She asked me if I wanted her to leave. I said, 'I think so.' She said OK and began to get dressed. I came clean and said, that no, I don't really want her to leave, that I said what I said to 'manipulate her' into fighting to stay. It was dishonest of me.
She continued getting dressed and said she was still leaving. She was brave and firm in her conviction and I suspected that she was thinking of contacting the OM.
She asked me to move out for the night and that starting the following day she was going to rent a room nearby. I agreed, but not before begging her to stay. As she left, I asked her to stay safe and to call if she needed.
She called me an hour later. I had asked for two hours to get ready to leave. She called and said she was lonely. Could I go and get her? I did. I brought her home. When we got home she said that she felt lost and alone and that before she called me she did call the OM, but he didn't pick up. She said she immediately realized it was a mistake and texted him not to call her back. She said she wanted to stop lying to me.
It hurts like hell that she didn't call me first. I hate that they still work together and she sees him every day.
I'm starting to lose hope. She refuses to ask management to put barriers between the two of them at work for fear of endangering her career.
I'm living in fear that the moment I make another mistake she'll go right back to him because he's so readily available. She used to say that wasn't going to happen, but it did.
We're in therapy and I don't know what else to do, other than ask her to stop all contact with him at work. It's hard to live like this.
Best of luck.
She didn't call you because she was lonely.
She didn't tell you she called OM because NOW she's decided to stop lying to you.
Im guessing she was worried that OM,or OM's BW might tell you she tried to call him,so she told you about the call just in case.
She called you because OM didn't want her...he rejected her...that's why she was suddenly lonely...that's why she called you.
Are you ok with being the back up plan?
You said it..you live in fear of saying or doing something that pisses her off...and she knows it...she has ALL the power.
Fuck that. YOU are the betrayed here. YOU are the victim of her actions. As long as you are afraid to piss her off,she will use that and manipulate you with it.
The marriage will not heal as long as you allow this.
Put your foot down. NO CONTACT. ANY more contact and she has to leave. Give her your requirements for R..and if she can't/won't meet them,then you aren't losing much..except a woman who has no respect for you.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Actions are the only things that count, words mean nothing, just like your marriage vows.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
She refuses to ask management to put barriers between the two of them at work for fear of endangering her career.
I'm living in fear that the moment I make another mistake she'll go right back to him because he's so readily available.
She isn't remorseful
Her actions have shown she is not putting you and the M first.
I agree with confused also. You are not getting the respect and effort you deserve to even begin recovery.
Lay down the rules. Mean it or she will use you until there is nothing left of you but a dried up husk of the person you used to be.
Have faith that you are worth more my lovely, and I wish you luck
[This message edited by Diva0702 at 1:09 PM, April 1st (Monday)]
My wife has a good job -- so do I. We're both proud of her job -- she worked years to get it. I don't want her to quit her job, but I do want her to approach management and ask them to place barriers between the two. Stuff like not being part of the same email groups. Ideally, I'd love for the OM to quit. But I don't see that happening. He was cheating on his live-in girlfriend during the affair, so I don't think much of his character.
As for my wife. I had always believed that she is the love of my life. If I lose her, I don't know if I'll regret it forever. At the same time, I need her to fight for me, too. And I'm so uncomfortable with them working together. She tells me she's slowly giving me the things I want. It's true, she gave me access to her passwords -- I didn't check until the phone call because if they want to communicate, he can just walk up to her desk.
Also, it's been a month-and-a-half of hell. I'm starting to ask myself if it's worth it when my wife isn't doing everything under the sun to rebuild the marriage.
Filing doesn't mean you have to get a D...but it sure as Hell seems to wake up an unremorseful WS who has very few consequences...it also shows her you will not allow her to continue to shit on you..and she is shitting on you...all over you.
I mean..really??? She cheats and you're walking on eggshells around her?? Hon,where are your balls?
Have you posted on the Betrayed Men thread in the ICR forum? i think you would benefit greatly from posting there and getting advice from BH's like StillGoing,WAL,Shockleader,SLR,Tred,and well,pretty much most of them..lol. Not that you're not getting great advice here..because you are...but I think that thread can help you.
IIRC,you haven't told the OM's GF...please reconsider...your WW is walking around in her fog...the quickest way to get her out of that fog is to shine some light on her affair...and chances are..the OM will throw your WW under the bus in order to save his relationship...your WW needs for that to happen.
ETA: Here is the link to the BH thread in the ICR forum..
