My wife and I are 10 months in from DDAY. We almost immediately sought couples counseling. 3 weeks into couseling I gave my wife the full disclosure of the damage I reaped on our marriage .
From that point on, my wife attended sessions almost weekly to present day.
Until late August we were in couples sessions. At that time I attended a weeklong on site love addiction/ advoidance workshop at a local rehabilitation facility. The workshop was the equivalent to about 11 months of intense therapy.
I discovered a lot about myself during the workshop. Unfortunately I rode a theraputic high and "thought" I had things worked out to a manageable state. My individual sessions were not made a priority. My wife and I maintained couples sessions, but I wasn't aware of how deep my issues went.
After a number of life events: birth of my son, moving and our therapist taking a month long sabbatical to write a book.
I got back on track, with the help of our couple's therapist.
In December i was referred to another therapist recommended by our couple and my wife's therapist. He specializes in CSA, and has been a great help for me. I have been going to him weekly since december.
I guess my point is my wife and I have had great counselors in place to help us. I know it's not financially feasible for a lot of people to make that investment.
With that being said, the SI members going through this without counselors, how are you surviving ?
What are you doing to supplement those resources. Also, Do you feel reconciliation would of come faster or easier had you had the financial resources to do so.
The last 10 months have been incredible hard and filled with a lot of pain as well as healing.
I've said to my wife serversl times, and she agrees that without the therapists we had, we would not be where we are today.
Even with the things we have done to get us through this there are still no guarantees how things will end up.
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
so it figures, i'd say 'I can work through this.'..
..SI has been my shoulder to lean on and whatever understanding I have gained in the past 4 years has been due to you, ..this brotherhood and sisterhood of nearly 40000 minds and hearts.
..i'm on the '5 year plan'
so you all are not done yet!!!
It was this site and members that got me on the road I needed to see how MY choices were affecting me.
IC is great, IF you can find a good one. A bad one is so much worse than none at all.
While most folks on this site don't have degrees in psychology they have their experience and wisdom and share selflessly. Priceless.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
In the end, we didn't do either.
I found SI 4 days after Dday and quite honestly, the folks here have pushed, held me accountable, and helped more than and IC could have ever done. (IMO)
Ironically, a couple weeks after Dday, our church had a long series of sermons on marriage. It was kinda like group MC for Mr. Aubrie and I. We enjoyed the daylights out of it and learned so much. Everything in our life was pretty much decimated and that series kinda helped us start from the ground up.
We've always been DIYers. We took the same approach with our healing. And so far, it's been awesome.
My normal MO is to walk away, when conflict gets too hard. I fear being abandonded so much that I'll make sure I'm the first person to walk away. And I would have walked permanently away, without a lot of understanding being gained, had we not had the councilers that we did and do.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
SI has been our "MC". We both lurk for the most part, but will bring up a thread and discuss from time to time. We've had our ups and downs, but I honestly don't think a MC could have brought anything out that we didn't already figure out on our own. I think it really depends on the couple and the situation!
On the fence... do I stay or do
Reading books, doing exercises have been a painful path, sometimes not a good thing...our current MC has a handle on WS' attempt to do all the right things and still doing things causing more hurt in our 41+ years of marriage.
I was the first to realize we could not do R without help...yet it took WS to find the correct MC for both of us. A big step in getting back into team work to save this marriage.
SI has greatly helped, but MC has made the difference!!! Everyone and their marriage/relationships are different, so don't think there is an answer to fit us all!!!
By the time I was able to get an appointment, almost two months had gone by. By that time, we were doing well on our own, communicating and talking things out. I decided it would be a waste of time and money so we never went.
Seven years later and we are fine.
Hlessons is in IC and has been since I discovered what he did, so almost a year now. I am back in IC for almost two months.
I can honestly say though, SI is where almost all of my lightbulb moments have happened. It has been either reading a thread or interacting with someone on one. And then I have taken that knowledge to IC and explored further on how to deal with it. This place and the wealth of knowledge on it is invaluable.
We have not had any other type of counselling, either IC or MC, and the strain of trying to R without professional guidance is, IMO, greatly hindering our chances of R.
My H says that he has gotten so much support and education through SI. So have I.
BUT I HONESTLY DON'T THINK WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS ON OUR OWN.
No other support system.
Nobody to talk to.
Keeping it to ourselves...