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FeelingSoMuch posted 4/1/2013 11:12 AM

We had a dishonest conversation on Friday. Since my wife's nine-month affair, she has told me that she wants to stay. She's here. But she has yet to say anything nice about me or to me unsolicited. After arguing about this on Thursday night -- I tried to show my pain and said things like 'you did this' we had a quick conversation on Friday morning.

She asked me if I wanted her to leave. I said, 'I think so.' She said OK and began to get dressed. I came clean and said, that no, I don't really want her to leave, that I said what I said to 'manipulate her' into fighting to stay. It was dishonest of me.

She continued getting dressed and said she was still leaving. She was brave and firm in her conviction and I suspected that she was thinking of contacting the OM.

She asked me to move out for the night and that starting the following day she was going to rent a room nearby. I agreed, but not before begging her to stay. As she left, I asked her to stay safe and to call if she needed.

She called me an hour later. I had asked for two hours to get ready to leave. She called and said she was lonely. Could I go and get her? I did. I brought her home. When we got home she said that she felt lost and alone and that before she called me she did call the OM, but he didn't pick up. She said she immediately realized it was a mistake and texted him not to call her back. She said she wanted to stop lying to me.

It hurts like hell that she didn't call me first. I hate that they still work together and she sees him every day.

I'm starting to lose hope. She refuses to ask management to put barriers between the two of them at work for fear of endangering her career.

I'm living in fear that the moment I make another mistake she'll go right back to him because he's so readily available. She used to say that wasn't going to happen, but it did.

We're in therapy and I don't know what else to do, other than ask her to stop all contact with him at work. It's hard to live like this.

callmecrazy posted 4/1/2013 11:35 AM

First, you are doing an amazing job on your end. When we, the BS, admit we are trying to manipulate to get a reaction, that shows our commitment to heal. You are not just expecting her to fix it alone. Bc we all know A takes 1 spouse but R takes 2. And it sounds like you are doing the best you can.
As for her working there...Can she look for a new job? If not, she MUST talk to management if change in position is possible. I couldnt handle that either, especially when its so obvious there is some real attachment there.
Has she done any form of NC letter...if so, she just ruined it by showing him she's not 100% into fixing things with you and misses his companionship (I dont mean that to be insensitive, I know that hurts you to hear bc you are trying).
Its your call, but obviously something needs to change...and IMO she needs to be in IC as well to sort out her feelings.

Best of luck.

confused615 posted 4/1/2013 12:07 PM

yeah...not buying it.

She didn't call you because she was lonely.

She didn't tell you she called OM because NOW she's decided to stop lying to you.

Im guessing she was worried that OM,or OM's BW might tell you she tried to call him,so she told you about the call just in case.

She called you because OM didn't want her...he rejected her...that's why she was suddenly lonely...that's why she called you.

Are you ok with being the back up plan?

You said it..you live in fear of saying or doing something that pisses her off...and she knows it...she has ALL the power.

Fuck that. YOU are the betrayed here. YOU are the victim of her actions. As long as you are afraid to piss her off,she will use that and manipulate you with it.

The marriage will not heal as long as you allow this.

Put your foot down. NO CONTACT. ANY more contact and she has to leave. Give her your requirements for R..and if she can't/won't meet them,then you aren't losing much..except a woman who has no respect for you.

toomanyregrets posted 4/1/2013 12:23 PM

I agree with confused.
She called the OM and he ended it.
Your now her "plan b" if you let her manipulate you.

Actions are the only things that count, words mean nothing, just like your marriage vows.

Happydays posted 4/1/2013 12:52 PM

Hmmm, she called OM first.
Then you.
Before he return calls and manipulates her, it is time to tell her your rules of R.
If she chooses to accept, start then and there itself with NC with OM.
Else ask her to leave and start 180.
If she is remorseful and regretful and genuinely wants to save the M, the reiterate the rules for R, on your terms. No buts.
If NC broken, see lawyer.

Brandon808 posted 4/1/2013 13:03 PM

She refuses to ask management to put barriers between the two of them at work for fear of endangering her career.

I'm living in fear that the moment I make another mistake she'll go right back to him because he's so readily available.

She isn't remorseful
Her actions have shown she is not putting you and the M first.

Diva0702 posted 4/1/2013 13:03 PM

Oh my. She has you exactly where she wants you. Second fiddle and back up in case it all goes wrong and she doesn't get her own way.

I agree with confused also. You are not getting the respect and effort you deserve to even begin recovery.

Lay down the rules. Mean it or she will use you until there is nothing left of you but a dried up husk of the person you used to be.

Have faith that you are worth more my lovely, and I wish you luck

[This message edited by Diva0702 at 1:09 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/1/2013 13:05 PM

She is in therapy. We go together once a week and on our own once a week.

