SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is actually difficult to describe so maybe an example is better...

My BH successfully tried it on with me then stopped and got upset. He was then really cuddly. I just told him how much I love him.

Then today I was stood up and he was sat down and hugged me, put his hands on the back of my legs up my dress in a sexy way then moved them to his head really fast and had his head in his hands.

I can't think of the words to say in these situations and is this normal? Do you think he's maybe rushing into things because it's so soon after?

I hate that I've done this I could literally throw up.

He probably is rushing, but if that is what he feels at that time, then that is what he feels. Talking about things beforehand would seem the right track. Yes, it's awkward, but talk about what he wants to hear from you, what he wants you to do. Assuming it is okay with you, then you have a plan for these times and maybe he won't trigger as much knowing that you have already discussed it and have a plan.

I've tried talking about it but he seems almost embarrassed.

Me telling him I love him and how I feel about him seems to help but, I just don't know what to say apart from that I really don't mind if he'd rather wait a while.

No stop sign so I hope it's ok - BW here.

Sounds like he is having triggers when he thinks of these things with you. They still happen to me a lot during sex (heck all day). I can usually work through mine but some stop me dead in my tracks. What I want most from BH at that moment is him to acknowledge the trigger, his part (a REAL and specific apology) and reassurance that's it is OK if I have to stop. I often worried me stopping wiould drive him to another A. Try to get a real understanding of what he needs when he triggers.

I went through something similar but it was *me* who was afraid to initiate. I thought my BH would think I'd gone sliding down the slope again if I did. But the advice I got was: go ahead and initiate, see what happens. Perhaps when this happens again, let your BH know that you understand that he's triggering and why, that you're sorry that you did that to him then take the lead. Be gently aggressive, if that makes sense. He's probably afraid that you'll reject him, that you'll be thinking of the OM istead of him. Show him *he's* the one on your mind. In this situation, actions really are more important than words and actions can *say* what words cannot.

Definitely no stop sign, I really want the other perspective so I can help.

I'm honestly not initiating anything, I couldn't. I feel scared to do anything sexy. It's weird, I feel like if I do anything or say anything like that he'll think I'm slutty.

We had friends over and they were joking about sex, I just left the room, pretended I needed to check on the kids but he knew why I left. I feel so sort of dirty.

I just want to know what would help my BH. How should I behave?

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:55 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

Good Morning Sienna,

Sex for many men is a way to feel connected to our spouse. I know that for me it was also building assurances that FWW wanted to be with me and not OM. I believe that your BH is reaching out to you and your relationship.

I couldn't. I feel scared to do anything sexy. It's weird, I feel like if I do anything or say anything like that he'll think I'm slutty.

After an A with OM, you now feel slutty if you initiate or participate in sex with your BH. When I read this I wonder if he is feeling rejection (I mean on top of the A rejection).

If you are not initiating does this make him feel unloved? When he attempts to initiate does he sense the reluctance in you and interpret it as rejection?

Recovery after an A is a long road, this is one of the issues you and your BH have to talk about and work through. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and at least for me it made other less pleasurable parts a bit more bearable.

Hello,

I'm just so stressed out with everything. He probably does sense my reluctance but I don't know if I can change it, I feel uncomfortable and awkward and like he'll think I'm disgusting.

He has said some really vile things and I don't blame him but they've stuck in my mind.

We were always fine in that department, great in fact. It has no bearing on why I cheated at all.

I can't initiate, I'm too scared. One time we were, then he asked a very intimate question about me and an OM. I literally had to grab his head to look at me and say how much I love him the whole time just so he could carry on. It was an awful experience, uncomfortable and awkward for me. Then after he was asking why I didn't just want him.

I am at a loss on what to do about everything. The only thing I do know is that I love him, want him and need him.

It was an awful experience, uncomfortable and awkward for me. Then after he was asking why I didn't just want him.

No offense but imagine how uncomfortable he feels? Him asking you why you didn't just want him shows you exactly what he needs. He NEEDS to know you want him. If its uncomfortable for you - address it in IC. Put your big girl panties on, step outside your own needs and try and see his. He needs to feel wanted sexually from you. That's a good thing. The blow to his self esteem is showing up here. It's great that you came here asking for help though.

So, our situations are more similar than I thought, Sienna. I was afraid to initiate because I was convinced my H would think I was having another A. I also didn't want to feel rejected, especially after the names I'd been called after Dday. Our sex life was also a non issue in terms of my why.

As sodamnlost said, your H NEEDS to know you want HIM. My H needed the same thing. Your H feels rejected because of the A and because of your reluctance to initiate. That last he interprets as you'd rather be with the OM. This negativity is feeding off itself and you're in stalemate. One of you has to break the cycle. It would do wonders for both of you if *you* broke it. Trust me, I've been there. Concentrate on him, let him know that he's the one you want to be with. It will almost be like the first time you were intimate but you'll have the advantage of knowing what he likes. Like I said, be gently aggressive. The biggest obstacle you have right now is that you're afraid of what he *might* think. That was mine as well. And you know what? I was wrong about that. Try it, I think you'll be surprised.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:00 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

I know he feels worse than terrible. I just want to make it right.

I'll try being more proactive, it's definitely worth a try. I didn't know if it might make a BS worse. I can see now that it's probably worse and might come across as me not wanting him. Especially since it wasn't an emotional affair.

Thank you Clarissa. It's very comforting to know others have/have had the same worries. The names do stick in my mind but sleeping with my husband doesn't make me any of those names and i'll try and focus on that.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 8:01 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

I agree with what others said. As a BS, we NEED to know that our WS finds us sexy and wants us. After the A, we feel like we are not attractive to our WS (especially if during the A or after they told us otherwise). I feel like if he doesnt initiate sex or want it then I feel rejected. I need to know he still desires me...perhaps your hubbie does as well.