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How do I get to the why??

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gfrich posted 4/1/2013 09:21 AM

I have been trying to get they the why did I fall out of love with my BS and why did I have the A, I have been to IC and hypnotherapy but am still unable to get to the why.

Any advice would be welcome.

isadora posted 4/1/2013 17:45 PM

maybe the focus should on why you gave yourself permission to cheat.

tired girl posted 4/1/2013 18:06 PM

I wouldn't look at why you fell out of love with your spouse. More than likely there was a fair amount of re writing that went on after you started crossing boundaries and you started making up reasons as to what was wrong with your M and your spouse and why you were entitled to do what you were doing.

As Isadora said, the better place to start is, why did you give yourself permission to cross boundaries and look at an affair as a viable thing to do. Why was this in any way ok with you to do to yourself and to your wife and to your M? That is the better why to start with.

BaxtersBFF posted 4/1/2013 22:13 PM

A long while ago a member posted his struggle with why. He just kept asking. Every question that he answered, he asked why again. Eventually it lead him to some very dark memories.

My situation dealt with intentionally not loving my BW. While I say that there was no thought of an A for many months during that period, an A did happen. And, I can also see that the wayward behaviors were there before I stopped loving my BW. Ultimately, the problem was communication, and we both had our issues with it.

So why do you think you fell out of love with your wife? What was going on at that time?

gfrich posted 4/2/2013 08:54 AM

Isadora and Tired Girl thank you for your thoughts and advice on this and i accept that i need to work on the why I crossed the boundaries and had the A, but I had fallen out of love with my wife 6 months before I had the affair. I have together with BS put in place boundaries to be aware of and prevent another A, but it is important for myself and BS to work out why I fell out of love with her so that we can put measures in place to prevent that happening again and thus giving us security in our relationship.

So why do you think you fell out of love with your wife? What was going on at that time

BBFF, this is my problem, I can't figure out why I fell out of love with my wife, it was 9 years ago and at the time I had been living on a different continent from home for 2 1/2 years for complicated work reasons (away for 6mths, home for 6 weeks...and so on) I was really anxious to be home with my family permanently, but once the transfer was arranged and I began making plans to move home I suddenly realised that I didn't want to go home, I enjoyed the single life... it was at that point that I feel like I fell out of love with my wife. I was home for 3 months when the EA began and 6 mths later the PA began.

I need to figure out why after 14 years of marriage I fell out of love with my wife.

My BS is very worried that it will happen again - one day i will just fall out of love again, for no particular reason, although I am totally in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I need to know why I did that so that I can put plans in place to stop it happening again.


silverhopes posted 4/2/2013 12:20 PM

I suddenly realised that I didn't want to go home, I enjoyed the single life... it was at that point that I feel like I fell out of love with my wife.

So it sounds like during that 2-1/2 year work situation, where you were home off-and-on, at some point when you were abroad, you began feeling single. Did you cross boundaries then as well? How did you act or feel married when you were away from home, or did you? Would you feel like a family man during the weeks you were home, and did you suddenly feel single when you were gone, or was it a gradual overall process of detachment? What else were you detaching from? You say you don't know, but this looks like a good place to begin digging.

It might help to treat these like separate but related questions: falling out of love with your wife, and choosing to have an affair. The affair is a separate question because, why an affair? Why not a separation or why not speaking up about your feelings? What allowed you to cross boundaries with the other woman in the first place and then spend nights of the week sleeping at her house instead of at home and lying about it?

Keep digging!

badchoice posted 4/2/2013 12:31 PM

"The affair is a separate question because, why an affair? Why not a separation or why not speaking up about your feelings?"

^^^yes this. Important to figure out why you chose an A over speaking up. Where else in your life, past or present, don't you speak up? When was the first time you remember not speaking up. Those are the questions my IC ask me about things that helps me reach the bottom, and a why.

Also, you say you fell out of love with your wife. That is a feeling. Why did you let that feeling rule the day, and not your commitment. Look there too. Where else are you ruled by your feelings and not your boundaries and commitments.

I find, that for me,that I found my reasons early in my process, but it took a lot of work to uncover the why. Does that make sense?

[This message edited by badchoice at 12:32 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

tired girl posted 4/2/2013 12:46 PM

you began feeling single.

Did you cross boundaries then as well? How did you act or feel married when you were away from home, or did you?

This is a really great question and I think if you really look at it you may see some answers here.

Also what badchoice says about you going with your feelings instead of going with your commitment is really good. As waywards we tend to be ruled by our FEELINGS, instead of learning that they come and go and we can be in control of ourselves regardless of what we are feeling.

gfrich posted 4/4/2013 01:45 AM

Thank you for your suggestions, I am going really try and dig deep to get to the why.

Did you cross boundaries then as well? How did you act or feel married when you were away from home, or did you?

No I did not cross the boundaries then at all. I will start with this question above, really dig deep and hopefully get to the why.

HardenMyHeart posted 4/4/2013 01:54 AM

You might find the following article helpful titled, 10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse by Shirly Glass:
http://www.ivillage.com/10-questions-ask-your-unfaithful-spouse/6-a-126599

Better yet, you might want to read one of the best book for understanding the pyschology of affairs titled, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:54 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]

gfrich posted 4/4/2013 05:12 AM

Thank you HMH, I will take a look at that website and I have read the book.

silverhopes posted 4/4/2013 12:19 PM

No I did not cross the boundaries then at all.

Crossing boundaries doesn't just mean talking to other women or flirting. It can also mean - did you start to feel single on the trip? Unattached? How so? If you said that by the time you were ready to go home you enjoyed the single life, then at some point in there it's probable that you felt single. When and how?

gfrich posted 4/8/2013 13:25 PM

It can also mean - did you start to feel single on the trip? Unattached? How so?


Thanks Silverhopes, you have given me another angle to look at this from

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