[This message edited by confused615 at 1:28 PM, April 1st (Monday)]
About my hesitations, I usually handle things by thinking them through before acting. This is a big decision and my wife's actions (or lack of) are important factors in making a choice I won't regret.
And much like everybody else here, I wish I wasn't here.
He calls me often and we are totally connected now. I trust him and know that it wasn't her that was special it was him that was broken and now he is fixed. He knows there is no next time!
But she has yet to say anything nice about me or to me unsolicited.
Combine the above with your other post about her not wanting to say that he hates the OM and it starts to become clear.
You say in your profile that you think the world of your W, minus the affair. The problem is twofold. 1. you can't subtract the affair. 2. Your feelings for her don't appear to be mutual.
She still works with him. She calls him to rescue her and in the prospects betrays you AGAIN. He says no to her. She's apparently too embarrassed to get a hotel room for the night, so she calls you saying she's so confused. You open your door to the betrayer and want all to be well.
All is not well. A lack of remorse is an indicator of what? Running back to her lover's arms (or trying to, in this case) is an indication of what? Not saying anything nice about you and making you feel secure is an indication of what? Having a 9 month affair is an indication of what?
I'm afraid you're not seeing the reality. Asking your wife to reassure you and she can't do it. I feel for you. I experienced it too. It was the first time I realized that my xWW was not the person I thought she was. Like your wife, my xWW is smart. She could have done it, but didn't because she didn't feel what I wanted her to feel, including disgust at the OM. Sound familiar.
Open your eyes, and you will see the reality. It will hurt, but not more than the pain you feel right now.
Listen to strongerO8. He knows what he is talking about. He is 100% right. EVERYTHING he said is spot on.
AS for the boys down in BH I read there all the time. I like their attitude. Yes they are tough at times. Sometimes the testosterone is overwhelming but overall they get it. They are a great bunch and I know will help you. Please consider going back.
Rule No One: You CANNOT nice her out of her affair crap.
On dday I ordered my FWH out of the house. Repeatedly. For hours. He refused to go. I told him "Your whores may be willing to share you with me but I will NEVER (knowingly) share my man with another woman. Choose me or fuck off". And I MEANT EVERY WORD. He begged me to let him stay.
Honey the reality is that unless she REALLY wants you, REALLY wants to stay with you she is not worth having.
I will not be anyone's back up plan. Don't let her do this to you. You deserve more. You need to realise you are quite a catch, you are in the minority. The stats say that 60% of men cheat (yes I know - depends on who you listen to). But that makes you special.I KNOW there are lots of women out there who would love to have a man like you.
So. She chooses you. Only you. That's it. No discussion. No ifs or buts. YOU. Or tell her to leave.
ask myself if it's worth it when my wife isn't doing everything under the sun to rebuild the marriage.
This ^^^^ stood out to me. You cannot fix this M by yourself.
Also, you could confirm or refute her story by checking the phone bill and see how long that call to OM lasted, whether he picked up or not. Knowledge is power. Take care.
Is she doing anything to rebuild it? She isn't supporting you emotionally (no compliments or acknowledgements of your better self). She isn't doing anything to change the work environment situation... You confess to saying you wanted to manipulate her by telling her to go -- and she goes and calls OM... She gave you passwords (but as you say she can communicate with him any day at work...) And she has you worried about making a mistake...?
FeelingSoMuch - if you don't value yourself - she won't, nobody will. We teach people how to treat us. This lesson I learned the hard way and it took a really long time, so please don't take it as a 2x4, more a 1x1. It sounds like you are in the BS fog.
I am sorry but the original post on this reads to me, and I've been here a long while, that she is still in A. She gave you passwords? Does she now have a secret email? Does she let you check her phone anywhere anytime? WITHOUT getting mad or frustrated?
She rented a place? Sounds like she was going to cakeeat, and something didn't work out.
Time to find your inner strength and lay down some ground rules of R and consequences. Be prepared to stick to your guns too.
Go see an attorney right now. Find out what your options are, and what to expect should R fall through the cracks, this gives many enormous strength when they realize they have the option of D without losing everything they have worked for.
Knowledge is Power!!!!
She made the horrible decision to do what she did. She doesn't get to make any more decisions about R. If she's in she's all in and does what you want, or she's done.
I think there is more going on than you realize too. Just from my own experience. I was a back up plan for a while as well. It's a bad thing to be, and will kill your self esteem. Don't allow that.
I have sent Facebook messages to the OM's mother and live-in girlfriend. I left him a message on his BlackBerry asking him to quit his job -- he works with my wife -- and a message at his work telling him to check his BlackBerry.
I want him to be as paranoid about communication as he made me.