SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

burnedcanuckEMS posted 4/4/2013 16:36 PM

FML. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this shit called my life. I flew through my divorce, had lots of counselling and met a new guy. Well new guy is from Europe but lives in Canada , we have been dating for about six months and he has professed his love to me over and over. Fast forward to today. He is in Europe on a month's vacation and has been gone a week. I haven't heard from him at all. Red flags went up and so I snooped in his car which he left at my apartment. I found fucking documents applying for a visitors visa for his WIFE and SON over there. I had seen pictures of this girl and he always maintained it was his sister and nephew. Now I know the truth and it really fucking hurts. I let myself be vulnerable and gave love a chance and this is where it got me. Now his shit is at my house and I have tried emailing, facebooking and skype messaging him saying I know his secret and he needs to let me know what to do with his stuff. What a fiasco. I can't trust anyone in this world and I really fucked up my life all I have ever wanted is a family and all I got was a cheating husband and married boyfriend. This sucks.

CheaterMagnet posted 4/4/2013 16:41 PM

I want to be very gentle here because I can tell you are hurting. But, you can't have had lots of counseling if your DDay was only 10 months ago and your D was only final 4 months ago!

There is a very good chance that you have moved on too quickly here and that may have contributed to your missing some red flags.

In any case, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back into counseling to deal with this new trauma.

One after effect of this trauma is that often times our "picker" gets broken. And we continue to be attracted to broken people. We need to make sure to spend enough time healing ourselves so that we can "fix the picker" and seek out healthy relationships.

Of course, that's no guarantee either since I'm right back here too.

((HUGS)) to you. This sucks.

HurtsButImOK posted 4/4/2013 16:43 PM

((((burnedcanuckEMS))))

So sorry you are going through this, FTG. Hefty bag his shit and put it on the porch.

Healing mojo and more hugs heading your way.

MyVoice posted 4/4/2013 16:44 PM

Oh I am sooo sorry what a PIG! How do people treat others like this. I'm sending you love and hugs, be strong xxxx

somer222 posted 4/4/2013 19:38 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Toss his crap in garbage bags and leave it to be picked up by the trash collector.

I hope you're feeling better soon. This has NOTHING to do with you. People who do things like he has done have a serious character defect and possibly a serious personality disorder.

Don't have any contact with him. I'd recommend looking at the website www.lovefraud.com. He's a fraud, sweetie.

Big hugs.

HappilyUnMarried posted 4/4/2013 23:03 PM

I'm sorry. I agree with the other posters that you are just to raw to see clearly. I think it takes a couple of years post-D to even be in a place to have a relationship.

It happened to me too. I dated a guy for a few months and failed to see the obvious red flags until his live-in girlfriend of 2 years confronted me telling me who she is and that he was scum. I was so blindsided! Me, the BW an OW?

It was just like the other posted stated... My picker was broken! It took 3 years of living alone, dating a little and regaining my life until I finally knew what I want; and saw clearly what I didn't want.

That awful annoying word... TIME.

Take a break. Take care of you for a while! There are many broken people in this world. Until you pick up your own pieces you will only attract other broken people.

osxgirl posted 4/5/2013 05:43 AM

I agree with Somer about what to do with the stuff.

Face it, you don't need to see him again, so you really don't want him coming to pick up his stuff. Just throw it out, send him an e-mail that he doesn't need to come get anything, because there is nothing left for him at your place, and that he is not to contact you again.

Then lose all his contact info, and work on healing yourself.

Pass posted 4/5/2013 09:23 AM

He did this to you. It's not your fault.

Put all his shit in his car, and lock the keys in it. Send him one last message saying you've done that and don't want to hear from him again.

This sucks.

better4me posted 4/5/2013 11:24 AM

Hope today is a better day. Hope you have had a good night's sleep and can see things a little differently this morning.

And now that you know you can have a re-set button, decide what you need to do for YOU. you can go on with YOUR life even with this new knowledge. Take time to heal. Take time to nurture yourself. Rest, drink plenty of fluids, exercise and breathe. Talk to an IC or to friends. No matter how much it hurts, knowing is better than not knowing.

He can rot in hell...go NC

osxgirl posted 4/5/2013 11:59 AM

pass -

That's perfect.... assuming she has a cat pee on everything first!

Griefstricken25 posted 4/5/2013 12:34 PM

Put all his stuff in his car and be done with him. 100% NC!

