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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: I ended it....and not handling it well.
GrievingMommy
♀ 28127
Member # 28127
Helpless  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: thread on SO "needing space".

Thanks for the hugs and support. This just sucks.

I had been thinking a lot of what he was doing to me. How he could treat me this way. And hurt me again for the second time. To go days and days knowing I was missing him and reaching out to him to contact me.....and he didn't feel it was wrong to give me 'crickets'?!

Since I had no idea when he would feel like talking to me, I called and left a detailed voicemail on Friday. Started with I'd rather do this in person or at least on the phone at a bare minimum....I told him I can't do this anymore. And that I understand wanting space, it's just how we go about it that is very important, etc. I did tell him that I loved him but I can't keep going through this. Of course I said more, but I ended it. I wish it could've been in person as I've never done it any other way.

He did send a text message shortly after my voicemail:

HIM: "First of all, I do plan on calling you at some point. I never changed my FB status since last summer. I was talking with my sister and she mentioned that you thought I was sleeping with somebody else. Nope, not the case. I respect you more than that btw you're only the third person I've slept with -- or what I'm telling you is that I don't go just picking up women. Saying it's over is the right thing. My feelings are based on just me and not anybody else.

ME: I was/am pretty sure you changed your FB status shortly after I did mine. Doesn't really matter now I guess. It's a shame it came down to how it ended. Communication is pretty important. Better now than later I guess. I know we will all miss you guys.

Do you want your clothes/toiletries? When can I get my stuff from your place?"

HIM: Let's plan on next week- Wednesday or Thursday.

ME: Sounds good. <end>

So that is it?! That is all we have to say for a year a half and not even talking on the phone?! I'm so glad he 'planned on calling me sometime'.

No, I don't go looking at his FB page to check the status of our relationship, I just happened to look at his page and saw it.

I spoke with his sister this morning, and she mentioned he sent her a text last night that I broke up with him and that he couldn't blame me.


This still hurts. I still can't believe it's over. We were very involved and it's a lonely feeling in various ways. Everyone is busy with their families and Spouses/SO's so hanging out and doing things doesn't happen.

My parents don't celebrate holidays (nor can we just hang out/supper, etc), so it was nice celebrating with him and his family. Now? Back to me and my two little kids and trying to figure out something fun with them. No matter what, it's always more fun sharing your time with others and I really crave the adult interact.

This is going to take awhile to get over. I've tried really hard to keep my composure around my kiddos and limit the tears. I broke down a bit last night and DD4 was concerned when she saw my silent tears. I calmed her and told her sometimes we get sad and it's okay.

And dating again any time soon? I have NO desire to and know I need to heal some first.....but I don't want to be alone forever. And the odds of finding someone who is great with my kids, etc is daunting. Yea, better not think of that right now...


Oh, and the kicker? My three year antiversary is next week. Fuck.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:21 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Catwoman
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were right to end it.

You are STILL not getting "communication" from this fellow. Do you see that? CAN you see that?

If you didn't have a conversation with his sister about him seeing someone else,then he is blame shifting. If you did . . . Did you not think that it wouldn't get back to him?

I think there are some good things to learn here.

First off, most people believe they communicate well when they do not. After his first disappearing act is when you should have had a conversation about it and spoken frankly about understanding a need for space and his responsibility for setting your expectations.

Secondly, do not consider his family (especially in a dating relationship) friends. What you say to them does get back.

Third, I firmly believe Facebook and texting are highly detrimental to communication in a relationship. Texting is for when you are at the grocery and lamb is on sale and you need to know if he likes it before you buy some. Facebook is not a barometer of someone's feelings, necessarily. I keep my relationship OFF Facebook, ad my SO is a highly private person and is more comfortable with that (he is not on FB).

I believe every relationship brings us a gift of growth if we are willing to accept it.

Tomorrow, color some eggs, have fun, be silly and remember that we are so much more than a relationship.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29716 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
heartbroken30
♀ 18437
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautifully said Cat.

