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User Topic: How should I tell him?
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry to bombard this site with posts, I just don't know what else to do.

My husband and I have been invited to a party and he really wants to go. The thing is, I know one of the ONSs will be there. The OM doesn't know me, I doubt he even knows my name and I can't imagine he'd try and talk to me but still, I don't know what to do.

I don't feel like I can just tell my husband, I don't like bringing anything up and he'll definitely go and actively seek the OM.

It's just one thing after another. I need to get it right because he might start feeling like I'm not worth the hassle.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna...

Do not blindside your husband.

Sit down with him and tell him honestly about the situation.

You both can either decide to still go and have a game plan in place in case the OM or your H run into eachother or you both can not go.

Either way, you need to face this as a team together.

ETA: Pay no attention to my username...my husband apparently has a wicked sense of humor

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 7:06 AM, April 1st (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199163 | Registered: May 2002
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I have to tell him I really do but, he will be upset as soon as I mention it then he'll be angry and he'll look for him.

I can't even think how to phrase it. My husband will just listen and probably won't say anything then he'll explode tonight.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
SandAway
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your BH would be much more upset if you didn't tell him about the OM being there. Especially if you knew he would be there but the only reason you won't tell your BH is because you don't want him to get angry...

Sounds like your BH isn't your #1 concern.

Trust me, once he realized you knew of the situation ahead of time yet chose not to say anything, THAT is what will make him angry.

Trust him. Talk to him.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like every word that comes out of my mouth hurts him.

I'm going to tell him, I'm 100% convinced I should tell him to avoid surprises. I don't want to keep anything from him.

I don't know how to phrase it, even on here I don't know how. How do I refer to the guy? I don't even know his name. 'One of my one night stands' sounds so bad. I can't describe how ashamed I am.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna,

Telling him will hurt him, but not telling him could potentially be so much worse.

Imagine what would happen if your AP hit on you again, or said something about your ONS to your H.

When I was in the middle of being a BH something similar enough happened to me. Fortunaltely for my M, my FWW's A and AP was already known to me. If I had been caught by surprise, I don't know what would have happened but it wouldn't have been pretty.

It's not the telling that hurts, it's the A. Now, you're just dealing with the consequences. Time to "Girl Up".


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here and yes, absolutely you should tell him.

'One of my one night stands' sounds so bad.
Then let it sound bad. Your actions in putting him first this way will help him. You're ashamed and embarrassed and hate that you even have to tell him this. Let him know all of that.

Either way, you need to face this as a team together.

^^^^^This x 1000


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him.. He said "are you sure you'll be able to keep your knickers on? How excited are you out of 10? I can't wait to meet him, we can compare notes. He can tell me how dirty you are.." ...he led onto much worse but I couldn't bring myself to type it, so disgusting.

I didn't say anything, he then acted normal and started talking about babysitting arrangements. Then he said he's sorry and didn't mean what he said, told me he loves me etc.

I know it's not his fault , he's just hurting badly and he has every right.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should not go to this party. You would be breaking NC. Why on earth would you go to a party where an OM is?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 2008 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Panda, why bother going?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2044 | Registered: Sep 2011
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a work type of thing, it's my husband who really wants/needs to go. I would totally rather not.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said "are you sure you'll be able to keep your knickers on? ...he led onto much worse but I couldn't bring myself to type it, so disgusting.

Yea, from about month 4 to 6 I said some pretty horrible things to my FWW. Not a period I am proud of looking back. I wanted her to hurt as badly as I did. To prove that she really wanted to stay with me like I wanted to stay for her. I can now explain all sorts of ways that was neither healthy or helpful, but back then that is what it was. I am not saying this is true in your case, but in the early days after dday when I thinking D I was much less angry (and mean) than later when I was thinking we might R. Still, it was my issue and something I had to work through. We did get some "fighting rules and boundaries" from our MC that we both agreed to that helped. There do have to be limits and understanding in fighting. At a couple of points FWW regressed in response to things I said and did in my rage. Still, some of the best healing moments were when I would vent off and she would listen, and then tell me she was sorry for having hurt me so badly and betrayed me. She did not do this often in the first year, but the couple of times were very important.

It's a work type of thing, it's my husband who really wants/needs to go. I would totally rather not.

I think you and your BS need to really consider the benefits of you both going and presenting a united front, versus the mutual stress and tension so soon after dday.

OM doesn't know me, I doubt he even knows my name and I can't imagine he'd try and talk to me but still, I don't know what to do.

If I understand correctly, you would regognize, but do not know the name of your ONS partner? You have no idea how he may respond if he recognizes you.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told him I don't want to go and that I don't think he should but he really feels as though he needs to be there. We won't stay long.