I also think you probably need more counselling. It's been less than a year since your d-day! I wish you all the best in your healing.

Ellejay posted 4/5/2013 13:35 PM

What a complete jerk

As much as it hurts, be grateful that you found out earlier rather than later. As for you not seeing the "red flags", well you did see them didn't you? Your instincts sent you looking for something and you were right. So don't bash yourself up for being taken in once again. Your instincts are alive and well, just a bit slow to ignite because you are still so hurt and vulnerable.

Once you are stronger your ability to keep attracting idiots like this will fade and a new energy will bring you what you need. This takes time so slow down. I am two and a half years out from D-Day and only just thinking about the possibility of dating again. The right man will come your way when you are ready.

I would get his car keys and move his car outside the nearest whorehouse. That's where he can pick it up when he returns.

Ellejay
xxx

peridot posted 4/5/2013 18:56 PM

I would put all his crap in the car. Then call and have his car towed. If they ask, tell them someone parked their car in your driveway. He'll have to pay to get it out.

Or, since you have the keys, just park it somewhere else with all his shit in it.

I would let the wife know about him if you can find out how to contact her.

TrustGone posted 4/5/2013 20:48 PM

I am so sorry you were put in this position so soon after your DDay and D. Everyone is right, BTDT. I met WH#2 a couple of months after filing for D from XWH#1. I should have never started dating him so soon after filing and before I had time to heal myself. I thought he was perfect, the total opposite of XWH#1. Boy was I ever wrong.

Don't beat yourself up over this, but do get some IC to help you understand why your picker is broken before you get involved with anyone else.

Call his BS and out his ass. She has a right to know and it will help her not to blame you or herself. Throw his stuff in his car, then have it towed away from your apartment. Then go NC with his lying cheating ass. How they think they can actually get by with this forever is beyond me. (((HUGS)))

burnedcanuckEMS posted 4/5/2013 21:07 PM

Thank you all and I agree I got involved way too soon. Part of me thought "why not if we both like eachother", but he definitely played on my vulnerability. I took all his crap out to the car and I am still debating where to leave it. I thought maybe the airport - park in the expensive parkade and let him wander around until he finds it. Another friend suggested I park it anywhere illegally so it gets towed to the impound lot
I have a few weeks to figure it out.

I want to let his BS know, but she is in Albania and doesn't speak English. i believe I have her phone number from the papers I found but I don't speak Albanian so that won't help. However I am thinking about reporting him to the immigrations department. Marriage fraud is a big deal, he is pretending to be single yet has a wife and kid he wants to bring over. At the very least I am sure he will get questioned hard if I do that.

Heavy Sigh posted 4/5/2013 21:35 PM

If his wife and kid are Albanian, and have to depend on this guy, then they have horrific problems you don't need to add to, so I'd back away from any plans except to put his stuff in the car, leave it in the driveway and tell him his keys are under the flowerpot.

Dark Inertia posted 4/6/2013 00:21 AM

How do you know she doesn't speak English?

burnedcanuckEMS posted 4/6/2013 08:01 AM

How do you know she doesn't speak English?

Good question. I never really thought about it but I assume she doesn't speak english. I'm not sure that telling her would help matters. From the sounds of it this is very common for the men in that country, and since he is supporting her and trying to bring her to Canada I really doubt that it would make any difference. I am better to just walk away from this. I am realizing more and more just how many lies he told me over the past eight months.

There was one night he randomly took off to the nearest city "for a drive" (3 hours each way) and met me the next morning for coffee. I found two concert stubs in his car for that night. And there were many many other women who would text him that he said were just friends that i was always suspicious of.

He is a dirtbag through and through. I don't think there is anything that can be done to stop him. I just hope he didn't give me any STD's. I was tested back in January and had BV but the other tests came back clean but I didn't have the full panel. Looks like I am back to my doctor.

Amazonia posted 4/6/2013 08:45 AM

I'm not sure that telling her would help matters. From the sounds of it this is very common for the men in that country, and since he is supporting her and trying to bring her to Canada I really doubt that it would make any difference.

IMO whether or not it makes a difference is her decision to make, not yours.

burnedcanuckEMS posted 4/6/2013 08:50 AM

IMO whether or not it makes a difference is her decision to make, not yours

Fair enough. My only way I think I can get ahold of her is to either mail her a letter or call the phone number on his courier envelope I found. I still might just do both.