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We have all the time in the world

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Penitent95 posted 3/30/2013 03:22 AM

Some of you may remember my back story but for those who don’t – I was married for 17 years to a woman who physically abused me (beatings and stabbings) in a sexless marriage. In January 2003 I left that marriage and later that year met the lady who has become my second wife (my BS). We married in 2005 and despite promises that we would have a meaningful physical relationship we are now seven and a half years into what has been my second sexless marriage.

We live busy lifestyles and whenever I have begged for sex (pre A as well as post A) I have been told “We have all the time in the world for that”.

Well guess what – we don’t. My BS has now developed arthritis in her hand and her hip and is in too much pain to even consider making love.

A word of advice for all of you – Carpe diem – seize the day. Don’t leave sorting out your relationship until later because later will be laughed at by God and taken away from you.

Darkness Falls posted 3/30/2013 08:40 AM

That's too bad. It's understandable that a sexless marriage is not ideal. So what is your plan to deal with your dissatisfaction within the marriage?

Penitent95 posted 3/30/2013 08:59 AM

I will probably do what I have always done - nothing. I don't really have any options. Divorce is not something I want so I have to accept that once again someone else is in control of my life.

Chefj9 posted 3/30/2013 09:55 AM

I have rheumatoid arthritis, bulging disc in my neck that were treated with surgery and now the disc above and below are bulging. I have bulging disc in my lower back, I get steroid shots. I broke my pelvic bone in 3 places when I was 14 and have traumatic arthritis and nerve issues as a result.

I can still have sex, great sex.... There are lots of treatments; natural and through medication. I might start asking some pointed questions if I were you. From someone who is in chronic pain, I couldn't and wouldn't give up sex. It's too much a part of intimacy for me. I wish you luck (((hugs))) I couldn't handle a sexless marriage.

authenticnow posted 3/30/2013 10:10 AM

Divorce is not something I want so I have to accept that once again someone else is in control of my life.
Sorry, not buying it.

If you CHOOSE to stay in this pattern, that's exactly what it is, your choice. You have the control over your own actions and choices.

I hope you listen to Chefj9's advice.

heforgotme posted 3/30/2013 10:17 AM


Google sex and arthritis. I just did and it seems there are lots of options.

I hope you guys will look into this. This is a pretty big thing to lose forever.

badchoice posted 3/30/2013 10:27 AM

Good luck with this.

My only thought is that you do have options. I think feeling like you don't have options is a dangerous place to live it. In my opinion it leads to resentments and that can lead to bad decisions.

[This message edited by badchoice at 10:27 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Heavy Sigh posted 3/30/2013 10:32 AM

I'm not writing this to you, Penitent95, but writing this based on posts from women I see here and why they stopped having sex.

What they write makes me wonder how many marriages would have been better if husbands had done their homework about women and arousal - even reading Redbook magazine or similar ones if nothing else - rather than just watch fantasy porn written for men by men?

Some women turn off from sex by hormonal and life stress issues that have nothing to do with a man's effort, and no homework or sensuality would have helped if she feels like she's 10 again and sex is yucky, or she's exhausted and it's just something else she's been asked to do on a chore list. Some were abused/had medical issues and have difficulty with sex in general as it's sustained in a marriage to where spouses feel like family - doctors and counselors treatment would have been all that could have helped in those cases. Some women were turned off by male hygiene issues. Some women turn off by being treated like a blow-up doll who also does housework- treated like a servant and ignored except when it's time to ask for dinner and sex - and the women get resentful not wanting to reward that behavior.

Some are treated well, but lose interest in sex because when arousal leads to nothing but frustration if a man's knowledge of sex is limited to the old Penthouse Forum columns, then sex becomes an exercise in futility and frustration to where there is no point other than it's discomfort and messy.

