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Hearing ilybinilwy from your BS

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sodamnsorry posted 3/30/2013 09:06 AM

Yesterday, I was talking to my BS on the phone. She was telling me about something she is trying to process and warned me it was bad before she said it. She tends to explore an idea fully before either agreeing it is really how she feels or just discarding it.

The idea she was trying to process was if she's at a place of ILYBINILWY with me. I've seen this used a lot on here but usually from the WS toward the BS.

The follow up internal question shes trying to process through was whether she ever was in love with me.
This part of the question makes more sense when you take into consideration that she is only just recognizing the affects that being an ACOA has had on her life and the decision she has made in it.

We have been through a lot already in our attempt to recovery from my horrible choice to have an A and I daily fear for our ability to ever reach R. This was so wicked hard to hear. I'm working hard on me and on trying to show her my love and fire for her and really want to get to the point where we can say we are in R.

I understand this was an idea she was trying on for size and may not even be the real feeling, but my question is did your BS ever tell you ILYBINILWY? If so, was it part of the process of recovery (I imagine it's hard to feel in love when dealing with the myriad emotions of betrayal an grief) and did they ever get to the point where they felt they were in love with you again? If you're a BS who felt this way, I'd love to hear your thoughts, too.

Beautifulmind posted 3/30/2013 11:21 AM

BS here.
Yes, I have and still do feel this way "at times". I am 6 months out from last DD.
I say "at times" because my emotions and feeling change so quickly (the roller coaster).
One reason for feeling this way is for self preservation. After DD #1 and a little less on DD #2, I went ALL IN for fear of losing my M. Tried to show WW all the love I had for her, etc. while neglecting much of my own pain. After DD #3 I just couldn't do it again and I finally made her own her stuff and followed the proper steps to R (IC, MC, reading, NC, Etc).
In short, I had been so quick to profess my Love at those times, I am reluctant to do it so easily now. I'm not rushing into ANYTHING now and will let time tell. When I'm feeling good, I tell her I love her. When I'm in a bad place, it is difficult and I don't say it. She understands and supports me through it.

Theradin posted 3/30/2013 12:34 PM

BS here.
I can say that it is very natural to not feel in love with someone who has so exquisitely traumatized you. After all, what does being in love mean? For me, it means fully opening myself up to one person. Fully trusting that person. Giving my heart (and everything else) to that person. Just to name a few. Well, it stands to reason that all of those things I just mentioned would be very hard on a normal (meaning not sociopathic or other similar mental illness) person's psyche. Our psyche's want to protect us. Our minds are wired that way. We fear things that hurt us, we are drawn to things that make us feel good. It's just biology, in a sense. Hell, we wouldn't be around as a species if we flocked toward what we have learned to be dangerous to our (mental) health and personal safety.

So try to keep that in mind when working through this with her. She may WANT to be in love with you, but there is a VERY strong biological 'block' that may not allow her to at this time, or possibly ever, depending on many factors.

[This message edited by Theradin at 12:34 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

isadora posted 3/30/2013 12:59 PM

I have always loved my FWH. Love is an action. In love is a state of mind, a rush of emotion, that bit of electricity.

After my ddays I lost that in love feeling with him, for him. Everything about him was ugly. As I healed it returned slowly. I still have it, it's just more reserved these days.

silverhopes posted 3/30/2013 14:22 PM

Last summer my H crossed some boundaries with another woman yet again, and I had enough. I made a conscious choice to give myself permission to fall out of love with him, not out of malice, but rather because I decided I didn't want his behavior to hurt me anymore. It was out of self-protection.

I don't know if that's the case with your wife or not, but I think sometimes this is something a BS will do to protect his or her own heart. The best thing you can do is to be a safe person to fall back in love with. Take care of her and yourself. Be healthy so you know you'll make healthy choices, and give her time and compassion.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:23 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 3/30/2013 16:48 PM

When a spouse hits you with ilybinilwy, it usually means they have checked out of the relationship. They still recognize the common bond you share through marriage; however, they are no longer interested in maintaining a deep committed relationship. They no longer care as much about satisfying your emotional needs, nor do they care if you satisfy their needs.

If your wife decided after d-day that she no longer loves you, then she is probably reacting due to anger over the affair. Her thinking is that this punishes you and buffers her from further pain.

If your wife has felt this way even prior to d-day, it means she gave up on you long ago. Meaning, she felt you were not capable (perhaps too selfish) of satisfying her emotional needs.

In either case, take her words as a sign that your marriage is deeply troubled and she may be strongly considering leaving you. Once a woman disconnects from an intimate relationship, it is very difficult (but not impossible) for them to reconnect.