I'm so sorry. I hope you see that he is not the man that you thought he was. I know it hurts but he did you a favor. Now you can be free to meet the man that is truly right for you. Take some time for yourself to heal. Being single is not a bad thing. I have learned so much about myself being alone. Focus on your kids, the interests that you like. Be the best person you can be. You won't be alone forever.


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((GrievingMommy))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26197 | Registered: Aug 2011
SouthernGal
♀ 27315
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GM)))

The break up is fresh and you're hurting a lot right now. But you're still very young. It's a bit premature to start worrying about being alone "forever."

You state a worry about finding someone who will be good with your kids. I know that you think your former SO was good with them (and on the surface he may have been) but his disappearing acts and the havoc they play with their mother's feelings is certainly not good for your kids.

Hang in here, GM. You know that these feelings won't last forever and that better days are ahead.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry for your pain. You are better off without him.

she mentioned that you thought I was sleeping with somebody else.

You suspected him of cheating on you?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6115 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GM)))

Posts: 36480 | Registered: Mar 2011
stillstrong
♀ 36144
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, his attitude about this just sucks. Like he wanted out and was too chicken to do it so he left you hanging until you did it.
I know it hurts, but I agree with everyone else. You're better off without him. You deserve better.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
wildbananas
♀ 10552
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You and your babies do deserve better.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

(((((GM)))))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15435 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like he wanted out and was too chicken to do it so he left you hanging until you did it.
Yes. That is not the actions of a mentally/emotionally healthy adult.

((((GM)))) I am so sorry you and your children are hurting. You were with him a long time and it has to sting terribly to know he could cut it off so quickly with very little discussion, and in such a cowardly way.

I know right now you are hurting and feeling terribly alone. I hate that totally empty alone feeling, like you will never share the warmth of another human again.....I've been there. You know it will get better, you've been here before also so there isn't anything I can say to ease the pain.

As far as your XSO, the fact that he can apparently turn his emotions on and off so easily and just walk away shows a coldness that I would not want around my children. He may have been wonderful while you were dating, but he was hiding something in there and apparently he is at the point where he can hide it no longer. The coldness that it took to end a 1 1/2 year relationship this way tells me that he would have ended up hurting you and your family even more over the long run, so ending this is the best thing for you even though it is painful right now.

Take time to heal and lick your wounds. I usually hibernate a bit to get the more intense grieving out of the way but whatever works for you is good. Be nice and gentle with yourself for a while. Baby yourself and seek support from your closest most trusted friends right now.

I'm sorry GM.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:10 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15409 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
little turtle
♀ 15584
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GM))) Take care of yourself and your kiddos. I agree with what everyone else has said. You deserve way better. Someone who will be there for you and your kids. This guy wasn't it.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4224 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
hurtinky
♀ 26152
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea why men who do this try to make it seem like there's no one else in the background, which it sounds like this coward you were with was trying to do. He's not having sex with anyone else? That's supposed to make you feel better? Oh wait. Nope, he had no interest in making you feel better. He was just trying to make himself not look so bad.

He's not having sex with someone else? That would be "yet." You can bet there's someone else in the picture. Cowards like him don't get out of one situation until they have another one lined up.

Respect for you? That's laughable.

His entire response to you was designed to try to make himself look less like the chicken shit coward that he is.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to get back any toiletries from his house. And his toiletries left at your house, I'd put them in the trash.

You can bet he was out all weekend with a new woman.

Find your inner bitch and forget about this loser. Save yourself some grief and go completely and totally NC with him and his family. Block him from Facebook. Turn the corner and don't look back.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
GrievingMommy
♀ 28127
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for reaffirming that I did the right thing by ending it,and for helping me see that he really isn't the person I thought he was....sounds a lot like my WXH. Sometimes the head and heart differ and second guess itself. Ugh.

