. I have access to everything, all accounts. I do not suspect ANYTHING at all in the present, but frankly I think that means zip. He's pretty much numb, too, from being found out. He told our adult children and had to move. It's been a big blow to his self-image as a good person (I'm NOT saying this out of compassion - just information).

Here are the HOWEVERS:
He always hated talking about the affairs, but more and more so as time goes on. He simply is not a talker (although he talked to OW for hours and hours and hours a week. (FYI, I was out of the country a lot during those years and, yes, I know how bad that was. I still thought I was married.) Obviously not talking about the affairs is very bad for me. Not talking - when he talked to her like I've never known he could talk - makes it very painful. He says he's told me everything, but I don't believe it because of the trickle truths AND because some of it is just plain unbelievable. Now, (remember I am only talking to him on a computer), he no longer will respond to questions about the affair. He wants us to move on - yadayada. All said: he is a rug-sweeper at heart. It was therapy and whatever I made him read that taught him the BEHAVIOR of one who wants to reconcile. He did not come by it naturally. He is also not a talker. The therapist made that abundantly clear.

I have doubts that he's told me every relationship. I think that I tricked him into telling me about the recent A with SIL. Both d-Days, I told him that she'd already told me; it worked both times. But now I have no more tricks and he's seen the devastation the truth has upon me. I am convinced he prefers to leave well enough alone and, therefore, does not disclose further. The heartache, pain and mistrust never leave me. I have all his past emails (he knows this) and access to his account. I go over and over and over the information and have even made tables.

I will go back in a month. His health is not great and that is another reason. He never asks me.

So here's my first question:
- I don't understand the dichotomy of wanting/needing to talk about the affairs and all the stuff in #11 about the 180 thing referring to keeping the marriage pleasant and worth staying in. Is this a matter of stages? I don't think we ever had a chance to reconcile or even be married again. We're still in trauma stage regardless of the time passed. (There IS a question in there - really.)

Thank you.

[This message edited by HeartacheNoMore at 5:16 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

LadyQ posted 3/29/2013 09:26 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Despite the fact that you're 9 months from the initial disclosure, subsequent admissions can set you back to square one. Add to that the fact that there hasn't been enough "hard work" done, and you're likely not far along in your healing.

It's all well and good to make demands and draw your line in the sand, but if he's not willing to step up and take the ball, it can feel less than genuine.

As to the 180, it's really designed to help YOU. It has little to do with the WS and his actions. It's designed to give you the strength to work on yourself. To help you begin to throw off the chains of co-dependent behavior, to help you realize that you are worth the effort of making yourself healthy. In a "normal" relationship, you would be able to lean on your spouse to help you through trauma. In the case of infidelity, the spouse caused the trauma, so it makes little sense to lean on them for support.

What the 180 is NOT designed to do is manipulate your spouse into remorse and "getting it".

Hang in there, Heartache! And remember, time heals nothing. It's what you do with that time that matters.

noprincess posted 3/29/2013 11:23 AM

Hi HeartacheNoMore,

So sorry you are here. There are many people here to offer you good advice...stay with us.

I'm doing my version of the 180 now, although I'm not very good at it! If I understand your question, its one I struggle with also; it relates to how do you reconcile doing the 180 (which is for your healing), with allowing your H to see the personal destruction his A has caused...which requires, I believe, discussing the A in very explicit terms and how devestating its been to you emotionally. It is a balancing act I have yet to figure out myself.

I'm so sorry you are here and I hope our more experienced members can offer you some real advice.

Hugs to you HeartracheNoMore.

la433 posted 3/29/2013 12:02 PM

Just wondering if we ever really find out the whole truth, and just how far things go?

I think you're going to have to do what I have done and that is dig really deep into your soul to find the answers you're looking for. I think they're there.

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