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How much of love is a choice?

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WishingForLethe posted 4/2/2013 15:22 PM

My BS asked for D, and I find myself still deeply in love with him. Since this is inevitable, I have started some self protection- to try to consciously fall "out of love."

I know this choice is an element in having an A. A large part of many WSs allowing themselves to have an A comes from the justification that they don't love the BS anymore. Admittedly, much of this is history re-written after the A is discovered, but I think the WS convincing themselves they are no longer "in love" with the BS is partly a decision as they have decided to have the A already. Hand in hand with this is the decision the WS is "in love" with the AP. I know there is a strong chemical component, but I also think part of it is choice (even if it is unconscious choice).

Should the BS decide to R, I have seen them struggle with choosing to love the WS again. Yes, a lot is rebuilding trust, remorse, hard work etc- but first comes the choice to love.

How much of love driven by our minds and choices? Can it be so simple as committing your will to something?

NikkiD posted 4/2/2013 15:30 PM

BS here, I think the choice comes in what you do with that love.

Neithan posted 4/2/2013 15:38 PM

The heart wants what it wants. But you can choose the correct actions for the situation, and then eventually feelings will change.

My heart has been changed in this manner.

badchoice posted 4/2/2013 15:55 PM

I know what you are trying to do. I have told myself more than a few times that it would be easier if I could just hate my BS.

I have decided that I can still love my BS. It's not going to be the romantic love that I want, but I can love her through the D, respect her, treat her well, and be kind to her. I decided that I will model this for my boys to learn, and they will at least see that I love their mother as they grow.

Does that make sense? I knew that I couldn't make myself feel differently, so I just channeled it the best I could. I have seen it referred to as "detaching with love" in the CoDA program.

WishingForLethe posted 4/2/2013 16:02 PM

Just to be clear- I have no desire to hate him or ever treat him in a less than civil friendly manner. I hope in time we could be friends. Other than my children, he is the dearest person in the world to me.

However, I hate that I still love him and that my heart races every time I hear from him. I am usually more controlled than this. I want to turn this off.

As to "the heart wants what the heart wants" well my heart has no common sense and I don't want to follow it anymore.

I am trying a more businesslike approach to dealing with him. I have to get control of this. Otherwise, I have a horrible fear I will end up clinging to him and begging him not to go in some pathetic manner.

badchoice posted 4/2/2013 16:07 PM

I am not saying that yoU want to hate him. I apologize if that its how it sounded.

I think NC except for kids and finances will help you with this. BS and I have been separated for almost a year, and just over the last month or two have I really been able to realLy get over that heart fluttering feeling.

It hasn't been too long since you both decided on D right? Give yourself time.

[This message edited by badchoice at 4:32 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

WWMEH13 posted 4/2/2013 16:21 PM

Conversely, can you make yourself love someone, when you feel love no more?

WishingForLethe posted 4/2/2013 16:29 PM

badchoice- no worries, I was not upset. I just sometimes am not as clear in posts as it seems in my head.

WWMEH13- Maybe. Perhaps choosing to commit emotionally and to be vulnerable again leads back to love. I chose that but I completely understand why my BH did not. Maybe the choice is the first step- like jumping off a cliff. But after the devastation of an A, how could a BS feel safe enough to do this?

Jospehine85 posted 4/2/2013 16:30 PM

Very good questions WishingForLethe and WWMEH13.

These are things I have been mulling over in my mind quite a bit.

So tell me this: How do you define love? How do you define love for a partner vs any other family member or friend?

uncertainone posted 4/2/2013 16:39 PM

How much of love is a choice? Not much. Love is an emotion and feeling. How good are you at controling emotions and feelings. This site would not exist if we had that down. No one would choose to feel hurt or pain if they were nice little toggles. Rage, anger, would vanish as well.

You can act lovingly toward someone and not feel love for them at all but know how those actions will either achieve a goal or help another.

You can also make choices that are disasterous towards people you love that cause great pain depending on our state of mind and health as a person.

sailorgirl posted 4/3/2013 10:58 AM

How much of love driven by our minds and choices? Can it be so simple as committing your will to something?

Everyone is different, but in my reality, love is almost completely a choice. As far as BS's go, if they were truly compatible with their WS and the relationship was generally positive, the feelings of love can be resurrected. You look for the qualities you fell in love with, you spend lots of time together, have adventures together. You nurture your desire for the WS in whatever way works. You act in a loving way and it's like planting seeds. The love grows back.

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