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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Trust
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read so often posts by members who state that this (spouses infidelity) has caused them to not trust people like they used to.

Have you found this to be true for "you"? I kind of wonder why I haven't seen this more in this particular forum as "we" know only too well how possible it is to lie to other's and ourselves.

Do you find it has altered your ability to trust? I was thinking about this recently. I've never had issues with trust before because I never was close enough to anyone to really have it matter, I'm realizing.

It's so odd to have a very accepted view of yourself as one way and to have it melt under bright lights. I always felt I trusted other's because I trusted myself to handle fall out.

Ok, kind of can't get credit for that if you don't really care about them anyway, or at least not in the sense that you'll risk being truly vulnerable to them.

Now that I'm actually experiencing emotions fully I find myself shrinking my circle even more. It doesn't help I have to look at my female friends and replay the Julia Roberts "anyone else here fuck my husband?" scene based on that new little fun fact.

I do still have faith in my ability to handle what comes my way but I also have this new found desire to actually share parts of myself with those I love and care for. A whole new "balance" I'm having to establish.

After all, we do know only too well how people very very close to us, like in our skins literally, can fuck us over. Information that would have proved useful...THEN!!!!


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
EmotionalFool
♀ 37362
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time trusting myself HARD!!!


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
toomanyregrets
♂ 37740
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here.
Since my fWW's A, I don't completley trust anyone.
I always wonder whose going to betray me next.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 503 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
27yearsnowlost
♀ 38787
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust is a big thing for me right now also. I guess because I didn't see this coming. In 27 years there has been any problems.
And hate this feeling!!!!!!!!!!


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
sosorryididthis
♀ 36727
Member # 36727
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edit

[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 5:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 188 | Registered: Sep 2012
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question. I think before I started working on myself I thought that I trusted people, but under the surface, as I started to get in touch with my feelings, I realized that I really didn't trust people.

Now that I have started being authentic with myself and others, i feel that I can really trust people. Not just believing what they say, but also allowing myself to be vulnerable with them. Of course, the level of trust and sharing depends on the level and depth of friendship. When I started going to IC, that was the only person I trusted, then I slowly added friends one by one. The number is still low, but I am ok with that.

[This message edited by badchoice at 3:20 PM, March 29th (Friday)]


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust was always something I had an issue with. My entire life I struggled to trust anyone.

As you describe it resonated with me a little. I constantly kept people at a distance and obviously I wasn't going to trust people I did not feel close to.

I still don't trust and choose to keep most people at a safe distance. Some of that is my own past coping mechanisms which I try very hard to change.

Trust in the context of my M is not close to being what I would consider casual trust. It is hard to live with that some days.

So for me I guess trust with people close to me changed a great deal, everybody else is about the same.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
Neithan
♂ 35924
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll never trust my WW the way I used to.

Before I discovered her betrayal, if she'd suddenly appeared before me, pointing a gun at me, I'd have looked over my shoulder to see what she was aiming at. I trusted her that much.

Now, my first instinct in that situation will always to be to duck and cover.

At least I'm no longer interested in drawing down on her in return.

She of course doesn't get it. She doesn't understand why I can't trust her like I used to. Of course, she's never been betrayed so profoundly by someone she trusted so deeply. So I can't really expect her to 'get it'. Nor do I expect any wayward to 'get it' unless they've been betrayed to the same extent.

My trust level for others hasn't really changed. With others I always tended to 'trust but verify', or in other words assume I'm hearing the truth but be prepared to change that assessment based on what actions I see.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 345 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I ever fully trusted anyone. My SO was the closest to having my full trust but I think I always gave myself room for doubt. This is not to say that I didn't let him into my heart fully, he had my heart, nobody knew or knows me better. The thing is that I see now that I'm in therapy and digging that 100% trust was an issue for me once I hit adulthood. I think I was trying to protect myself. I'd been cheated on, backstabbed and left behind by people I opened myself up to fully so now I gave myself wiggling room for the possibility that person would betray me. Mind you it still devastated me when my best friend turned her back on me, when my SO turned me into a madhatter, when my brother let his friend live with him after he'd asked me to find a place to go...they just did not destroy me.

I think having room for doubt in anyone is fine. I don't think it means k don't trust them rather that I hold the belief that everyone has the capability to betray someone else on some level even if it's not infidelity. Maybe that's just my misguided view but its what I believe.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the BS's responses. I get why y'all would have trust issues, no doubt. I was more wondering if WS's had issues after our choices since we now know just how those close to us, as in us, can fuck us over.

I think that was a real eye opener for me. I'd already made peace with the other. When you imagine how your mother would look like disbursed to make sure you'll never miss her in the crowd that lesson is hard coded pretty early.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Replace the parental genders, and yeah I can relate.

It is not just WS that deal with such things. Not that I am trying to compete or compare.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you find it has altered your ability to trust?

Absolutely it has. Being a WS and then dealing with the aftermath has opened my eyes to how shitty people (myself certainly included) can be.

Although I have people in my life with whom I'm close, the only ones I really truly trust are my mom and my brother. I look for the worst in people...the hidden motivation...the cattiness behind the smile...the secrets in the shadows.

