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disappointed3 posted 4/2/2013 19:22 PM

Finally figured out how to unlock his phone while he was showering yesterday getting ready for work. Had trust issues but didn't know what I'd find. Was surprised to find incriminating texts between my husband and his former 3rd grade teacher. Sexual in nature with references to past sexual encounters. Background...this teacher discovered my husband was being physically abused at home as a child, called authorities and he was removed from the home. We've only been married 3 years. A couple years ago he looked her up to thank her. She's about 15 years his senior. My husband and I are from the same home town. Our families still live there. The OW still lives there. We now live in a tourist city and the OW was here with her girlfriend who is also a mutual friend of mine and my husband's. We all got together for lunch. That was his first meeting with her as an adult. Since then they've formed a friendship and she has confided in him about the abusive marriage she's been in for 30 years. That's what I understood their relationship to be. My husband and I had a baby 4 months ago. She sent a gift. When we were home visiting for the holidays he went to her house because she had Christmas gifts for the baby and my 2 older children from previous relationships. She and I are not friends but I did send.her a Facebook message asking for her address so I could send a thank you card. I'm utterly disgusted with the exchange that I read between the two of them that took place Easter Sunday, March 31... Needless to say my demeanor changed dramatically by the time my husband was out of the shower. He kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't bear to confront him. After much probing I told him to ask OW. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about and continued trying to get me to talk. I refused to say anything more about it. He went to work. I met with my pastor. When I got home with the baby he had just gotten home from work. I looked at him and walked by and straight to my bedroom. He went upstairs. I packed some things and then went upstairs to tell him I was taking off for a couple days. The baby's with me. The other two ages 18 & 11 are home. I plan on returning home tomorrow. He didn't try to stop me when I left. He texted last night saying goodnight and I love you. I texted this morning to let him know I withdrew $1000 from our checking and put it in a safe place. He asked how I was. I asked how he would feel if he were me. He said he would've talked to me before involving other people. I told him he knows what he's done and it is his turn to talk. Haven't heard from him again. Dreading coming face to face with him tomorrow. So many crazy emotions right now. Part of me wants to contact OW and tell her what a weak, pathetic person she is. Part of me wants to scream at him how dare he try to turn this around on me. He certainly didn't talk to me before getting involved with OW! Now I find myself a 41 year old with a baby looking once again at being a single mom. I quit my Jon to stay home with baby. What the hell am I going to do? I should let the kids finish out the school year. My oldest is graduating high school. If I move in with my parents... A 4 hour drive from here... I'll be living in the same small town as the OW!

sadtoo posted 4/2/2013 19:35 PM

Oh wow...

So sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

This is so sick. It's like you're suffering from infidelity, but your OW is like a child molester at the same time. Only removed by 15 years. Freaky.

I think you're doing the right thing by being criptic in the way you are dealing with your WH. Sometimes it's best not to show your hand early in the "game."

Hang in there. Others will be along soon to give you more advice.

Holly-Isis posted 4/2/2013 19:51 PM

(((((D3))))) I'm so sorry you had a reason to come looking for a place like SI but I'm glad you found us.

He said he would've talked to me before involving other people.

That just made me

I actually said "Holy f*ck" out loud.

You're right, he didn't ask you before adding a third person to your M.

The abusive BH- that's a common claim of OW.

Is your pastor supportive of whatever choice you make or only R? IME some pastors really don't get that infidelity is a deal breaker sometimes, and rightly so. There's a reason God compares marital infidelity to work shipping other gods (look at the whole book of Hosea for example).

Consult a lawyer and find out your rights. You might be able to make your WH leave. He certainly has not earned a place in your family. Even if you do decide to R, he needs to work on some deep seated issues from the sounds of it.

If you come from a small town, I'm sure your parents can make sure people know what a skank the OW is...but inform the BH first. Reality is a cruel wake up call to the APs.

brkn_heartd posted 4/2/2013 19:57 PM

You are doing the right thing in taking a little time for yourself. The good thing is that you do not have to make any decisions right now. I if you stay till your daughter graduates, that is ok too. Take care of yourself and your baby right now.

mysticpenguin posted 4/2/2013 20:12 PM

Oh my GOD. You should sell this as a script to the Lifetime Movie Channel!!! Former 3rd grade teacher?! YIPES!

I'm so sorry you found yourself here, and I think it's good that you took some time to think - it must be hard to be running after 3 kids while tying to think clearly in a traumatic moment like this.

