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abandonment

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unforgivable5 posted 4/1/2013 15:16 PM

So the one thing that comes up with me over and over is abandonment issues. My parents were divorced when I was a toddler, my father then remarried the OW and started a family of their own. At age 12 I quit going to visit him on his designated weekends and he didnt really call me and ask me to visit. I think I talked to him once when I was 16, then not again til I was 23. I also used to have a recurring dream that I was in a grocery store and I couldn't find my mom, and I run outside to see her car speeding out of the parking lot. Anyway, my mother remarried when I was 9 and had a son withmy stepfather. They always have treated me well, but I guess I have always felt like a step child to everybody. Then the 2 major relationships I had before my marriage (both about 2-3 yrs long) ended with me being cheated on. This is a short edited version of all of the shit in my head, but I wanted to talk to my IC tomorrow about some of this stuff. Anybody else relate?

badchoice posted 4/1/2013 16:23 PM

I can relate. It will be great to work with your IC on this.

My IC tells me that if we don't work on our past issues, we are doomed to repeat them. Working on this issue now, will be a huge step for you IMO.

My IC always asks me about my dreams, and what I can relate to them. I don't remember many of them, but when I can, I write them down, and discuss at my next IC session. Do you discuss your dreams with your IC?


In my case, not only did I figure out that I had abandonment issues, but also issues of trust. I had trust issues with my FOO, and also with relationships as a young adult, and even within my marriage. Some of it was based on me projecting my own issues of lying and leading a second hidden life from everyone in my life.

Good luck with this. I have found that these types of FOO really are at the core of the unhealthy coping skills that lead me to where I am.

solus sto posted 4/1/2013 18:08 PM

Both my ex and I have abandonment issues. Mine are mostly infidelity-related, though I do have some FOO stuff. And my ex has horrendous FOO stuff---and, I suspect, ending our marriage created more.

We both found the book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson to be helpful.

Some of the exercises can seem rather forced, especially at the beginning. (And some, I admit I didn't devote as much attention to as others.) Still, I had a few epiphanies while reading and doing the work.

unforgivable5 posted 4/2/2013 10:07 AM

Thanks for the book recommendation solus. I will put that on my must read list.(which is getting quite long). I had IC this morning and we really uncovered a lot about abandonment, things that I had not even thought about. And how it relates to conflict avoidance and trust, and so many other issues that I am overwhelmed by how screwed up I really must be.

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