Yes I would recognise my ONS but I don't know his name, I can't remember it. I'm just praying he won't even look at me and that I won't see him. God i hope he wouldn't speak to me.

I don't really mind what my husband says or does at this point as long as it makes him feel better.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BH can go if he needs to. I would think he would respect you for NOT going.
Are you sure you don't want to go, just out of curiosity about OM? Or to see your BH's reaction?

Going is only going to set you back and your R. You can't wish away the elephant in the room.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 2008 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely don't want to go. I'm not curious about anything- i know what my husband's reaction will be if he sees him and I don't want to put him through it.

When I suggested he go alone he looked upset and worried. To be honest we're joined at the hip recently.

Maybe he'll be OK. I suggested just staying home and he winked at me and said it'll be fine, told me not to worry. I am worried, about him.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So trust him. It your actions that have been the problem not his. I don't see from your descriptions he's been out of control or unpredictable.

I have read your posts. These ONS's...were you lashing out and wanting to hurt him as a form of punishment?

You posted that you are very passive and wimpy. That can really create an accumulation of anger that left unexpressed or expressed in a healthy way can turn to rage.

Rage can be far harder to control than anger and be much more volatile and explosive with little consideration of collateral damage even if that includes yourself.

Three ONS's in a short time frame with no prior tendencies are pretty dramatic, self destructive, aggressive choices and actions.

You state earlier this morning you didn't feel you could tell then popped back on saying you told. I can't help but wonder if you're not actually getting some "enjoyment" (for lack of a better word right now) with flash banging him with these "little" details.

If I were him I'd be donning a flack jacket. He seems pretty in control considering the enormity of the recent reveals from you.

Not a very comfortable dynamic to read at all. Almost as if you're both building toward something. Really be alert and internally searching for a nexus of these choices and actions. What patterns are you starting to see? It may not resemble the current style at all but be very much a part of it.

I'm finding just this same thing for myself. Seeing how ways of working through things that actually proved quite successful prior were really anything but.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uncertainone,

I really hope we're not building towards anything.

I did want to tell him about tonight but I wasn't sure how. I also believe I'm easily led sometimes. In general i'm pretty sure that anyone elses opinion will be better than mine and i'll have judged it wrong. Just say 'jump' and i'll ask 'how high'.

I really don't want to punish him now, maybe I did before I don't know and I know I was extreme and it's not like me at all, since I've been with him.

His friends all warned him what a fuck up I am anyway. Even at school I was always thought of as being bad or a bad influence.

My husband knows this and knows i'm sensitive to being called certain names so that night that it all kicked off maybe I did think I'll show him but I can't remember thinking it at the time and that's the truth.

Every time my friend suggests a reason I'm like 'yeah maybe that's it'. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing. I think once I know that everything else will be OK. My husband really is amazing and he's looking beautiful and ready to go!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he winked at me and said it'll be fine

I'm a bit concerned about your WH being in close proximity to the OM so soon after Dday. It really sounds like a situation that could go bad...fast.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
She-Ra
♀ 36033
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sienna,

I agree with Gonna.. I don't think your BH should get near the OM especially this soon after d-day plus being at a party when there will be drinking involved.

Also... Of course the OM will recognize you. I've had ONSs (before my BH) and ran into them at other parties and they will always talk to you again. Even if he doesn't "know" you, likely a little bit of liquid courage will have him talking to you again.. Maybe he will even hope that he would score again. Do you blame him? Nope. Did he know you were married? As far as he is concerned, that was a great night.

I'm glad you told your BH. I don't think either of you should go to the party. This will be one of the consequences of your affairs. Consider yourself lucky that this is a minor consequence.

I went to a party 1 week after d-day. It turned out badly. There was no OM there but my BH was not himself and neither was I. There wasn't any scene but our friends could tell something was weird about us.

Not sure about your BH but mine... if he came across one of my OM, there would be blood. My BH would knock him out without even a 2nd though.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sienna500
♀ 38832
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was OK. It was a little weird at first but my BH was so busy and occupied that it was OK. I was glued to our mutual friends.

I did see the guy first but it was when my husband was taking the mic to talk about his work so I was jumping around like a cheerleader and my husband referenced me.

When I went outside the guy was out there with his mates, he said 'so that's your husband', i said 'yes' then before I could speak again my BHs best mate told him to get lost. The guy said 'sorry I didn't know' and left.

I thought he would have looked for the guy so he could knock him out but he was really occupied and I was close by cheering him on. I think he made his best mate stay with me all night but I really don't mind.

On the way home I told my husband and he just nodded. He seems OK, I can hear him talking on the phone to his mate about how well tonight went.

I know I'm so lucky to have him.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 61
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