UnexpectedSong, I didn't, and still don't think he was cheating on me. I just found it strange that his FB status was listed as Single when I am pretty damn sure he had changed it to 'In a relationship'. I have no idea when he switched it though.

Cat, yes I can see he still isn't communicating which blows my mind. When he pulled this a year ago we talked about it. The need to communicate about what we're thinking and feeling....instead of just running away. Guess that didn't work. I don't say anything to his family without thinking it'd get back to him. I'm seriously going to alter the way communication is done in future relationships!

heartbroken30, I don't think I'd mind being single so much if we/I had people to hang out with. But we don't. It's very frustrating to say the least. So it makes it pretty damn lonely and boring. I have one really good friend but she rarely has time to get together.

hurtinky, unfortunately I have more than just toiletries at his house (sleeping mattress, kids' sleeping bags and games, etc). It's okay....after this last contact, it'll be it!

Today the kids asked about going to his house to see them. It made me sad but I did tell them that we aren't going to his house today and then changed the subject. I dread that conversation every time it comes up.

Another reason, and a big one, that I HATE being back on the market, is my XDH gave me a lovely 'gift' that is incurable (yet no symptoms thankfully). So I have to that fucking discussion (no pun intended) before intimacy and it pisses me off. It's never been a dealbreaker for anyone, but I shouldn't have to deal with this shit too.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 3:16 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Betrayal
♀ 9898
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His entire response to you was designed to try to make himself look less like the chicken shit coward that he is.

THIS. I'm sorry you're hurting As for ways to meet people, do you have any mom groups or Mops in the area? At least you might be able to meet some other mom's to have play dates with. Big HUGS.


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
hurtinky
♀ 26152
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GM, you don't have to date. In fact, once you've wrapped your head around not dating and not looking for a partner, it's surprisingly liberating.

I tried to date for the first year following my divorce, after seven years of separation and not dating. I really thought I wanted to find someone to spend time with, but I really hated dating and I just wasn't meeting appropriate men. So, I gave up. At first it felt like I'd given up on something important, but in short order, it really felt good to let it go. I have no desire to date now. I am very happy with my life. I have so many things I want to do and I just don't want to waste the time dating.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Spirit13
♀ 31758
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry. What he did sucked and was incredibly immature - especially for the length of time you were dating.

I hope you are doing better today. Hang in there.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ 12475
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His entire response to you was designed to try to make himself look less like the chicken shit coward that he is.


This is EXACTLY the MO of my ex-husband.

He employed this tactic in the M, through the discovery of his A, the supposed reconcillation, and the entire divorce process.

To this day, this is how he operates. His long-suffering current GF (not the OW) deals with it for the most part, but it does trickle into my life with regards to our 21 year old daughter's mental health issues.

It will never change.

And your x-SO will continue to operate this way ... with our without you.

Believe me, you are far better off without this blame-shifting coward in yoru life. I know it hurts right now, but I know, from experience, that you will feel a great deal of peace when you are no longer dodging his blame-bullets.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
GrievingMommy
♀ 28127
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely immature. He still hasn't called me. Then again, we meet on Thursday to exchange the items we have of each others', and that'll be it so maybe plans on talking then.

It's going to be kinda hard seeing him and it being so...different. I'm ready to get it over with. My parents are keeping the kids that night so they won't be around to see him which is good.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 4:40 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Catwoman
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GM, you don't have to date. In fact, once you've wrapped your head around not dating and not looking for a partner, it's surprisingly liberating.

Absolutely. What are your interests, both those that you have devoted time to in the past and those you would like to try? What about scheduling a class? What about learning a new skill? What about doing something for YOU? This is ever so much more sustaining than dating, and it will give you more of a solid footing and awareness of yourself vs. hanging your emotions on whether or not a man is in your life.

He still hasn't called me.

Why are you expecting him to? You broke it off, you've set a time/place to get each other's belongings. To me, nothing needs to be discussed. And I wouldn't discuss anything at the "things handoff." Thank him and walk away. Dignified and gracious.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29716 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 27
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