"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

slo2005 posted 3/30/2013 10:38 AM

D-day was 03/23/13. The first few days were emotional and full of tears. He wanted to know everything, but I had done so many things for so long it was hard for me to let it all out. I did what they called the trickle truth and finally revealed everything last night. He said we were done, and he wanted me to move out. I want to fight for our marriage. I deleted all my social networking accounts, quit the gym, got a new number, got new emails, and have went straight to school and home. I let him know when i arrive, if something has changed, and when I am leaving. He keeps saying if it was so easy for me then, what makes me think that it wont be easy to do it again. He state I want to stay because I am in shock and dont want to lose everything, not because I love him. I am not sure what i need to do next to fight. I told him i was not leaving. That i would not turn my back on us anymore. I told him I was here until he produces papers for me to sign. Then I will know his decision. I am so scared. for the past two days he has been so calm and the crying has stopped. Not that i want him to cry, but at least then I knew he was still wanting to try. What do I do?

sodamnsorry posted 3/30/2013 11:00 AM

These are all good starts. But frankly, that's the easy part. You have put up some fences by removing your old methods of access, but in this short a time period, haven't even begun to do the real work to make yourself safe and answer your BS's question of what makes you think it won't be easy to do it again.

First of all, educate yourself. Learn what this process looks like - you have a LONG road ahead of you. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Read lots of posts, here, those who have been through this before have great insight to share. Get into IC ASAP. Start working toward the root of why you ever thought this was an acceptable behavior, learn how you justified it, and learn what triggers you will have to be hyper vigilant of in the future to make yourself safe for your BS.
There's a post called Things every WS should know (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250) - read this and re-read it. There's great info in here.

Be patient with yourself and your BS, again, this is a long process, expect that progress won't be measured in days here.

Also, start to accept that this may be a deal breaker. You might lose your marriage. Then work back from that method of thinking and change you because you want to be a better, safer you. Change you because you don't want to be a cheat ever again, because you want to live with the lightness of being authentic, open, and honest in your relationships.

Actions speak louder than words.

BaxtersBFF posted 3/30/2013 23:56 PM

Welcome to SI,

I told him I was here until he produces papers for me to sign.

So he told you he wants you to leave, you rebut his wishes, and you want to know what to do? He told you. By not doing what he tells you he wants you to do, aren't you just disrespecting his wishes again? Not only that, but you are requiring that he produce papers before you will leave? How much effort are you going to make him go through?

How long have you been married? Kids? Can you give some background here?

You want to know what to do, and it is written all over this board. Read. Read the Healing Library. Listen to what your BH says. If he says to leave, then respect that and find a way to work through it other than requiring him to produce D papers before you leave.

slo2005 posted 3/31/2013 00:02 AM

I didn't mean he had to supply papers for me to leave. I meant that I would not fighting until I knew for sure he wanted me to stop, which would be to produce divorce papers for me to sign. He actually has already changed his mind about me leaving. That is why I am so confused. I didn't want to leave, because I know that it will just continue to raise questions about what I was doing. Many of the post stated if we wanted to try and repair that we should not separate. I never meant that that divorce papers to come off as mean and disrespectful. I meant for the comment to mean that I was hear fighting until the end.

I do not know all the abbreviations yet.
Married 7 years
No kids

Clarrissa posted 3/31/2013 00:25 AM

@Baxter if you reread her post, their Dday was just days ago. I know yours and gerrygirl's was some time ago so perhaps the memory of those first days have faded. Those first days when the BS changes their mind every few minutes or hours about what they wanted.

slo, I took your post as saying that you're determined to show your BS that you will fight to show him you're committed to repairing the damage you've done to him and the M and fixing yourself. The repair starts by completely answering his questions with total honesty. It's not the A that kills the M, it's lies and deceit afterward. It will hurt being that honest but it's necessary. You'll feel like crap and feel ashamed but your H deserves the entire truth.

Transparency is just as important. If you haven't already, hand over *all* passwords and security codes. Let him look at what he wants, when he wants. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

Get yourself into councelling. Find your why. Dig deep. There are many things that led to your choice, find what started you on that path. This won't be easy, looking at yourself with the blinders off and taking full responsibility for your choices. You'll find out things you don't like about yourself but it's necessary that you face them and own them.

Do this last not for your H but for you. To make yourself healthier, safer to be with.

The wayward's journey to healing is a long, hard one but not one that needs to be travelled alone. The trail has been blazed, all you need to do is follow it. Yes, you'll encounter obstacles but we're here to help you past them. This is not to say we'll do the work for you. We can't. It's for you to do the work but we can guide you, help you avoid the mistakes we made, give you support when you need it and help you through the process of healing.

You seem to have taken some good first steps. Keep going in that direction.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 12:29 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 3/31/2013 08:03 AM

Thanks for the explanation. It just struck me in a certain way, as you can see.

You are right, in that S does not always seem the best path forward for R. Every situation is unique.

Clarrissa is right. You need to make the decision to do the work for yourself, not for your H. That doesn't mean that you don't do what he needs you to do, just that if you don't make the commitment to change yourself, then you won't really change in the meaningful way that will make a difference.

sodamnsorry posted 4/6/2013 07:37 AM

I should clarify my earlier post.

Those are the things I *know* that a wayward should do. God knows, I haven't been a particularly good wayward.

We all sit here and read other's posts - it's easy to find the things we should be doing. It's another thing entirely to work your ass off doing them. This is where I have failed. Don't let that happen to you too.

Clarrissa posted 4/6/2013 17:01 PM

Yes, it's hatd to work your ass off, especially when you suspect you might not get the result you desire. I speak of those waywards whose BS haven't decided on R or D. We've all read posts where a WS is asking "what can I do to get my BS to R?" And almost universally they are told not to do it for the BS but for themselves. That's a difficult thing for a new WS to accept. That they need to make the changes for themselves, not to save the M. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't.

Yes, reading on here will tell us what we *need* to do to fix the damage we've done but each of us has to look into ourselves to find the strength and determination to follow through. And part of that is to find the determination to fix ourselves regardless of whether the relationship survives or not.

Strawda posted 4/6/2013 21:58 PM

I understand I did the TT and even just had DD2. So I understand is hard to prove your self.