Best of luck tomorrow (((hugs)))

disappointed3 posted 4/2/2013 20:23 PM

I'm new to all this. Wish I understood all the abbreviations. My pastor is not pushing me in either direction. He did point out that the Bible says infidelity is grounds for divorce but it is ultimately my decision. He also said I should not contact OW. I could easily ruin her life if I told her husband or the Catholic school where I believe she's still teaching. But how would that help me?

Chicky posted 4/2/2013 20:53 PM

You need to tell her husband immediately! If ypu can include evidence all the better but he needs to be told. Don't believe the crap about him being "abusive" because if he was truly abusive, she wouldn't dare risk getting her a** whipped for sleeping with another man. TELL HIM!

sadtoo posted 4/2/2013 21:03 PM

I agree about telling her husband. And remember, YOU are not ruining her life. SHE did that when she decided to jump in the sack with your husband.

The "abusive husband" line is right out of the cheaters handbook. I was in an abusive marriage and cheating would have been the LAST thing I would have done. And stay for 30 years? Nah, that would have been the 2nd to the last thing. This has LIE all over it.

Telling the other BS has nothing to do with revenge and everything to do with making sure the affair ends. It also puts things on an even playing field. How would you feel if all of this was going on and YOU were the only one who didn't know? He deserves to know.

It isn't the end of the world to start over. Sometimes it's a blessing. It may not seem like it now, I know. But better to start over with someone honest, faithful and wonderful rather than stay with someone who continues to lie, cheat and make you miserable.

Theradin posted 4/2/2013 21:04 PM

I can't imagine the amount of pain and disgust you must be feeling. We're here for you. It will be better. I promise. Whether or not that is with your WS or not.

disappointed3 posted 4/2/2013 21:35 PM

Thank you everyone for your support. This is the first time I've ever participated in any type of internet forum. I think this is helping. That said, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face and a cranky baby in my lap. How could he throw this all away?!! This is his only child. There's so much I love about him. Why???
My head is spinning...will he come clean? Will he show remorse? He wrote the most beautiful message in the anniversary card he gave me March 18. How can this be happening? Does he care enough to change?

brkn_heartd posted 4/2/2013 22:02 PM

I understand what you pastor was saying...however, one way to stop the affair is to out it. I did not and tremendously regret that. If you tell her husband then she has accountability to him. You would have liked to have known sooner I am sure.

If the affair is not outed, it gives it more opportunity to go underground. I do not believe reporting to employer does any good, but personal accountability does.

I am sorry you are going through the pain you are having. It is terrible.

newlysingle posted 4/2/2013 22:06 PM

((((disappointed3)))

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I also discovered that WH was having an affair 2 months ago when my youngest was only 4 months old. It was devastating to know that while I was home nursing and caring for a newborn he was off screwing OW.

I'm also a SAHM, so was terrified of how this would work. My WH wanted a divorce right away though. See, he lied to OW about being married so he wanted the fasted divorce possible. Now she knows about me and the kids, but is still with him. Only she says he has to get a divorce or she will leave him.

Anyway, in my case, I took advantage of the fact that he wants a fast divorce. He is paying through the nose. I asked him for 2/3 of his income for the next 5 years, his brand new paid for car, his air miles, 1/2 his 401k, etc. He's a dipshit and is going to be living off a small amount of money with his whore.

I don't know what to tell you since he might be willing to reconcile (if you are too of course). Make sure he pays though if he plans on leaving you or vice versa. Take advantage of him while he feels guilty.

Lots of hugs and thinking of you tonight.

jackson posted 4/2/2013 22:21 PM

You should inform the OW's BH ASAP. He needs to be able to protect himself from her A just as you need to protect yourself. All of you need to be tested for stds as there is no telling how many A she has been involved in. Do not make any immediate decisions on your M. There is no rush. Let the emotions settle down and then rational decisions can be made. Meanwhile take care of you and your child. The two of you take priority now.

Holly-Isis posted 4/2/2013 22:22 PM

Her BH should get to choose whether he wants to stay in a M with a WW or not.

If she works for a Catholic school, then her employers should also know so they can make the choice to retain her employment or not.

I taught and I can't imagine ever looking at a former student as a potential partner, M or single. The choice she made to commit adultery is very concerning

Does he care enough to change?

As my pastor said, the best chance of that happening is for a cheating spouse to have to face reality. That's outing the A to people like the employer and the BSs. It's being ready to file for D knowing it might wake him up to what he's throwing away or he might walk away.