Women who are taught, or have learned, men's egos are so sensitive that they fly off the handle with any criticism or suggestion, are unwilling to talk about sex or admit they're faking it out of fear of making a spouse angry, impotent or pouty or worried he will be upset all the time and ask for so much validation afterward that sex will be scientific and not romantic and fun. They're also unwilling to discuss sex if it means they will be shamed (or grew up feeling shame) for having experiences in the past or for explaining problems. So they fake it and never tell their spouses they feel almost nothing, and so just avoid sex and aren't honest out of fear/shame.

Wish the sex issue were simpler.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:46 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Darkness Falls posted 3/30/2013 10:58 AM

My XSIL has had bad arthritis since she was a teenager. She takes various different meds and my XMIL helps her a lot around the house. Yet she has two young kids and I don't doubt an intimate marriage. Many people find ways to overcome physical challenges in order to create a fulfilling sex life with their spouse.

As for you 'yet again' feeling like someone else controls your life... I've been there before and it sucks. but I finally learned that it stops when you say it does.

Neithan posted 3/30/2013 11:02 AM

It's a terrible burden when one person puts the responsibility for their sexuality on another. Each adult needs to be responsible for their own sexuality, and needs to be able to communicate openly and honestly with their intimate partner about their interests and desires and needs.

uncertainone posted 3/30/2013 11:13 AM

Sorry, not buying it.

I'm not either. Let's see. She got married promising a meaning full physical relationship knowing your story then had nothing to do with you physically or meaningfully.

That's fraud. Why on earth would you agree to stay with someone that perpetrated that.

Your choices to deal with a fucked situation were fucked as well. You worked on those.

You post your story and get so much support and encouragement to make healthy decisions and live a happy life.

God isn't laughing. He gave you a mind and feet. For God's sake use them and stop making excuses and blaming him.

If you want to stay in a sexless marriage fine. Accept it find a hobby and do hand exercises. If not, then take some steps to start working toward your future without her. Either way these are your choices so if you're not happy with them the mirror is where you should be looking.

hardlessons posted 3/30/2013 11:24 AM

Penitent, you picked the same woman minus the violence so you pretty much have the same marriage. Get to work on you if you ever want things to change. Time is running out.

solus sto posted 3/30/2013 11:38 AM

Penitent, I've asked before and will ask again: what's the payoff for you in this?

I do not ask this unkindly.

I ask because I think you did not do the work necessary, between marriages, to gather the tools necessary to have a successful relationship with your current wife. And I wonder whether this is because you have a fear of intimacy.

Your wife's behavior is unacceptable.

But Penitent, yours is, too. Because you accept it.

Change is not possible, Penitent, until you figure out why you accept it. The reasons you've given don't begin to cut it. Pain does not stop people from doing things they want to do. Achy hands and a sore hip? This is not a valid reason; even if it were, there are many ways to be sexually intimate that would meet your needs while sparing your wife additional pain. (You do realize that her aversion to sex is unusual, right? And that this is the second woman you've chosen, with this unusual trait. Why do you think this is?)

Yet you're accepting it. Why? Does it allow you to avoid looking at your own fear of intimacy? As long as you have someone who's telling you no, you are having an important "need" met. The problem is, it's maladaptive, and it's harmful to you. It's a "need" you have because you never stopped long enough to really look at what went on in your first marriage, and what needs to be done differently in new relationships.

What are you doing to make meaningful changes in this situation? Or---maybe more to the point--to determine what payoff you're receiving by being in another sexless marriage? Because this is your second one, Penitent. You very passively bemoan that you have no choice when, in fact, you do---and are choosing not to. Why?

I don't really have any options. Divorce is not something I want so I have to accept that once again someone else is in control of my life.
This doesn't float, Penitent. While you can't control your wife's thoughts, feelings, and actions, you can control EVERY SINGLE thought, feeling, and action of your own. You do have choices. You do not have to permit someone else to make your decisions.

So why? Why do you accept this?

I think you need to really deeply explore why you've willing to accept this in your second marriage. You were trapped in the abuse cycle in your first, and didn't have the tools to get out sooner; I get that.

But what have you done to gather tools, since? Are you in IC? Have you explored your fear of intimacy?