To compensate, I've also had to detach from life to a certain extent. I have to not care as much, about anything relationship/friendship-wise, to protect my emotions in case my general mistrust in others proves reasonable.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you talking about trust in yourself or the ability to trust *others* with yourself?

Do you find it has altered your ability to trust? I was thinking about this recently. I've never had issues with trust before because I never was close enough to anyone to really have it matter, I'm realizing.

But UO, isn't real trust something that you have just recently *learned*? If you were not allowing anyone to get close to you, then you *did* have trust issues.

I was more wondering if WS's had issues after our choices since we now know just how those close to us, as in us, can fuck us over.

What I found with Sultan is that he doesn't even really understand what trust is. He has told me that he always figured that I would leave him for a *tall* guy. His inability to trust began when he was an infant. His mom, from what I've been able to piece together, suffered from PPD and his dad bailed when he was 6 mo. old. And he suffered through multiple abandonments by people that were significant in his life for many years after that. So I don't think that he ever even gained a baseline feeling of what trust really is.

From the small tidbits that you've shared, you grew up with a BSC mom and so your ability to develop a *healthy* type of trust in people was probably pretty darn altered and skewed. If you can't count on your mom, then you can't count on anyone, kwim?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SandAway
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was more wondering if WS's had issues after our choices since we now know just how those close to us, as in us, can fuck us over.

I believe that I trust a tad more actually. Often when I begin to doubt someone/something it is because of that little voice in my head - the negative one. The one that tells me shit that just ain't true - making me assume many things. And that was my problem for many, many years. I am trying REALLY hard not to listen to that part of me.

Therefore I actually feel that I am a bit more trusting...

Is that odd?

edited to add:

perhaps because I finally trust myself I find it easier to trust others..

[This message edited by SandAway at 8:12 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
pizzalover
♀ 38336
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My issue through life has been how easily I trust people and how quickly that happens. I need to work on someone earning my trust before sharing my life story with them, but that's hard for me. In fact, the other day I began volunteering at an animal shelter. Within 45 minutes of talking to my trainer, I told her about my affair and suicide attempt. I think my trust has to be evaluated when it comes to men. My BH keeps asking me why didn't I use a condom with my AP. I always reply with "I trusted him." How could I really trust someone how by nature of cheating on his wife couldn't have been trustworthy? I really need to work on my trust boundaries.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 530 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therefore I actually feel that I am a bit more trusting...

Is that odd?

I don't think so. I'm actually feeling the same thing. I just tighten the circle even a bit more.

What I find interesting is I actually want to start sharing more with my SO and close friends. I feel before I was like a hologram instead of a whole person, but had no idea.

Pizzalover, the situation you described with your trainer is actually boundary issues not trust. You share intimate details with a virtual stranger. Those are pieces of you that you need to hold close and are precious even if they're not positive at all.

That's actually one of the areas that can enable affairs to start. Sharing very personal details with virtual strangers. It's not so much trust but a total lack of self protection. We talk about patterns that we have in place. They aren't always the obvious ones and opposite sex facing.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
pizzalover
♀ 38336
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pizzalover, the situation you described with your trainer is actually boundary issues not trust. You share intimate details with a virtual stranger. Those are pieces of you that you need to hold close and are precious even if they're not positive at all.

UO, you are absolutely right. I need to hold things close to me until I know someone awhile and trust them. Opening myself up so easily is a character flaw needing correcting.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 530 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Opening myself up so easily is a character flaw needing correcting.

It's not a character flaw, pizza. If you were raised in a household where your boundaries, physical and emotional, were continually violated you'd have no clue what healthy ones even looked like.

You post about how you miss your friend yet you were a very huge part of perpetrating an enormous betrayal on her. That can very much mirror things you experienced in your childhood you never recognized or dealt with.

If you experienced that from a loved one the two very incongruous concepts most view, rightfully so as not being able to exist simultaneously, went closely together
every day.

That's one thing you'll need to work on. Establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and other's actions towards you. Don't let the fact they should be making caring healthy ones for you blind you to the ways they may not be...and that's including your actions and choices as well.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you find it has altered your ability to trust? I was thinking about this recently. I've never had issues with trust before because I never was close enough to anyone to really have it matter, I'm realizing.

Was it sort of like you could trust (or count on or expect) people to do hurtful things, but not trust them to keep you safe? So it makes sense to have boundaries between yourself and people who you can't trust to be safe? It takes an incredible set of boundaries to know at a young age who is and isn't safe and to honor those boundaries. But I am very sorry you had to know these lessons to begin with. That's why 'trust' is not black and white but rather shades of gray... We base trust on what we think people are and aren't capable of.

Now that I'm actually experiencing emotions fully I find myself shrinking my circle even more. It doesn't help I have to look at my female friends and replay the Julia Roberts "anyone else here fuck my husband?" scene based on that new little fun fact.

I do still have faith in my ability to handle what comes my way but I also have this new found desire to actually share parts of myself with those I love and care for. A whole new "balance" I'm having to establish.

This sounds new and scary. But it also sounds like you found people you feel safe with. How are you feeling with it right now?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3936 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 19

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