My wife has a good job -- so do I. We're both proud of her job -- she worked years to get it. I don't want her to quit her job, but I do want her to approach management and ask them to place barriers between the two. Stuff like not being part of the same email groups. Ideally, I'd love for the OM to quit. But I don't see that happening. He was cheating on his live-in girlfriend during the affair, so I don't think much of his character.

As for my wife. I had always believed that she is the love of my life. If I lose her, I don't know if I'll regret it forever. At the same time, I need her to fight for me, too. And I'm so uncomfortable with them working together. She tells me she's slowly giving me the things I want. It's true, she gave me access to her passwords -- I didn't check until the phone call because if they want to communicate, he can just walk up to her desk.

Also, it's been a month-and-a-half of hell. I'm starting to ask myself if it's worth it when my wife isn't doing everything under the sun to rebuild the marriage.

confused615 posted 4/1/2013 13:25 PM

I can tell you this..as a BW,and a member of SI for the last 2 years..if she is not moving mountains to save this marriage...180,file,and go NC with her.

Filing doesn't mean you have to get a D...but it sure as Hell seems to wake up an unremorseful WS who has very few consequences...it also shows her you will not allow her to continue to shit on you..and she is shitting on you...all over you.

I mean..really??? She cheats and you're walking on eggshells around her?? Hon,where are your balls?

Have you posted on the Betrayed Men thread in the ICR forum? i think you would benefit greatly from posting there and getting advice from BH's like StillGoing,WAL,Shockleader,SLR,Tred,and well,pretty much most of them..lol. Not that you're not getting great advice here..because you are...but I think that thread can help you.

IIRC,you haven't told the OM's GF...please reconsider...your WW is walking around in her fog...the quickest way to get her out of that fog is to shine some light on her affair...and chances are..the OM will throw your WW under the bus in order to save his relationship...your WW needs for that to happen.

ETA: Here is the link to the BH thread in the ICR forum..

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=477326

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:28 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/1/2013 14:46 PM

Thanks for the link. Will post there instead.

About my hesitations, I usually handle things by thinking them through before acting. This is a big decision and my wife's actions (or lack of) are important factors in making a choice I won't regret.

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/1/2013 17:47 PM

Didn't love the betrayed husband thread. Too much talk about revenge. I'm not above that. I called the OM's girlfriend and outed him. Didn't do it for any noble reason, it was strictly revenge. After that I don't care to do anything that makes things worse. It's been a month and 12 days. I believe I'll wake up one morning and know whether to leave or stay. Then I'll just commit to that direction and try to erase from my mind the people left behind. I post here for two reasons. To vent and to read about other people's experiences. Everyone seems to go through about the same cycle of emotions. It helps to recognize the signs in my own struggling marriage.

And much like everybody else here, I wish I wasn't here.

flygirl96 posted 4/1/2013 18:50 PM

Sorry Feeling that you are in this horrible situation. My husband works in same building (same company) as xow. I use to hate it, and still do but I think now if he wants her he can have her. He knows what she is about and that she has no morals.

He calls me often and we are totally connected now. I trust him and know that it wasn't her that was special it was him that was broken and now he is fixed. He knows there is no next time!

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/11/2013 23:08 PM

That's exactly what happened, confused615. We had another fight (I felt baited), she left and called the OM. He told her he doesn't want to see her anymore because he's trying to make things work with his girlfriend. Who trusts a married woman who has a nine-month affair despite being with her guy for 12 years? I'm now asking myself if staying is the right thing to do.

stronger08 posted 4/12/2013 01:17 AM

Bro, you cant R with an unremorsefull WS. Period, end of story. Right now your problem is not you or how you feel about your WW. Of course you love her and want her to do the right thing. The problem here is her. She does not have any remorse. She is not doing whats needed to fix anything. Right now she knows that you will be there everytime she fucks up. Thats just fact bro. The problem with your approach is this. Cheaters get bolder with each thing they get away with. They feed off of your fear of losing them. You have become her doormat to walk over anytime she feels like it. You cant nice her into change. You cant change her period. She needs to do that herself. Until the day comes if it ever does that she has remorse thing will just get worse and worse. Unless you make a firm stand right now all I see is misery in your future. It might be a couple of months, perhaps a year or so. But trust me if you allow her to keep calling the shots another A is destined to happen. And when it does your hurt increases 2 fold. Best to draw a line in the sand now. Either she tows the line or you have to grow the balls to do what needs to be done. Its gonna hurt my friend. But the hurt is less then whats ahead of you. I think you know that deep down. Dont you ?

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/12/2013 04:13 AM

But she has yet to say anything nice about me or to me unsolicited.

