Penitent, I've asked before and will ask again: what's the payoff for you in this?
I do not ask this unkindly.
I ask because I think you did not do the work necessary, between marriages, to gather the tools necessary to have a successful relationship with your current wife. And I wonder whether this is because you have a fear of intimacy.
Your wife's behavior is unacceptable.
But Penitent, yours is, too. Because you accept it.
Change is not possible, Penitent, until you figure out why you accept it. The reasons you've given don't begin to cut it. Pain does not stop people from doing things they want to do. Achy hands and a sore hip? This is not a valid reason; even if it were, there are many ways to be sexually intimate that would meet your needs while sparing your wife additional pain. (You do realize that her aversion to sex is unusual, right? And that this is the second woman you've chosen, with this unusual trait. Why do you think this is?)
Yet you're accepting it. Why? Does it allow you to avoid looking at your own fear of intimacy? As long as you have someone who's telling you no, you are having an important "need" met. The problem is, it's maladaptive, and it's harmful to you. It's a "need" you have because you never stopped long enough to really look at what went on in your first marriage, and what needs to be done differently in new relationships.
What are you doing to make meaningful changes in this situation? Or---maybe more to the point--to determine what payoff you're receiving by being in another sexless marriage? Because this is your second one, Penitent. You very passively bemoan that you have no choice when, in fact, you do---and are choosing not to. Why?
I don't really have any options. Divorce is not something I want so I have to accept that once again someone else is in control of my life.
This doesn't float, Penitent. While you can't control your wife's thoughts, feelings, and actions, you can control EVERY SINGLE thought, feeling, and action of your own. You do have choices. You do not have to permit someone else to make your decisions.
So why? Why do you accept this?
I think you need to really deeply explore why you've willing to accept this in your second marriage. You were trapped in the abuse cycle in your first, and didn't have the tools to get out sooner; I get that.
But what have you done to gather tools, since? Are you in IC? Have you explored your fear of intimacy?
Because this goes deeper than having a WW who, when occasionally asked whether sex will ever be on the agenda, says, "No" because her hip and hands hurt.
At this point, it's about you, Penitent---you, and your willingness to abdicate responsibility for your own well-being.
Please get help with this. Please find a great IC who can help you investigate your own fear of intimacy, someone who can help you take responsibility for your own well-being, someone with the skills to help you gather the tools you need to lead a fulfilling life---with or without your current wife.
You're right: we don't have all the time in the world.
Do something about it. Before your life has passed you by.
I really am very sorry for your pain. I do understand it.