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How long to realize the gravity??

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pizzalover posted 3/31/2013 17:56 PM

My BH says that I haven't really felt the gravity of what I've done. WS - when did you fully grasp the gravity of your actions?

authenticnow posted 3/31/2013 18:02 PM

Do YOU think you've grasped the gravity of what you've done?

I'm not sure. It took awhile. I think after d-day I was in damage-control mode, living in fear of my whole world falling apart, anger at everything, despair. I think it took awhile for me to process all that before I could even realize the pile of shit I had created.

Probably at least 6 months but really hard to say exactly. It's been over 5 years and right after d-day is all a blur.

unforgivable5 posted 3/31/2013 18:04 PM

For me the gravity was almost immediate. When the word affair came slithering out of my lips I wish I could have pulled it back in. I saw the look on her face and it hit me. I knew our lives had changed immediately. However, seeing my BS cry uncontrollably following Dday made it sink in even more.
I was out playing catch with my daughter yesterday and it sunk in even deeper. So while it was immediate, it continues to get heavier and heavier. The gravity just keeps building.

Sienna500 posted 3/31/2013 18:16 PM

Have you thought about why he thinks that?

For me it was immediate too and I also agree it gets worse.

Looking into my BH's eyes does it for me. He looks at me differently.

BaxtersBFF posted 3/31/2013 19:04 PM

I think I understood on some level even before d-day, but it took the years leading to R and then the 6-months of false-R to get to understanding/feeling the real gravity of what I had done. It was a moment of surrender.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 3/31/2013 19:50 PM

Feeling the gravity and grasping or understanding it are two different things IMHO. I think it's a process that occurs over time and in bits and spurts.

During the first couple of months, I was very much in self protection mode. I didn't start to get it until I felt I had something to lose. It didn't hit me until HT said he was done and I believed him. That was the catalyst.

But it takes empathy. Something that I had a difficult time tapping into. But when I did get it there was no denying it. I think it took 6 months to a year before I became empathetic without HT's prompting. That doesn't mean I wasn't remorseful. I just had a more difficult time seeing things the way he did.

We both knew this was big but neither one of us realized just how big until we started talking and digging and working together. Even today, almost three years out, new aspects rear their ugly heads. But these days we are both pretty good at handling what life has to offer.

uncertainone posted 3/31/2013 22:59 PM

Pizzalover, it took me six months after I started posting here. It was the gentle prodding (and some not so gentle ) to look at what my choices did to me.

I never had empathy for my ex and still don't. I didn't choose to reconcile either. Tried but realized I'd be repeating the same toxic choices just without the AP.

One thing I believe very strongly. Comprehending what making these destructive choices do it a very personal thing. You'll know and won't need anyone else to buy in or believe.

If you tackle this mess with another's acceptance or response as a gauge, goal, benchmark it won't work. It will be a performance, not a life change.

KBeguile posted 3/31/2013 23:06 PM

UO's right.

Short of becoming a Madhatter (and even then, it's not exactly right, so I gather), you'll never know the extent or the reality of the pain you've put your partner through. However, if you can understand your underlying decisions and internal conflicts which led to the A, you will be in a much better position to provide him with insights as well as guard yourself against repeating them.

No matter what he decides to do, your job in this is to keep yourself from repeating the bad choices and habits that led you to having an A. Even if he doesn't stick around (which there's nothing you can really do to prevent him from doing what he feels is best for him), you need to be at peace with yourself.

Card posted 4/1/2013 09:24 AM

My BH says that I haven't really felt the gravity of what I've done.

I've seen this response often when a wayward is not doing what the BS needs in order to recover.
For a BS, feeling that the WS doesn't understand the full gravity of the situation is often equated to inaction during the initial recovery.
It could be action steps ranging from No Contact Letter, timeline of events, polygraph for honesty to full disclosure of the affair to friends and family, etc...
I will say that rarely does a BS feel that a wayward understands the full gravity of the A unless they too have been betrayed. (I've been through both)
IMO, Talking through the steps of recovering from the affair is vital for both wayward and betrayed spouses. Only with time and actions can these feelings of inaction dissipate.

WS - when did you fully grasp the gravity of your actions?

My wife packed my pags and tossed me out when she discovered my A.
The full gravity occurred months later, when I asked my wife to attempt recovery with me, only to be told, she wasn't sure if she wanted recovery with me anymore.

pizzalover posted 4/4/2013 15:11 PM

Do YOU think you've grasped the gravity of what you've done?
I'm not sure. It took awhile. I think after d-day I was in damage-control mode, living in fear of my whole world falling apart, anger at everything, despair. I think it took awhile for me to process all that before I could even realize the pile of shit I had created.

I think I've realized the gravity because everything in my life is falling apart. The further I get away from the A, the more perspective I get on the devastation I've created for myself, my BH, my family, my AP's family, etc.

Have you thought about why he thinks that?

Maybe he thinks this because I have lived with my A for so long that it became normalized in a way for me.

Looking into my BH's eyes does it for me. He looks at me differently.

This is happening to me too and it breaks my heart.

I just had a more difficult time seeing things the way he did.

I think maybe I do too because I am still too close to the affair. I need to become more in tune to his feelings and have empathy.

However, if you can understand your underlying decisions and internal conflicts which led to the A, you will be in a much better position to provide him with insights as well as guard yourself against repeating them.

I'm having such a hard time with this. I don't know why. I had 3 1/2 years to figure out why the fuck I was doing this.

Thanks everyone for your constant feedback and support. It really means the world to me!

FR2012 posted 4/4/2013 20:37 PM

Honestly, I realized the gravity of my actions right off the bat. It didn't all click in at the time though. It took me a while to actually process everything that I did.

I saw how hurt and torn my husband was and it just killed me. I realized that I fucked up bad and it was a really hard thing to deal with. But I knew it was something I had to deal with now. I am the one that made it part of our lives. I am the one the torn out my husbands heart and stepped on it. I am the one that almost tore our family apart. I did all of this and although it took a bit for it to click in what I had done, I still did.

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