First of all, educate yourself. Learn what this process looks like - you have a LONG road ahead of you. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Read lots of posts, here, those who have been through this before have great insight to share. Get into IC ASAP. Start working toward the root of why you ever thought this was an acceptable behavior, learn how you justified it, and learn what triggers you will have to be hyper vigilant of in the future to make yourself safe for your BS.
There's a post called Things every WS should know (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250) - read this and re-read it. There's great info in here.
Be patient with yourself and your BS, again, this is a long process, expect that progress won't be measured in days here.
Also, start to accept that this may be a deal breaker. You might lose your marriage. Then work back from that method of thinking and change you because you want to be a better, safer you. Change you because you don't want to be a cheat ever again, because you want to live with the lightness of being authentic, open, and honest in your relationships.
Actions speak louder than words.
Trying wicked hard - never giving up.
I told him I was here until he produces papers for me to sign.
How long have you been married? Kids? Can you give some background here?
You want to know what to do, and it is written all over this board. Read. Read the Healing Library. Listen to what your BH says. If he says to leave, then respect that and find a way to work through it other than requiring him to produce D papers before you leave.
I do not know all the abbreviations yet.
Married 7 years
slo, I took your post as saying that you're determined to show your BS that you will fight to show him you're committed to repairing the damage you've done to him and the M and fixing yourself. The repair starts by completely answering his questions with total honesty. It's not the A that kills the M, it's lies and deceit afterward. It will hurt being that honest but it's necessary. You'll feel like crap and feel ashamed but your H deserves the entire truth.
Transparency is just as important. If you haven't already, hand over *all* passwords and security codes. Let him look at what he wants, when he wants. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.
Get yourself into councelling. Find your why. Dig deep. There are many things that led to your choice, find what started you on that path. This won't be easy, looking at yourself with the blinders off and taking full responsibility for your choices. You'll find out things you don't like about yourself but it's necessary that you face them and own them.
Do this last not for your H but for you. To make yourself healthier, safer to be with.
The wayward's journey to healing is a long, hard one but not one that needs to be travelled alone. The trail has been blazed, all you need to do is follow it. Yes, you'll encounter obstacles but we're here to help you past them. This is not to say we'll do the work for you. We can't. It's for you to do the work but we can guide you, help you avoid the mistakes we made, give you support when you need it and help you through the process of healing.
You seem to have taken some good first steps. Keep going in that direction.
[This message edited by Clarrissa at 12:29 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
You are right, in that S does not always seem the best path forward for R. Every situation is unique.
Clarrissa is right. You need to make the decision to do the work for yourself, not for your H. That doesn't mean that you don't do what he needs you to do, just that if you don't make the commitment to change yourself, then you won't really change in the meaningful way that will make a difference.
Those are the things I *know* that a wayward should do. God knows, I haven't been a particularly good wayward.
We all sit here and read other's posts - it's easy to find the things we should be doing. It's another thing entirely to work your ass off doing them. This is where I have failed. Don't let that happen to you too.
Yes, reading on here will tell us what we *need* to do to fix the damage we've done but each of us has to look into ourselves to find the strength and determination to follow through. And part of that is to find the determination to fix ourselves regardless of whether the relationship survives or not.