Because this goes deeper than having a WW who, when occasionally asked whether sex will ever be on the agenda, says, "No" because her hip and hands hurt.

At this point, it's about you, Penitent---you, and your willingness to abdicate responsibility for your own well-being.

Please get help with this. Please find a great IC who can help you investigate your own fear of intimacy, someone who can help you take responsibility for your own well-being, someone with the skills to help you gather the tools you need to lead a fulfilling life---with or without your current wife.

You're right: we don't have all the time in the world.

Do something about it. Before your life has passed you by.

I really am very sorry for your pain. I do understand it.

uncertainone posted 3/30/2013 12:15 PM

At this point, it's about you, Penitent---you, and your willingness to abdicate responsibility for your own well-being.


UnexpectedSong posted 3/30/2013 13:58 PM

Penitent - are you relieved now that there is a physical excuse for the lack of sex?

silverhopes posted 3/30/2013 14:18 PM

We live busy lifestyles and whenever I have begged for sex (pre A as well as post A) I have been told “We have all the time in the world for that”.

Has she given any reasons for why sex was not on the table for her? Did it stop suddenly (if so, when and what was going on during that time period) or was it low frequency from the very start? During the times when there has been intimacy, what did she enjoy about it and did anything set the stage for her to be more interested? I'm just asking these questions to get a better picture.

Penitent95 posted 4/2/2013 03:12 AM

Thank you all for your responses. I am sorry that I have not replied to them sooner. I have had two very sick young boys to look after over the Easter weekend.

Chefj9 – I know that there are plenty of treatments for arthritis and that pain relief is well advanced. The problem that we have here is that it is not me in pain and I cannot force my W to seek treatment. Neither can I force her to have an intimate relationship with her. I know she is using it as an excuse but there is nothing that I can do to change her attitude.

Authenticnow and others – I choose not to divorce again. The first time around my first wife took 100% of my assets and left me crippled with debt. The only reason I now have a house is because I lost my mother a year later and she left me the family home. I have spent the last 9 years in and out of court trying to stop her taking more. The British legal system is not inherently fair towards husbands and there is no expectation of a 50/50 split by right. My family home has now been re-mortgaged in order to fund a bungalow to house my wife’s aging parents. If we were to divorce now the equity would not cover the debts and I would be declared bankrupt. I am in a hardworking, well earning job which I would lose. I would lose my house, my children, my means of income and any hope of re-building a future. I am too old to ride out a bankruptcy and start again. A divorce would mean I would be out on the streets after a lifetime of working hard and paying my taxes.

So why do I “accept” it? Because, far from being afraid of intimacy ( I made a very poor choice in my life which I regret deeply in the hope of finding some intimacy) I am afraid of living out my days alone. I have spent my life in institutions of one sort or another – from boarding school, through the Army. The thought of living out the rest of my days as a bankrupt, lonely old man is frankly terrifying. As a bankrupt I would net even have my Freemasonry to take my mind off it.

So my remaining options are: to work on my marriage even if it is only me doing the work; to accept what I have and survive; or to move out and try to survive. I am starting to realise why so many people “go missing”.

uncertainone posted 4/2/2013 10:10 AM

Dear Lord, Penitent. Why on earth do you assume these Dickensonian outcomes?

Alone? Do you not have 2 boys and friends? Your financial situation can be worked through.

You can make whatever excuses you need to in order for you to make your own peace, I suppose.

You are choosing and then walling yourself in making sure you have no escape, in your mind...a victim/martyr.

Your advice of carpe diem falls pretty short when you do anything but. You never planned on "sorting" out your relationship and had not progressed in any of your posts.

Rheumatoid arthritis is hardly an obsticle for sex. I have a similar autoimmune disease and have had no issues in that department at all. Yeah, I have sore swollen joints at times. Mouth still works, hand (at least one). It actually makes me feel better.

Also remember, while in you cell, you have two boys that are watching and learning. Think they should have a marriage like this?

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