SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

RE: thread on SO "needing space".

Thanks for the hugs and support. This just sucks.

I had been thinking a lot of what he was doing to me. How he could treat me this way. And hurt me again for the second time. To go days and days knowing I was missing him and reaching out to him to contact me.....and he didn't feel it was wrong to give me 'crickets'?!

Since I had no idea when he would feel like talking to me, I called and left a detailed voicemail on Friday. Started with I'd rather do this in person or at least on the phone at a bare minimum....I told him I can't do this anymore. And that I understand wanting space, it's just how we go about it that is very important, etc. I did tell him that I loved him but I can't keep going through this. Of course I said more, but I ended it. I wish it could've been in person as I've never done it any other way.

He did send a text message shortly after my voicemail:

HIM: "First of all, I do plan on calling you at some point. I never changed my FB status since last summer. I was talking with my sister and she mentioned that you thought I was sleeping with somebody else. Nope, not the case. I respect you more than that btw you're only the third person I've slept with -- or what I'm telling you is that I don't go just picking up women. Saying it's over is the right thing. My feelings are based on just me and not anybody else.

ME: I was/am pretty sure you changed your FB status shortly after I did mine. Doesn't really matter now I guess. It's a shame it came down to how it ended. Communication is pretty important. Better now than later I guess. I know we will all miss you guys.

Do you want your clothes/toiletries? When can I get my stuff from your place?"

HIM: Let's plan on next week- Wednesday or Thursday.

ME: Sounds good. <end>

So that is it?! That is all we have to say for a year a half and not even talking on the phone?! I'm so glad he 'planned on calling me sometime'.

No, I don't go looking at his FB page to check the status of our relationship, I just happened to look at his page and saw it.

I spoke with his sister this morning, and she mentioned he sent her a text last night that I broke up with him and that he couldn't blame me.

This still hurts. I still can't believe it's over. We were very involved and it's a lonely feeling in various ways. Everyone is busy with their families and Spouses/SO's so hanging out and doing things doesn't happen.

My parents don't celebrate holidays (nor can we just hang out/supper, etc), so it was nice celebrating with him and his family. Now? Back to me and my two little kids and trying to figure out something fun with them. No matter what, it's always more fun sharing your time with others and I really crave the adult interact.

This is going to take awhile to get over. I've tried really hard to keep my composure around my kiddos and limit the tears. I broke down a bit last night and DD4 was concerned when she saw my silent tears. I calmed her and told her sometimes we get sad and it's okay.

And dating again any time soon? I have NO desire to and know I need to heal some first.....but I don't want to be alone forever. And the odds of finding someone who is great with my kids, etc is daunting. Yea, better not think of that right now...

Oh, and the kicker? My three year antiversary is next week. Fuck.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:21 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

You were right to end it.

You are STILL not getting "communication" from this fellow. Do you see that? CAN you see that?

If you didn't have a conversation with his sister about him seeing someone else,then he is blame shifting. If you did . . . Did you not think that it wouldn't get back to him?

I think there are some good things to learn here.

First off, most people believe they communicate well when they do not. After his first disappearing act is when you should have had a conversation about it and spoken frankly about understanding a need for space and his responsibility for setting your expectations.

Secondly, do not consider his family (especially in a dating relationship) friends. What you say to them does get back.

Third, I firmly believe Facebook and texting are highly detrimental to communication in a relationship. Texting is for when you are at the grocery and lamb is on sale and you need to know if he likes it before you buy some. Facebook is not a barometer of someone's feelings, necessarily. I keep my relationship OFF Facebook, ad my SO is a highly private person and is more comfortable with that (he is not on FB).

I believe every relationship brings us a gift of growth if we are willing to accept it.

Tomorrow, color some eggs, have fun, be silly and remember that we are so much more than a relationship.

Cat

Beautifully said Cat.

I'm so sorry. I hope you see that he is not the man that you thought he was. I know it hurts but he did you a favor. Now you can be free to meet the man that is truly right for you. Take some time for yourself to heal. Being single is not a bad thing. I have learned so much about myself being alone. Focus on your kids, the interests that you like. Be the best person you can be. You won't be alone forever.

((((GrievingMommy))))

(((GM)))

The break up is fresh and you're hurting a lot right now. But you're still very young. It's a bit premature to start worrying about being alone "forever."

You state a worry about finding someone who will be good with your kids. I know that you think your former SO was good with them (and on the surface he may have been) but his disappearing acts and the havoc they play with their mother's feelings is certainly not good for your kids.

Hang in here, GM. You know that these feelings won't last forever and that better days are ahead.

I am sorry for your pain. You are better off without him.

she mentioned that you thought I was sleeping with somebody else.

You suspected him of cheating on you?

(((GM)))

Wow, his attitude about this just sucks. Like he wanted out and was too chicken to do it so he left you hanging until you did it.

I know it hurts, but I agree with everyone else. You're better off without him. You deserve better.

You and your babies do deserve better.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

(((((GM)))))

Like he wanted out and was too chicken to do it so he left you hanging until you did it.

Yes. That is not the actions of a mentally/emotionally healthy adult.

((((GM)))) I am so sorry you and your children are hurting. You were with him a long time and it has to sting terribly to know he could cut it off so quickly with very little discussion, and in such a cowardly way.

I know right now you are hurting and feeling terribly alone. I hate that totally empty alone feeling, like you will never share the warmth of another human again.....I've been there. You know it will get better, you've been here before also so there isn't anything I can say to ease the pain.

