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EmotionalFool posted 4/4/2013 05:46 AM

I felt like taking a break .. My friend (who knows) is alone this weekend at her home and I told her I feel like visiting her. She got all excited and we started planning about all the shopping and stuff. It did lift my mood and I started looking forward to the weekend. I asked CL and he said ok.

Now here is the catch… I feel wrong leaving CL behind. I feel guilty for having a good time without him. Should I take a break or not? Is it ok if I end up having a good time?

I had a similar discussion in IC today. I feel guilty if I have a good time when my loved one is suffering. She questioned me how exactly do I help by being miserable? Well I don’t. But all this is very confusing.

Card posted 4/4/2013 06:35 AM

It all sounds pretty manipulative to me.

Made independent plans,,,,, and then asked what your H thought. IMO, that's backwards.
I always ask my wife's thoughts before I even entertain making plans. Pre-A I did what you're doing now. I wouldn't even consider doing it that way today, it's disrespectful.

As far as taking a break?
A break from what? Reality? Recovery? What exactly do you need a break from? Being married? Wasn't having an affair enough of a break?

When I need a break, I make sure I takk the break WITH my wife. My best times/good times needed to be invested in the marriage.

Just my .02

floridaredman posted 4/4/2013 07:05 AM

sometimes ok doesn't really mean ok.
CL seems to be a very giving person and after all that he has been through he still cares for you.
Maybe you feel guilty because you know deep down you're being selfish.
There's nothing wrong in taking a break..I agree with Card though..you should have asked first instead of making the plans then asking CL. If he said no..your friend could think CL was being a jerk, seeing you already made plans.

It also looks like you are trying to escape from the situation that was caused by you.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:07 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 4/4/2013 07:59 AM

Could CL go with you? Getting out of the daily routine, but doing it together, could be very refreshing. You could still hang with your friend. Maybe if CL were there you guys could do some guy shopping too.

I think that a person does need to take breaks. How you go about taking breaks is something that requires a bit more thought now than it used to.

heforgotme posted 4/4/2013 08:50 AM

I feel wrong leaving CL behind. I feel guilty for having a good time without him.

I think you should trust your feelings.

uncertainone posted 4/4/2013 10:14 AM

EF, you're doing exactly the same thing you used to do. Do what you wanted to do THEN told CL...or , "asked", as you put it.

There is no "breaks" for fixing this shit. You need to use healthy processes every day. It's fine to want to see your friend. Why didn't you talk to CL about spending time with her BEFORE you had any conversation with her? If you sensed he was uncomfortable in any way you could have made your decision right then and nothing further needed to be said.

You don't get passes to slide backwards. Forwards or quit and quitting isn't an option, right?

EmotionalFool posted 4/4/2013 10:19 AM

Ok.. just to clarify .. The moment I started talking to my friend and there was even a slight possibility of making a plan... I pinged CL immediately and told him this is the discussion that is going on and if its ok with him if I go.

I did not make the plan and ask him. I asked him first and then made the plan.

I was feeling very down and asked her if she was free to chat. I told her I feel like seeing her. She stays in a different country and visits her husband every weekend. (They are apart bcz of work) SO there was a far possibility that it would work out. But then she said she was free. So I asked CL, my friend is free and it looks like I can visit her. When he said ok, then only I confirmed and checked tickets.

Yes.. quitting is not an option. But I am falling apart and I could really use some break.

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 10:27 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]

uncertainone posted 4/4/2013 10:27 AM

That's not what you stated in your first post and asking at the time you had her on the phone isn't cool.

You can spin it however you want. It's not ok. You even stated you're the one that brought it up to your friend. You could have talked to CL THEN called her back to suggest it and see if it was a possibility.

Remember, you're not in a marriage where there's trust and consistency as a solid foundation. You're in a marriage hanging by a string because of your choices. Fine china gets better care. Come on, EF. You know this.

floridaredman posted 4/4/2013 10:43 AM

Yes.. quitting is not an option. But I am falling apart and I could really use some break.

What about CL, don't you think he has fallen apart too?

It takes a lot more than you are giving to fix this EF, reconciliation is hard work.
It takes a lot of introspection and facing personal demons. It also takes looking at the mess you made and be willing to clean it up, no matter how disgusting it looks.

I guarantee you if you go see this friend, even though CL said it was ok..it will not be looked upon favorably down the road.

tired girl posted 4/4/2013 10:57 AM

I was feeling very down and asked her if she was free to chat. I told her I feel like seeing her.

You knew when you started chatting with her that this was where you were going to go with the discussion. That is why we are saying it should have been discussed with CL first. You should have told him before even chatting with her that you wanted to go see her whether she was going to be free or not. Then he could have been free to say no at that point, before any discussion with her took place.

