"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MyNameIsDoug posted 3/30/2013 13:09 PM

We have been doing well since she talked to a divorce lawyer. Last night we went out with her female friends and I made a sexual joke. It ruined the entire night and I am desperatly seeking any idea's that I can do TODAY to help her through this. Our MC cancelled our appt for today.

authenticnow posted 3/30/2013 13:41 PM

Have you talked to her about it today? What made you lower your boundaries and make a sexual joke?

MyNameIsDoug posted 3/30/2013 13:56 PM

I was trying to be funny so her friends would like me. We got into a huge fight and it is not going well. I ruined all the good that I have done over the last month. Sometimes I really hate myself.

ophelia24 posted 3/30/2013 13:57 PM

You might need to look at why you continue to objectify women. The world normalizes sexist talk/behavior, and jokes/innuendoes are placed under the "I was only kidding" justification when challenged. I see examples of it everyday, especially on fb.

You are better than that. We all are.

authenticnow posted 3/30/2013 14:00 PM

I was trying to be funny so her friends would like me.

So your desire to make her friends like you was more important to you at the time than how your joke would make your wife feel?

This is something worth examining. You need to dig deep to figure out why you're willing to disrespect your wife and cross boundaries to get other women to like you.

If you don't stop, you're going to lose your wife. You might have already. But, either way, figuring this stuff out will help you become an emotionally healthier person in the long run.

[This message edited by authenticnow at 2:00 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

ophelia24 posted 3/30/2013 14:07 PM

Further, women may laugh, but that's what we are socialized to do around sexualised comments. Most women, if we are honest with ourselves, feel a sense of revulsion. And some of us feel fucking angry that we are reduced down to mere body parts, and say so.
And you are very fortunate to be with someone who recognizes this. It's a great opportunity to learn and grow as a man.

silverhopes posted 3/30/2013 14:15 PM

Was the joke directed towards your wife or towards her friends? What are your boundaries in your M that you two have talked about? Have you two had such a conversation? How do your boundaries differ from each other?

MyNameIsDoug posted 3/30/2013 17:06 PM

Ophelia, My wife said the same thing to me today. They smile and laugh so they dont seem to be rude.

I am still looking for anything that I can do today to make my wife feel better?

[This message edited by MyNameIsDoug at 5:07 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

standingonmarble posted 3/30/2013 17:16 PM

Why don't you ask her? How can I show you that I am understanding how I messed up? Then remind her that you are a work in progress and that you will stumble but are more than willing to eat humble pie when you screw up.

UnexpectedSong posted 3/30/2013 18:13 PM

so her friends would like me

Why is it important that her friends like you? What would have happened if they didn't? Would your W have been upset that you weren't likable to her friends?

You know that being a gentleman is sufficient to make her friends like you, right?

hurtmywife27 posted 3/30/2013 20:22 PM

Tomorrow go buy her flowers and a card "A romantic card" Depending on how your personality is and if you could get away with that before D-Day that would be the only way you can try to talk your way out of it. My D-Day changed me, I have to worry about loosing my wife and not be the class clown and keep my sex jokes to myself. I will do anything for her.

fallingquickly posted 3/30/2013 21:45 PM

You know that being a gentleman is sufficient to make her friends like you, right?

I agree. Treat your wife well and with respect and her friends will like you very much.

ophelia24 posted 3/30/2013 23:47 PM

Setting and Scrutinizing our boundaries is mandatory in our wayward journey of figuring out how and why we did what we did to our SO and ourselves. And these boundaries aren't just about the physical. For me, I'm learning to think about everything that comes out of my mouth, and my thoughts too. Whether that's talking about someone behind their back, putting up with disrespectful behavior toward me, or others, or even whether my silence is making me complicit in someone's shitty boundaries.

My BS relayed to me a comment he made to some female clients the other day, that although mild, was not appropriate. And he saw the look of disappointment on my face as he told me. I told him he was demeaning himself and them by saying that, and that hes better than that. See, it's not just waywards that cross boundaries, it's endemic. And the more we hold ourselves to higher standards, the more respect we receive, even if people don't agree with us.

I think the wanting people to like us is a real trap. As we tend to not particularly like ourselves much, therefore external validation is really important. That's what got us in the mess we now find ourselves in.

Your wife will notice, and feel safer with you, when your behavior fits with what you say, and she can trust that this continues when she not around you as well. She sounds like a person you could run some thoughts past about not wanting to be "one of those blonde-joke-guffaw" guys. And this will show her too that you are taking this seriously. Which you should be really - for you.

You both deserve more.

MyNameIsDoug posted 3/31/2013 00:06 AM

My wife asked me to post this question at 9am. I refused to do it and said that it would do no good. 5 hours later I posted and it turned out to be helpful. Thank you everybody. Next time I will post before the fight begins.

wifehad5 posted 3/31/2013 06:58 AM

Why would you refuse to do something she asked that was so simple and required so little effort?

MyNameIsDoug posted 3/31/2013 08:01 AM

Pure stupidity. We have had this fight before. I never see how posting can help because all I see is people complaining. I realize that it is a helpful sight for people in need of advice and who are in pain. I just always feel that people on this sight can't help. I was wrong. People who post reply's are helping and I need to learn to open my eye's to people who are trying to help us.

ophelia24 posted 3/31/2013 17:45 PM

I think putting your reluctance to post about this, and take your wifes concerns/disappointment in your behaviour seriously as mere "stupidity" is a cop out.

I was talking to my BF this morning about how when we are called on our shitty behaviour (which by the way is a loving act by the person calling it)makes us feel so crappy about ourselves, that we wriggle, squirm and writhe away from it. All we hear is "Im bad" or a "I must be a terrible person". We all do dumbass shit and let ourselves down and others, and its a gift when someone tells you its not ok and it hurt. We can spend our entire lives turning away from things that make us uncomfortable, and yet to actually say "yes, that was shitty, I really need to look at why I did/said this" is far easier in the long run.

AN brought up a good point too. Why were you so reluctant? Not doing something is often a sign of resentment/anger, as in "I know you want something from me and Im not going to give it to you".

Just some additional thoughts your last post sparked off.