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User Topic: How do Waywards and Betrayed spouses survive w/out counseling?
♂ 37901
Member # 37901
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious after lurking on SI for the last four months, how couples survive/ reconcile without any formal individual or couples counseling.

My wife and I are 10 months in from DDAY. We almost immediately sought couples counseling. 3 weeks into couseling I gave my wife the full disclosure of the damage I reaped on our marriage .

From that point on, my wife attended sessions almost weekly to present day.
Until late August we were in couples sessions. At that time I attended a weeklong on site love addiction/ advoidance workshop at a local rehabilitation facility. The workshop was the equivalent to about 11 months of intense therapy.

I discovered a lot about myself during the workshop. Unfortunately I rode a theraputic high and "thought" I had things worked out to a manageable state. My individual sessions were not made a priority. My wife and I maintained couples sessions, but I wasn't aware of how deep my issues went.

After a number of life events: birth of my son, moving and our therapist taking a month long sabbatical to write a book.

I got back on track, with the help of our couple's therapist.

In December i was referred to another therapist recommended by our couple and my wife's therapist. He specializes in CSA, and has been a great help for me. I have been going to him weekly since december.

I guess my point is my wife and I have had great counselors in place to help us. I know it's not financially feasible for a lot of people to make that investment.

With that being said, the SI members going through this without counselors, how are you surviving ?

What are you doing to supplement those resources. Also, Do you feel reconciliation would of come faster or easier had you had the financial resources to do so.

The last 10 months have been incredible hard and filled with a lot of pain as well as healing.

I've said to my wife serversl times, and she agrees that without the therapists we had, we would not be where we are today.

Even with the things we have done to get us through this there are still no guarantees how things will end up.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we could have benefited from couples counseling but we went to one session and he felt that since she didn't think the way he did that it was bullshit. He went in thinking it was bullshit. We're not holding up well but we're trying.

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage IC or MC here.. always been a 'DIY' type guy

so it figures, i'd say 'I can work through this.'..

..SI has been my shoulder to lean on and whatever understanding I have gained in the past 4 years has been due to you, ..this brotherhood and sisterhood of nearly 40000 minds and hearts.

..i'm on the '5 year plan'

so you all are not done yet!!!


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 70
Her 66
Married 45 yrs (together 49)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer.
. died from a brain tumor@57

Posts: 4940 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario Canada
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got far more from SI than I ever did from IC. I was told by 2 I didn't have an affair and my pain was from my childhood. Another told me my childhood never happened as I lacked the "appropriate" shame.

It was this site and members that got me on the road I needed to see how MY choices were affecting me.

IC is great, IF you can find a good one. A bad one is so much worse than none at all.

While most folks on this site don't have degrees in psychology they have their experience and wisdom and share selflessly. Priceless.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband opted out of IC.
Told me I could go if I felt I needed it. He was willing to let me try this on my own first.
We toyed with MC.

In the end, we didn't do either.

I found SI 4 days after Dday and quite honestly, the folks here have pushed, held me accountable, and helped more than and IC could have ever done. (IMO)

Ironically, a couple weeks after Dday, our church had a long series of sermons on marriage. It was kinda like group MC for Mr. Aubrie and I. We enjoyed the daylights out of it and learned so much. Everything in our life was pretty much decimated and that series kinda helped us start from the ground up.

We've always been DIYers. We took the same approach with our healing. And so far, it's been awesome.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not think that we would still be married, if not for MC and IC for him. I went to IC for about 2 months, and it did help, but when the anger hit, SI was (and is) my counciling outlet. We were fortunate enough to have a fantastic MC who held both of us accountable when necessary, and who taught us how to relate to each other again. My WHs IC is fantastic and is helping him quite a bit to get to the root of his compulisions, ways of coping, etc., and substituting healthier ways of coping plus the mental pause button to figure out why he feels driven to do what he normally would do.

My normal MO is to walk away, when conflict gets too hard. I fear being abandonded so much that I'll make sure I'm the first person to walk away. And I would have walked permanently away, without a lot of understanding being gained, had we not had the councilers that we did and do.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9901 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♂ 18710
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we simply survive. That's about it. Feeding two kids, insurance, etc-too much month at the end of the money for any counseling.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5418 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
♀ 37797
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No counseling here for either of us. I don't see how a counselor can help if one person is refusing to tell the truth. TT is incredibly frustrating for me and I've just about given up trying to talk. I think we're just riding this sick horse until it dies then we'll be forced to dismount and move on.

Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not doing any counseling due more to my H's impossible work 'schedule' (24/7 on call).
I did a significant amount of IC when I was younger and my first serious relationship came to an end. I am also very introspective by nature. My H and I spend A LOT of time talking about his A's (way more than he would like to I know). We read here and from books. We discuss what we read. When I have a question, I ask and be answers. His attitude toward healing himself and protecting our M is the only thing that kept me from leaving right away and his continued willingness to work on even the hard stuff (his FOO issues and porn addiction) is what keeps me here day after day. I am relentlessly persistent also and won't let him brush something off just because he doesn't want to talk about it.

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 37730
Member # 37730
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way would we even be having a chance without counseling. Our MC literally within 24 hours of me finding out, his IC, and sometimes my IC. No way would we be together. None. Not a chance.

D-Day: 12-3-2012
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 30 years

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 38886
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist kept me from doing some really stupid things. The marriage counselor really read my cheating sob husband the riot act. I don't know how anyone could tolerate the pain without someone to help them along!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 34918
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have never gone to any sort of counseling... we toyed with the idea but due to schedule restraints (we have 3 kids and my FWH works crazy inflexible hours) and the sheer cost, we never followed through.

SI has been our "MC". We both lurk for the most part, but will bring up a thread and discuss from time to time. We've had our ups and downs, but I honestly don't think a MC could have brought anything out that we didn't already figure out on our own. I think it really depends on the couple and the situation!

BW (me):31
WH (guiltfilled11): 32
together 12 years, married 6 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 8, DS 6, DD 4

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC has gotten a few good swings in with the 2x4s and given me several ideas that I probably wouldn't have arrived at on my own, so he's been helpful. Not as pivotal as just talking to my BW, but definitely helpful.

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

Posts: 824 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♀ 37146
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We would not still be together (I don't think) without MC...but it took 2 tries to find the MC that could help us. Being two trained professionals(WS-medical and myself social worker) came with it own set of problems that we needed a strong MC that could ahead of me especially.

Reading books, doing exercises have been a painful path, sometimes not a good thing...our current MC has a handle on WS' attempt to do all the right things and still doing things causing more hurt in our 41+ years of marriage.

I was the first to realize we could not do R without help...yet it took WS to find the correct MC for both of us. A big step in getting back into team work to save this marriage.

SI has greatly helped, but MC has made the difference!!! Everyone and their marriage/relationships are different, so don't think there is an answer to fit us all!!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After D-day, My H said he would do anything I asked, inscluding go to MC.

By the time I was able to get an appointment, almost two months had gone by. By that time, we were doing well on our own, communicating and talking things out. I decided it would be a waste of time and money so we never went.

Seven years later and we are fine.

Posts: 6792 | Registered: Apr 2006
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did IC for two years before and after what I did, and we started MC and continued for two years.

Hlessons is in IC and has been since I discovered what he did, so almost a year now. I am back in IC for almost two months.

I can honestly say though, SI is where almost all of my lightbulb moments have happened. It has been either reading a thread or interacting with someone on one. And then I have taken that knowledge to IC and explored further on how to deal with it. This place and the wealth of knowledge on it is invaluable.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
looking forward
♀ 25238
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my priest a few times in 2009, but she retired within the following year. She talked to both of us together a couple of times, too.
I saw her two years ago at an Anglican Women's Retreat, and we had a private counselling session. She told me that she thought I was no further ahead in my thinking.

We have not had any other type of counselling, either IC or MC, and the strain of trying to R without professional guidance is, IMO, greatly hindering our chances of R.
My H says that he has gotten so much support and education through SI. So have I.
No other support system.
Nobody to talk to.
Keeping it to ourselves...

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 49 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3240 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
♂ 37538
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in IC. I honestly don't know how much it is helping me. I have heard from many people that IC makes you feel better in the moment, but when you just keep returning to the same crumby situation, it's hard for anything to stick. I have begged my BW to attend MC with me, because one of our biggest issues is, and always has been, communication. We just don't communicate well. We need an impartial third party to point out where each of us is going wrong. I have a good idea where my issues are, and I am sure there are more. There is just no trust left between us on that front, and I think a good MC could really help us, if it's not too late. I would recommend couples at least make a solid effort to attend counseling. Even if it's with your pastor/priest/rabi... It is very difficult, IMO, to break that wall of mistrust without a third party.

I know we're worth it.
WH/BH (Me-36) EA 11/11-12/11
BW/WW (tattoodchinadoll-34) EA early 2016, PA 8/16-9/16, Continued to 12/16 after discovery.
Together nearly 20 years, married for 14.
Three daughters, 12, 8 and 5.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 18

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