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As I sit here, and listen to my son cry, because he has sleep issues since my BH and I separated, I wonder if there truly is a special place in Hell for me, just as the BS of my AP said there is.

I have to believe that I can be a better person, and change, otherwise, I'll wallow here indefinitely and I don't want to keep making the same wrong choices.

When do you start to forgive yourself? I can't worry aboout anyone else forgiving me, until I figure out how to do that.

I hurt so many people, my child, my husband, my family, my friends, the AP's family, wife, and I know I can never make amends with all of them, but does it matter if I can't make amends with myself?

Today has just been crappy. I just want to stop hating myself, and focus on hating what I did, but how?

I disagree about the forgiving thing. You can graciously accept another's forgiveness for what it is. If they want to forgive you, I think it is your responsibility to respect that. If you don't feel worthy of it, should that be a reason to not respect that persons desire to forgive you?

Taking a step further, who is forgiving you? Is there a chance that they are far enough removed from your turmoil that they can see the changes being made? Maybe their words are an indication that you are making progress.

I guess what I meant is how can I expect anyone else to forgive me, if I can't even forgive myself?

I have made such a mess of everything, and disrupted so many lives.

How do you stop hating yourself and focus on what you did? You already took the first steps in realizing you needed to make a change in your thought process.

Start realizing that what you did was in fact part of who you were. Accept it but now move past that with accepting it and knowing you'll never make the same poor choices. Sure its part of who you were, but not who you ARE.

Hate the sin, not the sinner. Not trying to make this religious, I just know that's a huge thing which helped me heal.

Good luck to you and I hope your little one sleeps well soon. They will relax when you do.

Do you think forgiving yourself and feeling like you need to be punished are linked?

Past few days, I've thought that perhaps they are...

Trying - Probably.