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tootrusted posted 3/29/2013 17:44 PM

hi all,

this is my first post. my bw and i had our second d-day this past tuesday. this affair was the only one i have had in our 18 years together, though the false reconciliation has made it combustible, to say the least. my affair lasted four months. it came after a fairly traumatic experience in my life and i used the affair as ego-fodder and as a source of "power." as a means to recovery. i feel like complete shit. and i fear i am a pathological liar. i mean i never have been. sure i've told white lies in the past and even a few bigger lies, but the past four months seems to have turned me into a full-blown lying machine. my bw, despite the rage, depression, and complete agony i've caused her assures me this is par for course - the lying. because that's what an affair is. one big f'ing lie. but i feel so incredibly sick about it. i mean i lied to everyone. my bw, my kids, my parents, my sister, my co-workers, and my ap too.
so first d-day, my bw discovered the affair. i trickle-truthed for awhile, took a week off from the affair, and took it underground. this d-day, i spilled the beans. felt i couldn't take it anymore. had broken up w/ my ap several times in recent weeks. on tuesday night, d-day two, i wrote my no-contact letter in front of my bw and sent it to my ap.
i have no idea what i am typing and why i am typing it except that i feel remarkably lost, remarkably fucked up, and remarkably remorseful, embarrassed, and sorry for the human being i feel i've become in the past 4 months.
i know i'm in the right place, at home with my bw and my family. and am guilt-ridden every time i have a feeling or thought of warmth, compassion, or necessity for my ap.
i want to have this site as a tool.
i'd appreciate anything from anyone that you feel might be useful for a newbie here. i feel like i'm up a creek w/out a paddle. i am however blessed to have a bw who, as nuclear as she has been/gone, is willing to give me one more chance to make it right.
totally fucking freaked out here.
anything you can lend, please do...
much thanks, all... i really screwed the pooch these past four months... wow....

tootrusted posted 3/29/2013 17:57 PM

actually, bs are welcome to respond. i have no idea how to make the stop sign disappear... newbie, yeah...
thanks again anyone who can give some words.

NoraLee posted 3/29/2013 18:34 PM


[This message edited by authenticnow at 7:53 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

tootrusted posted 3/29/2013 18:55 PM

thank you, NoraLee. i will read the information at the link you sent this evening. i feel like i need some direction.
my BW is already on SI, in fact, she came on after d-day one, so she showed me the way here. my BW has taken much comfort here.
i have also begun reading a book by shirley glass which is proving helpful.
thank you kindly for your response.

27yearsnowlost posted 3/29/2013 19:00 PM

WS Only.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 7:02 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 3/29/2013 19:02 PM

Hi tootrusted. Welcome to the club.

I guess for starters, check out the Healing Library. Lots of good stuff there. Also, the links below are very helpful, interesting reading for newbies. Yeah it's alot of reading. But geez, is it helpful!

Deeply Scared posted 3/29/2013 19:02 PM

Tha stop sign is on this thread regardless of what Tootrusted said, it is not open for BS's.

Please respect the site rules.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 7:40 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

tootrusted posted 3/29/2013 19:47 PM

thank you for the welcome and the links, Aubrie84. very determined to gain insight here...

and very sorry for the confusion caused by the WS only distinction. i understand the need respect the site rules.

Card posted 3/30/2013 16:41 PM

Trickle truth is devastating to recovery.

Expect questions to be asked for many months ahead.

I'm copying a letter from the healing library to help you understand why it's critical to compassionately answer your BS every time.

Joseph's Letter

To Whomever,
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesnít mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesnít he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter Iím going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least youíre carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isnít really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you donít have.

Now letís enter my reality. Letís both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me donít worry about it, itís not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say donít worry about it, itís not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, whatís the difference, itís not important.

Then later when Iím expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.

You wonder why I canít just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Donít you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.

It doesnít come from jealousy, it doesnít come from spitefulness, and it doesnít come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldnít it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldnít it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I canít and the reason I canít is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

Card posted 3/30/2013 16:50 PM

There is also a book in the healing library that saved my marriage called; "Surviving An Affair", by Dr.Willard Harley Jr.

You can pick it up on Amazon

It outlines the steps necessary for recovering a marriage after an affair.

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