If you truly want to R, my advice is to get yourselves into MC ASAP. Make sure you find a MC that has experience with infidelity.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:36 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

RemoursefulGirl posted 3/30/2013 19:58 PM

My BS said the ilybnilwu to me too...he said he doesn't look at me the same. That its different now. He is also divorcing me after figuring this out. :(

Jrazz posted 3/30/2013 20:18 PM

I said that to my FWH in the beginning of R. He changed as a person in my eyes. Apart from my changed feelings, he physically looked different to me.

I was afraid that I'd never love him again, and I plodded down the R path very cynical that we could ever have a relationship again.

We still struggle with communication, and R, but I can tell you that it is possible to earn that love back. FWH has spent the easy majority of the last 2.5 years putting DD and I first, and working at that crazy thing called humility. It has kindled a new love in me for this new man. In honesty I don't know if it's enough - but I do realize that the A has shaken my idea of marital love to the core and I'm still trying to find a definition that I'm comfortable with.

Let her talk to you about her feelings, and tell her that no matter what you're not giving up on her unless she asks to part ways. Show her humility and respect as she processes her feelings - she'll notice. Be someone you'd admire, and people close to you will admire you as well for your authenticity and heart.

It's hard to hear, but I still say it's a drop in the bucket of what she's had to endure. Hang in there, and let her know she's worth the wait.

(((SDS & BS)))

tryingmybest2011 posted 3/31/2013 16:20 PM

When a spouse hits you with ilybinilwy, it usually means they have checked out of the relationship. They still recognize the common bond you share through marriage; however, they are no longer interested in maintaining a deep committed relationship. They no longer care as much about satisfying your emotional needs, nor do they care if you satisfy their needs.

I agree with this statement, as this is how I have felt in varying degrees after DDay. I stay for my daughter, and the one on the way, but...not in love at all.

It's difficult to estimate or appreciate the amount of damage an affair does to the relationship and to the mental health of a BS.

[This message edited by tryingmybest2011 at 4:25 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

renee21 posted 4/1/2013 08:46 AM

I've said this to my WH as well. It wasn't meant as a punishment, it was how I felt at the time and thought I should be honest with him.

We are past that stage but I can tell you those feelings of being in love did not come back 100% and for me they never will. I can't completely open myself back up to him and he will never have my heart they way he once did. That is fallout from his A's.

That being said, I do love him as my husband, father of my children, and my friend . At this point, I think he understands this and that is enough for him. I have told him if its not, we can part ways and he can find someone who he has a clean slate with.

I personally find it hard to believe that anyone can really go back to 100% after this.

TXBW68 posted 4/1/2013 09:32 AM

I didn't actually say it to my WH. But I felt it. We had been separated for almost 6 months at that point. The day I announced to everyone that I was no longer in love with my husband was a huge turning point for me. I was healing. He couldn't hurt me anymore. I had finally come to terms with the separation and imminent divorce.

My way of telling him was at our son's baseball game. I handed him all the evidence I had against him and told him I was done. I guess he could feel the change in me. I was no longer pining away for him. That's the moment he started pulling his head out of his ass.

A month later we started dating again. We took the time to get to know each other again. We prioritized our relationship over everything else, including the kids. We became friends and lovers again.

Today, at almost 1 year from D-Day, I can say that we are living together again and "in love" with each other again. It's like we needed to separate to appreciate what we had.

That said, I have lost that fairy-tale romance type love for him. It will never come back 100%. I love my husband and I am in love with him. But it can never be that innocent love we once shared. My love for him now is based in reality.

kiki1 posted 4/1/2013 09:52 AM

For myself, i will never feel the love i had previously felt for my husband. That love included trusting him 100%. how can i feel that again when it is so obvious i cannot trust him 100% ever again??

momdaughterwife posted 4/1/2013 09:57 AM

Hello. BS here. I have certainly felt that way, but never actually said it to my FWH. I just wanted to let you know that I've thought it, and even thought maybe I hated his guts. There are many things to process, and maybe she is just at a place where she actually trusts you with her feelings. That can be a good thing. Anyway, just when I think I hate him, I would have the love feelings return. It can be a daily, weekly, monthly, thing. Recover is a very long process. The best advice I have is to not 'punish' her, but to offer your love and support while letting her see how hard you're working on yourself. Good luck.

whatdoto posted 4/1/2013 10:13 AM

BS here.

I want to "ditto" what Hardenmyheart says. I told WH ILYBINILWY just a few weeks ago. I'm almost 3 years from Dday. I think the A was a dealbreaker.

He's in denial. I'm focuing on our reality.

