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My DS graduates HS the week after memorial day.

My X will be coming over for graduation. I will be having a dinner/bbq to celebrate. My XMIL may join us as well. I'm fine with all that.

I have reason to think that OW may be planning on joining X.

My SO of course will be around for most of the related festivities. When my parents (divorced) attend family events their respective spouses come too.

I will not allow OW in my home. I won't spend time with her if it is even remotely avoidable. She and DS have only met 2X so they are not close. Should I pre-emptively remind my X of this to avoid any unnecessary drama? Or should I just see what happens. I hate for him to know that she takes up ANY head space of mine at all.

I would definitely remind the X before hand. I just think it's too important to leave to chance.

Oh, absolutely!

Give him the heads up now.

AJ's MOM

Absolutely make sure you remind him before the event. Do you really want to deal with that on graduation day if it is avoidable?

Try to make graduation day as stress-free as possible.

My youngest DS graduated college during the D. We had a reception at his house in the college town. It was so hard and I tried to be so strong and ok for my son. He didn't ask for any of this.

If XWH would have brought OW, I think there might have been bloodshed. There is no way I could have tolerated that. But he KNEW better.

So all I had to deal with was him and his "need" to take a family picture with our son. It is the absolute worst picture of us ever taken. The looks on our faces told the whole story.

My son and I actually laugh about it now, but at the time it was awful.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

I'm absolutely fine with all of it except the possible presence of OW. I don't mind seeing X or xMIL.

My X has pathologically avoided meeting SO. I'm not sure why. I'm afraid that he will bring OW b/c my SO will be here.

Truth is that I could survive OK if she showed up but I really really really don't want her to. I would undoubtedly have a glass of wine and then say something snarky to her.

Dont be afraid of your X bringing OW to your home. Even if he is stupid enough to do it, its YOUR home and you have final say over who is welcome.
I think they'll both avoid the possibility being embarrassed by a none-too-friendly escort to the door...with lots of witnesses.

Don't just speak up beforehand, remind your X what the point of the day is. Since it's supposed to be about DS ... and DS doesn't know OW ... wouldn't it be inappropriate to make *him* uncomfortable?

Nope,I would definitely remind him that my house is a NSZ...No Skank Zone. If he says he brings her or doesn't come, remind him to send a card to DS then, as DS will miss him.

If she comes without your permission and won't leave that's trespassing. You could possibly have her forcefully removed. I know that would cause serious drama but I wouldn't want the OW at my house.

I would tell the x before hand too. If the skank shows up anyway, I would politely go up to her and in a very calm voice tell her she needs to leave,.... NOW!! I would also follow that up with, you are not welcome here, you are trespassing and you have exactly 2 seconds to get yourself back in the car and leave before I make a call on this, and pull out the cellphone for her to see. Then I would start counting and start dialing! I would also walk to the back of the car while dialing so that I could give the dispatch not only the make and model of the car, but the license number as well. (Not sure that is really necessary, but the effect is HUGE!! Trust me on this one.) Remember to stay calm throughout the entire process. That adds to the effect. Drama or not, your house, your rules. Skanks are not allowed!

[This message edited by broken2 at 12:39 PM, April 5th (Friday)]

Ditto what everyone else said. You can't control the OW's presence at public events or with people you care about, but you absolutely can control her presence in your private life.

I would also make good with a phone call to the police if she shows and doesn't immediately leave when asked. She needs to see how deadly serious you are about the fact that she's not the least bit welcome in your life.

Your house, your rules. If you are truly okay with it, and your DS wants her there, then I would say leave it be. Otherwise, tell X ahead of time. No sense in you and your son being uncomfortable on his big day.

In SC we have "notice of no trespass" which would work great in this case.

IF your state has this (you can just call the sherrif or police dept non emergency # to ask)... anyway, you send a letter which states I am hereby notifying you that you _______ are not allowed on my property and IF you try to approach my property I will call the police on you. Then you send it certified mail.

You can give your MIL a heads up, and your XH if you want AFTER the OW signs for the certified letter. Then, you can tell them in a businesslike way that the day is for your son and you are heading off any trouble but that they are welcomed to attend.