SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ISPIFFD posted 3/30/2013 07:48 AM

Does the brain ever stop working on the whole mess of an A, false R, D, etc?

It's been 5 years, 2 months since D-Day 1. I'm divorced and very happy now, feeling like I've really gotten to a good place and healed up quite a bit.

The other day I was driving along listening to a Beatle mix CD I listen to a lot, and the song "If I Fell" came on (opening lines: "If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true, and help me understand"). Even though I've listened to it probably a million times in the past 5 years, my brain suddenly flashed on a scene a little past D-Day when we were at a bar, he was still playing in the POS's band, and he plugged in his iPod to play music over the bar's PA system. He specifically played that song and I smiled at him, thinking he was playing it to make me feel better cuz it was a Beatles' song (POS never liked Beatles - thank heavens!).

So now I'm driving along 5 years later, hear the opening lines of the song, that bar scene flashes in my mind and I now see her reaction. She had been rummaging in a box of gear, and when the song started to play, she stood up quickly, looked at my WH, looked at me, got a pissed look on her face and went back to furiously rummaging, almost throwing stuff around.

DUH!!! Ex's whole schpiel with me had been that he'd never actually said the words I Love You to her, so somehow he wasn't actually cheating on me. And that song was yet another way he had meant for her to believe he loved her without saying the words. There was no other reason for a Beatles' song to be on his band iPod at all except that he'd played it for her during their A as a wooing gesture.

It was like a(nother) slap in the face to realize all that in an instant, but then I wondered why on earth my subconscious is still doing this to me all these years later! I really don't need to have any more crap about their A revealed to me. Really!

Does this keep happening? When does it ever stop??

edited for a little clarity...

[This message edited by ISPIFFD at 7:49 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

rcantbleveit posted 3/30/2013 08:32 AM

A couple of single friends had this conversation Thursday night. It's been almost 3 years for me and yes those moments do occur. I'm also happy and feel pretty positve about the future but sometimes someone will say or do something that takes my mind right back to us. The hurt behind it is less and doesn't last as long.

One of my friends gets triggered everytime she goes by someplace her X built, he was in costruction and it's been even longer for her. They were divorced over his drug addiction - not another woman. However, he has been engaged once & married twice in two years which leaves her feeling awful.

It all comes down to Divorce Sucks regardless of he reason and it leaves us split open. We are survivors though so life does go on.

nowiknow23 posted 3/30/2013 10:22 AM

I don't know if it ever stops, but I think it slows down and the impact when it does happen becomes less and less hurtful.

((((ISPIFFD))))

Helen of Troy posted 3/30/2013 12:19 PM

Maybe it doesn't stop?
I do know the mind movies and thoughts of those times become fewer and longer intervals between them. The emotional impact is less too.

cmego posted 3/30/2013 17:33 PM

Yes, there is a newer song by P!nk Just Give Me A Reason, about love that seems to be fading, I really like the song, but there is a line that triggers me. Pink is singing, "Now, you've been talking in your sleep, oh, the things you never say to me..."

WS did that. He talked in his sleep when he was having the A's. I used to wake up to listen...see if any of it made sense.

So, that line throws me back every time.

SBB posted 3/30/2013 22:48 PM

I don't think you can spend that much of your life with another without having these flashbacks. The problem is that even the once 'nice' memories are painful now that my eyes are wide open.

I'd never want to wear rose coloured glasses again. These times are a reminder that I am not.

((ISPIFFED))

ps your name is very very VERY rude in Australia

ISPIFFD posted 3/31/2013 07:36 AM

ps your name is very very VERY rude in Australia

Is it?! Now I'm curious... can you pm me with the meaning?

My screen name is just the first letters of I'm So Pretty, I Fart Fairy Dust, a blog name I came up with after the OW started picking on me for being weak, ugly and pathetic. But if it also means something else that's rude, bonus!

Luvlyla posted 3/31/2013 07:41 AM

I'm So Pretty, I Fart Fairy Dust

LOLZ!!! you are awesome!!!

maybe your brain was giving you a little reminder that your better without him, maybe you didnt even realise you needed a reminder, or maybe it was a leftover bit of useless info that finally added up and was able to be processed and removed from file. The brain is amazing if we let it be our friend.

SBB posted 4/1/2013 01:49 AM

I've PM'd you. So rude.

somer222 posted 4/1/2013 01:56 AM

It has been five years for me, too. I do have my moments of clarity on my marriage and certain things seem to trigger events that happened that I didn't understand at the time. I understand them now, though.

It will get better - big hugs!

shyguy posted 4/1/2013 16:15 PM

I am five years out also. Those triggers do pop up!

CheaterMagnet posted 4/1/2013 16:28 PM

I'm more than 10 years from Pigfucker's A and I still can't listen to country music. I had to think back to ask myself it it's just been since current WH's A but no. It's been that way since D-Day all those years ago.

I was diagnosed with PTSD thanks to Pigfuckers A and emotional/psychological torture. Good to know I've still got it.

ProbableIceCream posted 4/4/2013 18:40 PM

It stops eventually.

Everything stops eventually.