(all in the dream) I was at this big party with some girl friends, very laid back kind of gathering, and we were sitting on the floor between the entrance and stage chatting, waiting for the band to go on. Kindof a coffee shop vibe. Xh and ow walk in. She's always been a total ice queen and in the dream is no different. She stalks in glaring straight ahead. Xh follows like a meek puppy. Then he sees me. His face lights up and we make eye contact and he waves. I start to wave, fake out and flip him off and yell "fuck you, worthless cheater" and you can literally see pain and confusion roll across his face. He runs off looking stormy and follows ow around a corner so we can no longer see them.
But then they start yelling, mostly him yelling at her, I forget all what, but about how everything is her fault and what she has done wrong. The room (like 50 people) goes silent. Everyone is listening to their fight. Finally ow storms off past us, out the door. Xh comes running after her, and stands in the doorway yelling her name, "come back", but she goes.
Xh then proceeds to come back inside and lay down on the floor on his stomach facing me. He doesn't look at me, just lays there looking lost and sad and broken. The whole place is still stone silent and everyone is looking around like "what are we supposed to do?" And finally I look at xh and say "seriously? You're going to let her just walk away? Without a fight? What's wrong with you? She was worth leaving me for, you've been together more than two years, you must love her, and she walks out and all you can do is lay there? What's wrong with you? Go after her! Go fix it!" And everyone is cheering and he gets up looking all excited and starts for the door, and turns around to smile at me, and then I say, "one more thing" and he looks all excited, and I say "dont ever show up at another party where I am again. Ever." in an angry voice full of venom. And his face fell again a little but he goes out the door.
And then everybody in the room started clapping and cheering for me, and then I woke up.
For those unfamiliar with my story, XH moved out because we got in a fight when I, a seriously cpdependent qisa, put my foot down on a boundary about always being last priority in his life. He told our friends that I was mean to him. I found out about the A (and that he was staying with ow, not his middle aged male coworker as he'd said) three days later.
The conversation where he confessed the A was the last real conversation we had. He went silent after that, blocking me on gchat, rejecting my phone calls, ignoring texts and emails. We got together with a neutral third party at our (now my) church to hash out a separation of our property and the details of him moving out. We were there almost an hour and didn't make eye contact once. His stuff was moved out for him by my friends. He didn't come to court.
I haven't seen or interacted with him, really, in two years. He just walked out and gave up on us,despite my repeated requests that he do otherwise. So its kind of funny to me that he was the same way with her in the dream, too lazy to do the work.
I've been experiencing a heightened awareness f my cpdependent tendencies recently, and struggling with the effects of those, situations I place myself in, despite knowing I'm going to get hurt, and then getting hurt anyway. Essentially self inflicting that pain. I think its finally time to dig deep on this one. I'm tired of finding reasons to cry myself to sleep, and the wonky dreams that follow.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
I think the meaning of the dream is that you wish you had the chance for closure that you didn't get. When you tell him to go fix things with OW you are really telling him that he should have tried to fixed things with you. But at the last minute his true self shows through to show you the vial person he is.
Didn't you say you recently were looking over old mementos or journals from the marriage? This could have stirred up feeling of resentment.
Yesterday was the antiversary of DDay. Easter Sunday was 2 years since he moved out.
Anyway, that's what I see here...your caretaker codependent tendencies helping out your helpless ex one last time. And your subconcious must know this is the last time by the last thing you said to him.
And all the people in the coffee house...yeah, that's all your SI peeps. I was the one back in the corner, shaking my head and saying, "FTG."
Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16
And all the people in the coffee house...yeah, that's all your SI peeps.
I "get" co-dependency, but I often wonder if it can be confused with certain personality types too. In Myers-Briggs, I am an ISFJ, a nurturer. It is innate in me to take care of other people. Does that automatically make me co-dependent, or does that make me a nice person who bent over backwards to make my marriage work?
I find as I'm getting older, I don't allow people in my life that "use" me. I have little tolerance for selfish and immature people and I'm better about...well...just not allowing them in my life. I have better boundaries. I honestly think it has more to do with age and maturity than anything. I feel more secure with who I am now than I ever have. I make no apologies for my personality, because I know that it is overwhelmingly good. I still bend over for people and take care of them, but only the select few that will do it back.
So, don't beat yourself up, Ama. You are who you are, and you are pretty awesome. All we can do is accept our faults and work at making them better. But, we do have to accept ourselves. I can't say I really was able to do this...until I left my marriage and stood on my own two feet.
I have learned to take care of myself, emotionally. I have learned I need down-time, to take a step back, and be careful who I let into "my circle". My IC warned me that since I am a nurturer, I can over give to people. I have learned to protect myself....but it came with age and acceptance.
I have regular nightmares about my ex. In every one of them, he is manipulating me, gas lighting, being sweet to my face, betraying me behind my back.
It sucks to work so hard on moving on, building a new life, and then to have these dreams. To say they are upsetting doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sorry. :(
I hope it's just rested to the antiversary and that you won't be tortured by any more of these dreams.
it also seems to me that you are processing out the wtf's. it reads like a parallel but with your acceptance at the end. that doesn't mean all the anger or sorrow is gone, but it's going. his power over your feelings, and what his abandonment did to you are faded or fading. the shock and confusion are worn or wearing off, and you don't really care about the answers to the wtfs anymore.
i think you told him to go chase her because he should have chased you back then...but also that in your own dream mind, you see how pathetic and ineffective he is when things get the slightest bit hard. he still needs a woman to tell him what to do, how to live. in the dream, he also validated you when he wanted a happy wave back and you surprised him with the fakeout and finger.
i believe you also practiced the feelings and actions of what it would be like if he showed up for sympathy and "friendship" all of a sudden, or to try to get you back. all of it can give you confidence.
science believes that our dreams are designed to help us practice for how we would deal with really shitty or threatening situations. yours wasn't truly a nightmare because you saw that you could handle yourself on your own quite well, even in the triggeriest of moments.
it's also a sign that are keenly aware of who has your back and that you have all kinds of positive support in your coffee shop.
and yeah, i want to know too. who was the band? who would you want it to be?
my two cents
[This message edited by stretch13 at 6:23 AM, April 5th (Friday)]
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac