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Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: Suggestions?
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Sad  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is my birthday, but I don't feel like celebrating anything. Really, I just want to be left the hell alone, but my DS is making that a logical impossibility. My co-workers surprised me with OJ, donuts, a balloon, a card, and a gift card, and even Heart really worked at making this day something special for me, and I feel horrible that it hasn't been.

In talking to Heart today, she pointed out that I most likely haven't forgiven myself for what I've done. That might be true, but I don't know how to rectify it.

I feel worthless and terrible. Hell, even Grumpy Cat (my birthday buddy) probably feels better than I do.

Any suggestions? I'm open to anyone's input...

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

Posts: 824 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your wife is working to make this special for you then stop focusing on yourself and try to focus on the family. You are letting your pain over ride what is happening with your family right now. Why are you wasting this family time, haven't you done enough of that? Pain makes us narcissistic as UO likes to remind us, that is what you are doing right now.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right. I just don't know where this is coming from inside me. I mean, I assume it's guilt, but I don't know for sure. Ugh.

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

Posts: 824 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, what TG said.

I get the whole birthday/Christmas/anniversary/holiday thing. Guilt kicks in and we're all, "Ohhhh Gooodddd, I'm so unworthy! I did this horrible thing and they're being nice and loving to me. They don't know what a monster I ammmmmm. I should go eat worms and diiiieeeee."

Dramatic? Eh, I see WS do it all the time. Shoot, I did it. Some SIers called me to the rug on that one. (Thanks btw y'all)

What are you today? Are you still a conniving, lying, cheating jerk? Or are you remorseful and busting your butt to be a healthy person?

If the latter, get over yourself. Your family loves you. They are showing you that love by celebrating your birthday. Recognize the emotions and effort they are putting into it. Kick the guilt aside, hug your loved ones, and enjoy the time with them.

The alternative is worse. And realistically, I don't think you'd like it. Instead of your initial post it could read something like this:

Today is my birthday. I'm alone. Due to selfishness and pig-headedness, my wife has kicked me out. I've lost my family, my friends, my job, my life. Didn't think life would turn out like this. How did I get here?

Be thankful for your wife. Your family. And your second chance. Enjoy them.

Happy Birthday.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 37688
Member # 37688
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see a stop sign so as a BS I hope its ok for me to respond.

I can completely understand how you are feeling emotionally detached from celebrating your birthday. Your wife probably feels the same regarding hers and holidays as well.

The point I want to make as quickly as possible is that sometimes we BS's need to do things that used to be normal to help get us thru the day as well. Don't deny her that. She may be struggling today too.

(((Hugs and Happy Birthday)))

Me BS 51
WH 56
4 Sons 29, 28, 26, 21
D-Day 11/20/12
Renewing our wedding vows: 10/21/2017
Second honeymoon cruise departs 10/29/17

Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought a lot about this yesterday evening, and I'm now convinced it was just the intersection of "Bad Day" and "Birthday." Were it to be today, I'd probably feel differently; had it just been a 'bad day,' it probably wouldn't have hit me quite so hard.

That said, I did apologize profusely for marginalizing efforts to make me feel better. I pointed out the things that she had done that I was very aware of, thanked her for the effort, apologized for my moodiness, and thanked her again for everything she and DS had done to make the day special. As a result, it was quite special, and I will probably always remember this as the birthday after I really grew up into parenthood.

It was funny: DS was sooooooo excited for me to open presents that he (A) almost spilled the beans on all of it and (B) wouldn't shut up about it. I finally open them, and I realize that the reasons he wanted me to were (C) he got to play with the noise-maker card that he got for me again and (D) I would open the "4 and up" golf set, which he could then "go golfing" with Daddy (something I have my own father to thank for introducing).

I did, in fact, "go golfing" with my son. Surprised myself by 1-putting the hole! All around, I had a very excellent day, and I have done the work to show Heart that I really appreciate all the thought and effort that went into making me feel special.

Thanks to you all for helping me, too. You definitely helped give me things to think about!

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

Posts: 824 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad your day turned out better than you thought it would.

There is a component of "fake it till you make it" that comes in handy sometimes.

On the self-forgiveness thing, it may not be a big moment for you. It was just sort of a realization that dawned on me one day, that I had forgiven myself. The feelings you carry around sort of become a habit that is hard to break out of, but if you keep doing the work, that habit becomes less "necessary" for you to operate. Also, I think some of us sort of need to hold onto the pain of what we did. As long as it doesn't become a self-flagellating pity party that drags everyone down around you, then I think it is okay. There is a lot of balancing/juggling that you have to do when in R.

WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
Topic Posts: 7

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