Combine the above with your other post about her not wanting to say that he hates the OM and it starts to become clear.

You say in your profile that you think the world of your W, minus the affair. The problem is twofold. 1. you can't subtract the affair. 2. Your feelings for her don't appear to be mutual.

She still works with him. She calls him to rescue her and in the prospects betrays you AGAIN. He says no to her. She's apparently too embarrassed to get a hotel room for the night, so she calls you saying she's so confused. You open your door to the betrayer and want all to be well.

All is not well. A lack of remorse is an indicator of what? Running back to her lover's arms (or trying to, in this case) is an indication of what? Not saying anything nice about you and making you feel secure is an indication of what? Having a 9 month affair is an indication of what?

I'm afraid you're not seeing the reality. Asking your wife to reassure you and she can't do it. I feel for you. I experienced it too. It was the first time I realized that my xWW was not the person I thought she was. Like your wife, my xWW is smart. She could have done it, but didn't because she didn't feel what I wanted her to feel, including disgust at the OM. Sound familiar.

Open your eyes, and you will see the reality. It will hurt, but not more than the pain you feel right now.

Good luck.

Laura28 posted 4/12/2013 04:39 AM

Hi honey

Listen to strongerO8. He knows what he is talking about. He is 100% right. EVERYTHING he said is spot on.

AS for the boys down in BH I read there all the time. I like their attitude. Yes they are tough at times. Sometimes the testosterone is overwhelming but overall they get it. They are a great bunch and I know will help you. Please consider going back.

Rule No One: You CANNOT nice her out of her affair crap.

On dday I ordered my FWH out of the house. Repeatedly. For hours. He refused to go. I told him "Your whores may be willing to share you with me but I will NEVER (knowingly) share my man with another woman. Choose me or fuck off". And I MEANT EVERY WORD. He begged me to let him stay.

Honey the reality is that unless she REALLY wants you, REALLY wants to stay with you she is not worth having.

I will not be anyone's back up plan. Don't let her do this to you. You deserve more. You need to realise you are quite a catch, you are in the minority. The stats say that 60% of men cheat (yes I know - depends on who you listen to). But that makes you special.I KNOW there are lots of women out there who would love to have a man like you.

So. She chooses you. Only you. That's it. No discussion. No ifs or buts. YOU. Or tell her to leave.

HUGS honey

Laura

Edith posted 4/12/2013 09:10 AM

Hey FSM,

ask myself if it's worth it when my wife isn't doing everything under the sun to rebuild the marriage.

This ^^^^ stood out to me. You cannot fix this M by yourself.

Also, you could confirm or refute her story by checking the phone bill and see how long that call to OM lasted, whether he picked up or not. Knowledge is power. Take care.

E.

Take2 posted 4/12/2013 09:34 AM

ask myself if it's worth it when my wife isn't doing everything under the sun to rebuild the marriage.

Is she doing anything to rebuild it? She isn't supporting you emotionally (no compliments or acknowledgements of your better self). She isn't doing anything to change the work environment situation... You confess to saying you wanted to manipulate her by telling her to go -- and she goes and calls OM... She gave you passwords (but as you say she can communicate with him any day at work...) And she has you worried about making a mistake...?

FeelingSoMuch - if you don't value yourself - she won't, nobody will. We teach people how to treat us. This lesson I learned the hard way and it took a really long time, so please don't take it as a 2x4, more a 1x1. It sounds like you are in the BS fog.

tushnurse posted 4/12/2013 09:55 AM

Feeling,

I am sorry but the original post on this reads to me, and I've been here a long while, that she is still in A. She gave you passwords? Does she now have a secret email? Does she let you check her phone anywhere anytime? WITHOUT getting mad or frustrated?

She rented a place? Sounds like she was going to cakeeat, and something didn't work out.

Time to find your inner strength and lay down some ground rules of R and consequences. Be prepared to stick to your guns too.
Go see an attorney right now. Find out what your options are, and what to expect should R fall through the cracks, this gives many enormous strength when they realize they have the option of D without losing everything they have worked for.

Knowledge is Power!!!!

She made the horrible decision to do what she did. She doesn't get to make any more decisions about R. If she's in she's all in and does what you want, or she's done.

I think there is more going on than you realize too. Just from my own experience. I was a back up plan for a while as well. It's a bad thing to be, and will kill your self esteem. Don't allow that.

((((and strength))))

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/12/2013 15:31 PM

OK, I'm finally ready for the betrayed husband thread.

I have sent Facebook messages to the OM's mother and live-in girlfriend. I left him a message on his BlackBerry asking him to quit his job -- he works with my wife -- and a message at his work telling him to check his BlackBerry.

I want him to be as paranoid about communication as he made me.