Our family is 10 months into this "new world". 10 months of pain, hurt, discovery and a lot of hard gut wrenching work. Following DDAY and then full disclosure 3 weeks later of the destruction I caused, the journey began.
A journey that my wife didn't deserve to take. My wife survived the last 10 months. She preserved and maintained her high performance at a very demanding job. She held it together with our 5 year old daughter remaining top mom. She survived and thrived during a difficult pregnancy. She endured betrayal from close friends brought about by my destruction. She has faithfully gone to counseling every week.
Meanwhile inside she was dying a thousand deaths. She has struggled to make sense of the incomprehensible. We are less than two months away from the year anniversary of DDAY. We have also entered affair season. April 1st marked the start of the 2nd of two physical affairs. April May and June are sprinkled with painful dates that have forever changed our marital landscape.
I've learned a lot about myself over the last 10 months. For the better part of the last 30 years, I've been trapped in a " puzzle of life". The best way I can explain it is like this. My existence my life the last 30 years has consisted of the inner pieces of the puzzle. Failed relationships , No significant friendships, unhappiness in my adult work life. Fractured relationships with my parents, poor self care.
No ability to effectively communicate with my wife. Years of resentment built up due to my inability to face my own problems and deal with anything. Decades of compartmentalizing , shoving everything down deeper and deeper. I've was not able to experience any emotion in a healthy way. I lived a vulcan existence and was content to not feel anything.
I hit rock bottom and nearly lost everything. Through counseling reading and self awareness I've had to come to terms with who I became.
This is where the outside border of the puzzle comes into place. I have struggled for decades feeling something is horribly wrong with me. I wanted kill myself. I was a pathological liar and cycled in and out of depression for 30 years. I had a destructive addiction to porn and capped off things with a sexual addiction that resulted in multiple affairs.
Then I started to get the outside pieces of the puzzle,with counseling , intense addiction rehab and a new self awareness.
It was like someone flipped a switch in my brain. I snapped out of the reality that I have been living for decades. This was my new reality.
I discovered/uncovered horrible FOO issues, childhood sexual abuse. A childhood with exposure to porn and no nurturing. No good examples and no problem solving skills. Etc etc etc.
The puzzle was completed now that I had a understanding of how I got here.
Now I have to deal with the destruction that I have caused.
My wife suffered and endured a horrible childhood. Despite having to raise herself she made some very pivotal decisions in her life that saved her from going into hell with me and making bad choices.
She had good friends and she had her faith in "God". My wife did the rest. She has maintained a great job for almost twenty years. She has been a faithful and giving wife. She had been a awesome mother and a best friend to many. She has the heart of an angel and would do anything for anybody no matter what the circumstances.
So here we are 10 months into healing. My wife has endured enough pain before my problems came to the surface. She didn't deserve to help carry my burden..... But she has.
When I look back on my life I'm horrified and ashamed of the choices and decisions I've made. I never asked for help or was willing to step out if the reality that I escaped into.
I didn't not communicate my pain and issues. I continued to lie to everyone and started to believe my own lies.
I'm 40 years old and have learned more in the last 10months than I have in the previous 30 years.
I hated myself and thought everyone else did as well. I was not capable or willing "Do the work" I needed to do to stop the cycle of destruction.
Instead of looking to the person that cared about me the most in this world, I chose to build my self worth and self esteem up by pretending to be something that I was not.
I was not aware of what sexual addiction was, I think even if I did I would not make the connection to my own actions.
I distanced myself from true intimacy with my wife and emotionally disconnected from everyone and everything. Feeling for me, experiencing anything but numbness was my life.
I was a living breathing Emotionless zombie. I did not look for help with what I was feeling or experiencing.
I didn't consider or was capable of fathoming the damage that I caused by not facing the reality of what I was doing to destroy my wife and the world we live in.
Instead I chose to solve my problems and numb my pain and hopelessness with creating more pain.
I was terrified and ashamed of what I've I'd become , but Chose my addiction over over healthy emotion and action.
I decided to share myself and more lies with women who were just as broken as me.
These women were not more attractive than my wife. They weren't not smarter or more successful .
I had nothing in common with these women besides dysfunction.
These women had no boundaries no morals or integrity.
They were willing to destroy their marriages and disrespect their husbands and family.
These women were willing to spread their legs with anyone despite the risks.
These women were not trustworthy and ultimately didn't care who's life was destroyed in the process.
I shared the same qualities or lack there of with these women. I shared with them my own personal hell. A hell I was afraid to share with the people who really cared about me.
My wife is none of these things.... Even in her darkest days, my wife remained true to who she was. Even after the pain I caused her and damage I've done she remained true.
My wife is a complete package and should be treated like a queen. With that being said she didn't deserve to be in the place she's in.
I take everyday one day at a time. I learned a lifetime of information about myself.
I also saw the damage and destruction I caused my wife and my family.
I hate the person I was and what I was capable of doing. I cannot change or take back the choices I've made.
I have been giving a second chance to be reborn. I still have have a lot that I need to do to heal and protect this wound.
I have completely changed the man was inside out. I don't resemble or relate to the person I was.
Yet I still have a lot to learn. The further along I get in this process the harder the work is. I'm a much better communicator than I ever was, but I still have a ton of growth in that area that needs to be done.
I have 30 years of damage and destruction that I'm clearing out of the way. Almost every part of me needed to be changed. The simplest task was completely overwhelming for me and simple communication of thoughts and feelings was paralyzing.
So I keep moving forward. Hoping that I can help my wife understand why I destroyed my life and hers. I hope healing can continue to happen.
We have been together for almost twenty years. I can't imagine a life without her in it as my wife.
Selfish as that sounds considering the pain I've caused, I want what I've been running away from.
I never hated or despised my wife. My wife gave me every part of herself and trusted me implicitly.
I despised myself and hate the person I was and who I became. I just had convinced myself that everyone else did as well. I defined my self worth and esteem from others. I lived and functioned in the world I created from the composite if what I though people thought of me.
I love my wife and hope that someday we can be whole again.
I will continue to work and show her my commitment to being the husband , father and spiritual leader that I promised her I would be.
In the past these words would be hollow and have no substance behind them.
I will hold myself accountable and follow through to stop the cycle of dysfunction.
I love my wife and she didn't deserve this.
She deserves to be happy.