You say you are falling apart and need this, so is this a normal coping mechanism, I feel horrible, I need to run away from things?

bluecali posted 4/4/2013 11:00 AM

I think it's fine for you to take a break. CL may need a break, too. Assuming that you're going, stay in close touch while you're gone (unless he doesn't want you to).

Faithful w/Love posted 4/4/2013 11:04 AM

No stop sign!
BW here.

I understand you need a break, I really do and sometimes we need a break also BUT, we should be the ones to suggest it. Why... because we are the ones that had the life sucked out of us, this was out of our control with wh's A's.
You want to keep your marriage in tact as it is now and it is rocky, I would not go. It will come back because if he starts to wonder if you really are where you say you are... The things and thoughts that go through our minds can trigger and that can blow up and not in your favor.

CL, may say yes because he doesn't want to look like a chump to you or your girlfriend. But, trust me he isn't liking it one bit deep down, and he could just be coving his feelings.

I think what the other people posted is SO on target.

You brought this into your lifes and now YOU need a break? Honey, this is hard on everyone but the one you hurt is standing strong by you trying. And that is alot for a male BS to do in my opinon. Most don't. Count your blessing. He should be the most important person to you right now and always.

badchoice posted 4/4/2013 12:23 PM

I pinged CL immediately and told him this is the discussion that is going on and if its ok with him if I go.

I think you put CL is a really bad spot. You kinda forced him to make the decision for you, and if he said no, he would have been the bad guy. You might not have felt that way, but that might have been how CL saw it/sees it.

Were you thinking of yourself, or of CL (or as both of you as a couple) when you came up with this plan?

The fact that you are asking this question means you should trust your gut on this IMO.

wifehad5 posted 4/4/2013 12:50 PM

From what I recall, CL has talked about needing a break a time or two also. I think if you have a really honest conversation about this, and you both share your feelings and misgivings, this could be a good thing. Just make sure you're both being honest with each other.

caspers1wish posted 4/4/2013 13:19 PM

Holy cow. Even aside from infidelity, spouses need breaks from each other. If CL has said it was ok, you're not a mind reader. Unless this is some sort of passive aggressive test that you are being set up to fail at, who knows.

The thoughts you are having about feeling guilty having fun away from CL, or needing a break even for the weekend, which I think is completely normal and fine when both parties agree to it. But you should be talking with CL about it. Like, more than a sentence or two...during that conversation you could be forming a game plan together on how you will handle being apart. You could be reassuring each other, talk about each other's fears and alleviating a lot of false notions that go around in only one person's head when it's not voiced. I see this a lot with you both. Because if this is a test, "I told her she could go, but I really don't want her to go and she just doesn't get it..." by talking all this out, you could be showing you get it. You would know if he really thinks a break is beneficial or not.

inshockandhurt posted 4/4/2013 16:34 PM

Holy cow. Even aside from infidelity, spouses need breaks from each other. If CL has said it was ok, you're not a mind reader. Unless this is some sort of passive aggressive test that you are being set up to fail at, who knows.

The thoughts you are having about feeling guilty having fun away from CL, or needing a break even for the weekend, which I think is completely normal and fine when both parties agree to it. But you should be talking with CL about it. Like, more than a sentence or two...during that conversation you could be forming a game plan together on how you will handle being apart. You could be reassuring each other, talk about each other's fears and alleviating a lot of false notions that go around in only one person's head when it's not voiced. I see this a lot with you both. Because if this is a test, "I told her she could go, but I really don't want her to go and she just doesn't get it..." by talking all this out, you could be showing you get it. You would know if he really thinks a break is beneficial or not.

Firmly seconded. You need to talk to your husband and find out the truth. If you are feeling guilty maybe there is a reason. Maybe he gave you a sad look that you knew meant he wasn't really ok with it. But if the truth is that he really is ok, then as long as you stay in close contact I don't see a problem.

MissesJai posted 4/4/2013 17:58 PM

what caspers said +1. Talk to him.

EmotionalFool posted 4/5/2013 05:31 AM

Well.. I am not going.

The reason I was feeling guilty: he was raging yesterday morning. I was exhausted. I just needed to go away somewhere. But also I knew that he must be hoping to not have this happened. Gosh it made me all the more guilty.
Whenever he is raging, he doesn’t want me around. He doesn’t want me to hold him. Doesn’t want me to talk to him. Gosh.. I feel so helpless when he rages.. I just wanted to run away for couple of days.

Some of the issues which led to the As- “” I don’t like feeling helpless So I control, I feel over-responsible for somebody’s pain, I carry somebody’s pain”.
These are the exact feelings I have right now and I am so clueless how to deal with it. I would never consciously control CL. In fact the reason I came out of the fog was when I realized I was controlling him. Now all my energy goes in just identifying my reactions and not to control/manipulate him.

But at the same time I feel so insecure. So helpless. CL was my greatest support and strength. Now its almost like I m learning to walk for the first time without him. Its difficult to see him in so much of pain. I just want him to be fine. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in April.

I miss him and us

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