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Newest Member: chachapoppyseed (45751)

User Topic: I try and try.....
Sam793
♂ 37081
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BW has asked me repeatedly to explain everything. Why I did it. Why I would risk my marriage. How I could do it to her. How I could say the things I did to the AP. How I could have an PA with the AP. Why didn't I just leave the M. Why did the A go on so long. How could my BW and DD mean so little. How could I lie to her. Why the AP. I have answered these things. I have answered these things different ways. I have elaborated on these things. I have thought deeper on these things. It's getting down to the wire I've been told. Our DD is due in a week and a half and after that the talk time will no longer be available. I'm not throwing in the towel but I don't know what else to say. I don't know what she wants to hear. It's been the truth after months of TT but that has stopped because I can't TT anymore. I refuse to let myself and it did no good.

Has any WS faced this and how do you help your BS.

BS's, what would my BW be asking? I must be as thick as a brick as I still don't understand.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's asking because she's driven by a compulsion to somehow make sense of this senseless act.

Show her compassion instead of saying "Well I've done everything I can, you're just being difficult now."

Answer her questions truthfully and repeatedly. She deserves your patience right now as she tries to claw her way out of the psychological pit she was shoved into, while pregnant no less.


Keep trying. For 2-5 years. The questions should slow after consistent respect, truth, and compassion.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18347 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sam793
♂ 37081
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not trying to say she's being difficult. I understand she wants to know things over and over. I have no problem answering them. The difficulty I'm having is the "nope that's not it" after I explain things. I was so screwed in the head living a life of lies that it was like it was real. I have no issues going over and over what happened for how many years it takes. I just would like her to know that it will be the same stuff and no smack up side of the head revelation.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
HFSSC
♀ 33338
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take some BIG deep breaths (in the bathroom, by yourself) and just hang on.

Jrazz is 100% right. Lost is asking you the same questions because she needs to hear the same answers. As many times as she needs to hear them. And I promise you, she can tell the difference between this:

<sigh> "Just like the last 23 times you've asked me this question, the answer is xxxyyyzzz"

and this:

"The answer is xxxyyyzzz. And I am sorrier than I will ever be able to express. All I can do is tell you that I am doing everything I can to not be that person any more, and to be someone who is safe for you."

It's not what you say. It's how you say it and also the consistency and compassion. She has had her world completely ripped apart at the seams. And while YOU know everything and YOU know there's nothing else, she doesn't know anything of the sort. Every time she let her guard down and started to believe she had all of the truth, she was demolished again.

She will keep asking until she feels safe with you and with your answers. Keep answering her. Be patient. Be kind. ALWAYS tell her that you are not going anywhere and will answer her questions as many times as she needs to. And for God's sake, don't change your story up just for the sake of something new.

Hang in there. I am pulling for y'all and you are in my prayers daily.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2885 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is she can't trust that this is the case, and you certainly can't tell her that.

I remember FWH used to say things like, "I ASSURE you I am telling you the truth now." as if the emphasis and fancy words were supposed to mean something to me.

Today they do. 2.5 years ago there was not a word he could utter that carried any weight whatsoever. You can't reassure her right now. You can only BE trustworthy. BE forthcoming, and in time she will see that your actions match your words... and your words might actually be true.

Tell her the truth, but don't expect her to believe you. She has no reason to, afterall.

I really do get how difficult things are for the remorseful WS. Now that you are being honest, you are not to be believed. It's very frustrating, but it's part of the reality that you set in motion when you betrayed your life partner. It's going to take her years to believe you. Something that will make her feel better is telling her every day that you are in it to win it. Every day say, "I'm not going anywhere. I will give my all to my family" and then live it. Then do the same thing tomorrow. You're not going to get any cookies right now, but you are building a new foundation of trust and the reward is being an authentic person, and healing your wife's heart with work. The hard way. The right way.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18347 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sam793
♂ 37081
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She does tell me I'm a changed person. It's what I did that she can't get over. She can understand how I could have an PA with someone I didn't love. It goes against anything I ever preached. I know it did. I still did it though. I did that so I could feel good about myself and feel desired without obligations. It was like a come and go as you please. If I was feeling down I could feel better by saying niceties in a text or email and the AP ate it up. She ate it up so well she kept them saved which ended up biting me on D Day. I don't know what I was doing but I do know now. I'm being focused on my family and nobody is coming in to break that up.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of what ^^they^^ said. Additionally, I'd like to hit on this:
The difficulty I'm having is the "nope that's not it" after I explain things.