As far as your XSO, the fact that he can apparently turn his emotions on and off so easily and just walk away shows a coldness that I would not want around my children. He may have been wonderful while you were dating, but he was hiding something in there and apparently he is at the point where he can hide it no longer. The coldness that it took to end a 1 1/2 year relationship this way tells me that he would have ended up hurting you and your family even more over the long run, so ending this is the best thing for you even though it is painful right now.

Take time to heal and lick your wounds. I usually hibernate a bit to get the more intense grieving out of the way but whatever works for you is good. Be nice and gentle with yourself for a while. Baby yourself and seek support from your closest most trusted friends right now.

I'm sorry GM.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:10 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]

(((GM))) Take care of yourself and your kiddos. I agree with what everyone else has said. You deserve way better. Someone who will be there for you and your kids. This guy wasn't it.

I have no idea why men who do this try to make it seem like there's no one else in the background, which it sounds like this coward you were with was trying to do. He's not having sex with anyone else? That's supposed to make you feel better? Oh wait. Nope, he had no interest in making you feel better. He was just trying to make himself not look so bad.

He's not having sex with someone else? That would be "yet." You can bet there's someone else in the picture. Cowards like him don't get out of one situation until they have another one lined up.

Respect for you? That's laughable.

His entire response to you was designed to try to make himself look less like the chicken shit coward that he is.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to get back any toiletries from his house. And his toiletries left at your house, I'd put them in the trash.

You can bet he was out all weekend with a new woman.

Find your inner bitch and forget about this loser. Save yourself some grief and go completely and totally NC with him and his family. Block him from Facebook. Turn the corner and don't look back.

Thanks for reaffirming that I did the right thing by ending it,and for helping me see that he really isn't the person I thought he was....sounds a lot like my WXH. Sometimes the head and heart differ and second guess itself. Ugh.

UnexpectedSong, I didn't, and still don't think he was cheating on me. I just found it strange that his FB status was listed as Single when I am pretty damn sure he had changed it to 'In a relationship'. I have no idea when he switched it though.

Cat, yes I can see he still isn't communicating which blows my mind. When he pulled this a year ago we talked about it. The need to communicate about what we're thinking and feeling....instead of just running away. Guess that didn't work. I don't say anything to his family without thinking it'd get back to him. I'm seriously going to alter the way communication is done in future relationships!

heartbroken30, I don't think I'd mind being single so much if we/I had people to hang out with. But we don't. It's very frustrating to say the least. So it makes it pretty damn lonely and boring. I have one really good friend but she rarely has time to get together.

hurtinky, unfortunately I have more than just toiletries at his house (sleeping mattress, kids' sleeping bags and games, etc). It's okay....after this last contact, it'll be it!

Today the kids asked about going to his house to see them. It made me sad but I did tell them that we aren't going to his house today and then changed the subject. I dread that conversation every time it comes up.

Another reason, and a big one, that I HATE being back on the market, is my XDH gave me a lovely 'gift' that is incurable (yet no symptoms thankfully). So I have to that fucking discussion (no pun intended) before intimacy and it pisses me off. It's never been a dealbreaker for anyone, but I shouldn't have to deal with this shit too.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 3:16 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

His entire response to you was designed to try to make himself look less like the chicken shit coward that he is.

THIS. I'm sorry you're hurting As for ways to meet people, do you have any mom groups or Mops in the area? At least you might be able to meet some other mom's to have play dates with. Big HUGS.

GM, you don't have to date. In fact, once you've wrapped your head around not dating and not looking for a partner, it's surprisingly liberating.

I tried to date for the first year following my divorce, after seven years of separation and not dating. I really thought I wanted to find someone to spend time with, but I really hated dating and I just wasn't meeting appropriate men. So, I gave up. At first it felt like I'd given up on something important, but in short order, it really felt good to let it go. I have no desire to date now. I am very happy with my life. I have so many things I want to do and I just don't want to waste the time dating.

I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry. What he did sucked and was incredibly immature - especially for the length of time you were dating.

I hope you are doing better today. Hang in there.

His entire response to you was designed to try to make himself look less like the chicken shit coward that he is.

This is EXACTLY the MO of my ex-husband.

He employed this tactic in the M, through the discovery of his A, the supposed reconcillation, and the entire divorce process.

To this day, this is how he operates. His long-suffering current GF (not the OW) deals with it for the most part, but it does trickle into my life with regards to our 21 year old daughter's mental health issues.

It will never change.

And your x-SO will continue to operate this way ... with our without you.

Believe me, you are far better off without this blame-shifting coward in yoru life. I know it hurts right now, but I know, from experience, that you will feel a great deal of peace when you are no longer dodging his blame-bullets.

Wolf

I'm sorry

Definitely immature. He still hasn't called me. Then again, we meet on Thursday to exchange the items we have of each others', and that'll be it so maybe plans on talking then.

It's going to be kinda hard seeing him and it being so...different. I'm ready to get it over with. My parents are keeping the kids that night so they won't be around to see him which is good.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 4:40 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

GM, you don't have to date. In fact, once you've wrapped your head around not dating and not looking for a partner, it's surprisingly liberating.

Absolutely. What are your interests, both those that you have devoted time to in the past and those you would like to try? What about scheduling a class? What about learning a new skill? What about doing something for YOU? This is ever so much more sustaining than dating, and it will give you more of a solid footing and awareness of yourself vs. hanging your emotions on whether or not a man is in your life.

He still hasn't called me.

Why are you expecting him to? You broke it off, you've set a time/place to get each other's belongings. To me, nothing needs to be discussed. And I wouldn't discuss anything at the "things handoff." Thank him and walk away. Dignified and gracious.

Cat