Good luck to you sodamnsorry

uncertainone posted 4/1/2013 10:16 AM

When a spouse hits you with ilybinilwy, it usually means they have checked out of the relationship

BINGO!! I am so perplexed to see the vastly different responses to the exact same phrase on here. If a WS says it it's bullshit if a BS says it it's an understandable reaction to trauma.

Bullshit. It's the same fucking thing. Detachment. Period. Doesn't matter if the "reasons" make sense to "you" or not. Doesn't matter if "you" think it's bullshit or not.

Detachment is contagious and it spreads even in a single "organism". You stop sharing things, for whatever reasons, real, made up, re-written, whatever. You stop looking to them, again same caviat. You stop considering them. Thinking about them. Enjoying them. Now it's the negative you see. The positive either never happened or it happened so long ago it's barely a memory. These may in fact be true statements, complete fiction, or a mixture but it doesn't matter. You've seperated and detached.

It's understandable for someone to experience this after d day and learning of such a massive betrayal. It's understandable for someone to experience this after day in day out little slights, stings, cuts that never heal and continue being assaulted with indifference or intention.

Falling out of love with someone that hurts you is just as appropriate a response as dropping a red hot fire poker.

You don't even consider picking one of those up again, but you might if it cools. That's an individual thing. Some may chose another way to stoke the fire than an instrument that inflicted such pain...and that's true no matter what letters you hail with.

That's also ok, just get a divorce first.

kannan posted 4/1/2013 11:42 AM

A BS here,
I did everything to save our marriage first, Rug swept, forgiven her instantly, cried, begged and did everything to rectify my mistakes she pointed out.
She stayed with me (may be due to pity at that time)

As time gone and reality set up I realized that the dynamics of our relationship changed for ever, I realized A was her choice and I did nothing wrong for that to happen. The love I felt for her gradually slipped through my hands like sand, slowly but steadily.

That was the time I realized I have fell out of love with her. Told her and filed for D. By that time she realized I was gone for ever she tried everything to bring back that love but it was too late.

Now with a wonderful women, with a wonderful life.

The A or sex with OM was not the factor which killed the love for her but the lies, disrespect and cruelty she showed.

thecaves posted 4/1/2013 13:01 PM

This whole thread both scares me and gives me hope. There are mostly responses from BSs and they vary widely with differing views.

My BS has not said those words specifically at this point but she also does not tell me she loves me now. I understand that and know she is trying to process still. She even expressed that me telling her I loved her was putting pressure on her, so now I only do it when it's obviously appropriate.

But, what I think is happening with us is that she is trying to get that feeling back again as much as possible. What I see helping is simply showing her every day how committed I am to being a better husband for her. She wants to feel loved, cherished, respected, honored. I want to make her feel those things and much more and continue to do everything to accomplish just that.

I think another thing that helps to get that feeling back is getting out together. Date nights. Doing things together. Doing something different together. Forging new memories together.

This weekend she did something that I think gives us both hope. We were enjoying a date night and she said to me... "Tell Me". Which I responded with "I Love You" and followed up with about 5 minutes of reasons of why I love her. She felt it. This gives me hope that the love she has for me is still in there, it's just highly protected by the walls she has put up to protect her heart from being hurt again.

Keep doing special things for her sodamsorry. Make HER feel loved and that feeling will come back for her.

silverhopes posted 4/1/2013 15:19 PM

Falling out of love with someone that hurts you is just as appropriate a response as dropping a red hot fire poker.

You don't even consider picking one of those up again, but you might if it cools. That's an individual thing. Some may chose another way to stoke the fire than an instrument that inflicted such pain...and that's true no matter what letters you hail with.

So true!!! Regardless of whether you're a BS, WS, or MH, it is a totally understandable reaction to fall out of love with someone who doesn't treat you well. Why would we want to be in love with someone who hits, or who calls cruel names, or who cheats, or who lies, or any other number of ways of devaluing someone? Why hitch your sense of self-worth to someone who treats you badly?

Now, other responses to being treated badly might not be appropriate. Hitting back isn't. Cheating isn't. Alcohol or drug abuse isn't. Self-harm isn't. Many other things aren't. But falling out of love? That's a perfectly understandable option. What we see a lot though is people who use the "I fell out of love with you" as a reason to go do those other things too. There are much healthier steps to take after falling out of love (or before for that matter). Talking about why you don't feel safe. Going to counseling. Separating or divorcing. I'm sure there are many more that I don't know yet. Learning better boundaries in general. Much subtler things and natural consequences. Sometimes it depends on the nature of the offense. But there have to be healthier options out there. Where we're deprived (I know I'm here and working on it) is in knowing what those better options are. But so worth it to learn them.

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