How does the conversation proceed after she says this? Are you working with her to try to understand why she has a problem with your answers? Besides the incomprehension of how a WS could betray the BS in such a way, perhaps the *challenge* to you from your BW by basically calling *bullshit* on your answers is a roundabout way for her to, again, hear your sorrow and that you remained in the M because you wanted to and that she and your DD *did* mean something to you. And she may very well be *testing* your fortitude......your *stickwithitness* so to speak. She may be watching to see if you are going to stick this out with her all of the way or if you are going to fold like a house of cards.

Remember that every time she asks you a question and your answer matches the answer that you gave her the first 639 times that she asked it --> YOU get trust chits. And due to the TT, you may not be getting a full trust chit for every consistent answer that you give. TT has a way of *running the trust bucket dry* and it takes a long time to begin re-gaining it.

With a baby on the way, I can't help but wonder if she's not feeling *extra* insecure and unstable and needs a lot of reassurance that you are exactly where you want to be and where you intend to remain....no matter what.

And then it's just a *time* and processing thing, Sam.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8187 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She ate it up so well she kept them saved which ended up biting me on D Day.

You didn't get bitten on DDay, Sam. Your BS did. You wrote those things. You armed the gun. The AP may have deployed them, but it was your artillery.

When you can start to see DDay as the day that you were set free from your life of lies rather than the day that you were busted, you'll be as step closer to having the mindset necessary to see the big picture and go the long haul.

Take a look at the title of this post. You're claiming not to play the victim and yet most of what your phrasing comes out as if you think that something is being done to you here.

This may sound a bit pointed but I really feel like you WANT to do the right thing. It's going to take a new outlook - one where you have accepted your role in this both as the betrayer and the healer.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:38 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18347 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sam793
♂ 37081
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you can start to see DDay as the day that you were set free from your life of lies rather than the day that you were busted, you'll be as step closer to having the mindset necessary to see the big picture and go the long haul.

My second post says that exactly. I was so screwed in the head living a life of lies. When I typed that it felt good. It really felt good. I did think that way for a long time. It's not that anymore. It was just lies. Lies to my BW, lies to my family, friends, and also to me.

I'm trying hard to to sound like the victim. I know I'm the last one to be the victim. I guess it's words of frustration being misdirected. I used to type out all of my problems I'm a word processor and then delete them. It made me feel better. At least at that time it did. It didn't solve anything or help me in the long run. It's like most of the time when I discuss things here. What my intentions are and what I end up typing is frustrations and issues I'm dealing with. I get what I need help with out but still add my issues to it which is not right. I need to screen my post before pressing send to stop the poor me in them.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's more important to get your honest to goodness feelings out here, Sam. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm picking on you. Believe me, if I don't feel like I can get through to someone I don't bother. I just hope that between HFSSC, gonnabe and I we've at least helped answer the "whys" of your BS's persistent questioning.

If I can just leave you with one sentiment tonight it's "patience." She's going to be in emotional upheaval for a while. Things aren't going to make sense. Give her patience, space, love, reassurance.... things that will nurture her broken heart and in time things will make more sense and communication won't feel like triage all the time.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18347 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's asking for it to not have happened. She's asking you to weave the threads that have been unraveled into something that looks like safety, protection, love, adoration, loyalty. You know, what she thought she had, before it all vanished from under her feet.

Can you do that? No. So what's the best you can do? Fix you. Make you all those things that you, she, or anyone else if you two don't work out will need.

Be those things now. It's honestly not hard, if you truly put the thought processes in place that support those actions and choices.

You know what I find odd about some of these posts? Doing the right thing in life often has challenges, obstacles, road blocks, those that are against you. I'm sure this isn't the first brush you've had facing an uphill battle. Don't know why some seem so surprised or confounded when it happens here.

You're a cop, right? You've got this. Shit, you probably more than many know how to deal with challenging situations while going by the book (I hope).


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The difficulty I'm having is the "nope that's not it" after I explain things.

Ask her to clarify why she thinks that. Sometimes my WH will explain why he did abc. Then later he gives his explanation for xyz. The problem comes in because the two explanations contradict each other. I do think his explanations are what he truly was thinking at the time and he did not see the illogicalness when he was in the A.