Your WH may be an adult, but the OW's behavior feels predatory. It was still his choice, but the circumstances are disturbing.

I know I'm bouncing all over the place, but I just want to caution about relying on the pastor. Some pastors honestly don't know how to best deal with infidelity. Our first pastor in '99 told me I had to forgive and forget, never talk about the A again. Immediately and forever. A few moves and years later, my H has another A and I find out he lied the whole time about the extent of the 1A. Burying it under the rug and calling it forgiveness actually harmed our M. Our current pastor was a BH, so he understands not just from a Biblical aspect, but from a real world, how-do-you-deal-with-the-insanity aspect.

wanttogoforward posted 4/3/2013 11:02 AM

Let me get this straight.... his OW is a CATHOLIC school teacher and your pastor thinks her JOB is her biggest worry... the woman is having an affair with a former student... that is creepy and makes me worry for the other children in her care... if she'd cross those boundaries as a CATHOLIC woman who is supposed to be upstanding... then what else is she doing to those children or former students.... this is plain wrong.... her husband needs to be informed immediately... I'm not saying to call her employer.... YET.... but at the very least her husband needs to know! Then at some point depending on how things go her school may need to know... she works with children and could b doing inappropriate things with them....

Offhispedestal posted 4/3/2013 14:21 PM

out the other woman NOW, contacy her H, contact her Job. NIP it in the bud asap. Will he be mad?? Yes and it doesn't matter if he gets mad, if she contacts him in tears. This is what happens. These are a few of the consequences. I know you are afraid that this might make him angry, hate you or run to be with her. The dust will settle in time. The more you wait the longer it continues. I don't regret it one minute that I called her husband like a few hrs after my H confessed.
Did my H get angry ? Yes... Have me the silent treatment and acted like I was the one to fuck it all up.
But a few yrs later he says he totally understands and would have done the same thing!

Breathe. Get someone to watch your baby and call her job, call her husband. There is no reason why you need to tiptoe.
The only reason I would not out them is if he is a violent person or has hit you. I'm so sorry you are going through this!!!

disappointed3 posted 4/3/2013 17:15 PM

To wanttogoforward...I think you misunderstood...my pastor never mentioned OW job being a concern. I just think telling her job would be one way to

disappointed3 posted 4/3/2013 17:30 PM

To wanttogoforward...I think you misunderstood...my pastor never mentioned OW job being a concern. I just think telling her job would be one way to ruin her life.

After all the comments I have read I think I will contact her BH. Not sure how I should do it. I looked up their home phone number this morning but I'd really rather tell him in person. I could make the 4 hr drive this weekend.

But what do I say? I've never met this man before. Whether I call their house or show up at the door, how do I tell this stranger that his wife is sleeping with my husband?

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you all for your input. I can't believe how much this website is helping me. Only 2 days post DDay and I feel so much stronger and, surprisingly, I feel a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a long time.

Take2 posted 4/3/2013 18:38 PM

((disappointed3))

I agree with the others that the right thing, and the kind thing, to do is to tell the other BS. Be gentle and direct - tell him what you know.

Do you have copies or access to the texts now? Or perhaps a online phone record showing the number of texts...? Anything to offer the OW's BH? Proof is useful, especially if OW got a head's up from your WS, and prepped her BH to think you are crazy. This is typical. And for that reason do not tell your WH that you intend to inform OW's BH.

Now if you don't have proof - I'd still tell him. Two sets of BS's eyes on this is better than one. And even if he doesn't believe you - he'll be watching - and may have better access to communication.

I don't think you need to make a 4 hour drive with a baby to do it, or even to do it in person - totally your call, or maybe ask others here what they did or experienced with informing the other BS.

I'm really glad you found the site - it sucks to be alone when dealing with this.

((((disappointed3)))

[This message edited by Take2 at 6:39 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

daledge posted 4/3/2013 18:49 PM

I am feeling your pain! You should tell the other woman's husband. Call him, meet him.
I did it. It was wonderful. Very powerful. It will help keep the other woman busy for a while. Next, go to a lawyer and learn your rights. Then go find a good therapist. But talk to your husband when you feel ready. Don't worry that this is his only child. He didn't worry about that! It's just sick that it's this old bag he's with. My husband chose an older woman, too. Makes me laugh though. Don't jump immediately to divorce. Sounds like there are a lot of issues here. If you enlist the other spouse, let him handle her, you don't need to.
Good luck!

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