Perhaps your BW is seeing those contradictions and that's what she means by "nope that's not it".


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 993 | Registered: Jun 2012
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's asking for it to not have happened. She's asking you to weave the threads that have been unraveled into something that looks like safety, protection, love, adoration, loyalty. You know, what she thought she had, before it all vanished from under her feet.

Damn UO, you're good.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
HeartInADustpan
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's asking for it to not have happened. She's asking you to weave the threads that have been unraveled into something that looks like safety, protection, love, adoration, loyalty. You know, what she thought she had, before it all vanished from under her feet.

UO is spot on. As a BW, when I get in "that mood," I have to ask the same questions over and over and over again. I get the same answers which always is reassuring. My WH never acts as though it is an inconvenience or "not this again." He is very, very patient as he should be. However, I know there is a part of me that wishes for a magic wand that could rewrite history and the whole thing never happened.

I can't remember which book the concept is from, but there was a part about how everything the WS did is the past and they've dealt with the past, what the have done and are "over" it, but for the BS, it is their now. We're living it. For me, it take a miracle to process 6 years of lies and betrayal in a matter of months. I'm not sure how far from your DDay you are, though. Healing takes so many different things, but I think mostly the dreaded four letter word...time.

The difficulty I'm having is the "nope that's not it" after I explain things.

You may have already done this, but maybe a hardcore, detailed on paper timeline with events that led up to the A might help. Something that incorporates all the factual plus some of the why's and how's might help give insight. Might also throw in what you thought your justification was at the time and how NOW you take responsibility for the behavior. Just a thought.

Hang in there!


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Sam793
♂ 37081
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your comments. I don't mind telling my BW the same thing over and over. I understand where she doubts what I'm saying. I interact with untruths every day and after awhile of it it's hard to believe anyone.

I'm not so surprised when I face challenges but sometimes like to vent them on here. No matter how your WS acts, there is still frustration there. My frustration has turned to pain most if the time. I hurt daily thinking of what I did to my BW.

Again thank you all for your guidance.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

My STBXH said I drove him nuts with repeated asking and he quickly lost patience with it and ran out the door-but I learned he was faking R.

Anyway, after DDay of "the real deal", my mind went into complete and total shock. I think, and my IC says, that I repeated the questions because they simply would not sink in.

When DDay came, my world was turned completly upside down and I lost abiility to comprehend info. or process words and thoughts. And sometimes, the most incredulous things for me were things I asked again.

Sometimes hearing something again made it more real, unfortunately, but I can't find closure til I can process some idea also and sometimes hearing it again helps.

I don't know if it would help for patience reasons for Sam793 or any WS, but one thing is that I learned about the A and other activity when WH had known for over a year what he was doing and he knew all about it, but I did't!


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2366 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Betrayed67
♀ 38134
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still ask the same questions to my WH. Some answers are not consistent with the one before for some of the questions. I feel I need to ask over and over to get my head around what to me was unbelievable truth. And I look for the consistent sign of remorse in his voice and demeanor. Last night I ask my WH how could he have engaged in the most unloving way if he did love me and my daughter - if our safety and interests are important to him? what i got was this look of sadness and remorse on his face -and a huge sad sigh when faced with a question that makes him really look inside himself and his skewed thinking and reasoning at that time. I still find it hard reconciling his behavior to the person I thought I knew and trusted blindly. Although there were no words -the look of pain and anxiety i see on his face somehow gives me a little assurance that maybe he is finally understanding the pain he has caused his family. ..and that makes me feel hopeful even just a little.

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 3:18 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still did it though. I did that so I could feel good about myself and feel desired without obligations. It was like a come and go as you please. If I was feeling down I could feel better by saying niceties in a text or email and the AP ate it up. She ate it up so well she kept them saved which ended up biting me on D Day. I don't know what I was doing but I do know now. I'm being focused on my family and nobody is coming in to break that up.

These are pretty surface reasons. You need to dig deeper - probably with the help of a counselor. We all feel those things at times - wanting to escape the mundane, the everyday... but not all of use choose to deal with those feelings with an A.

I think what your BS may be looking for is why/what in you is so broken that you thought having a A was ok - Because obviously on some level you thought it was ok because you took that step outside the M.

Look deeper. When you think you can't dig any deeper, keep going.

It's a lot of work, and she deserves to have you really put that effort into healing yourself, her and you M.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Topic Posts: 18

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