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How long to heal on your own?

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LastChanceLarry posted 4/5/2013 12:15 PM

Once WGF moves out on her own i'll become a bachelor again as well as a part time dad. I understand that the healing process takes 2-5 years if you're in R, does that timeframe shift when it's just you? I expected WGF to help with a lot of my healing and to "make things right" but now i don't have that option. I have IC, AD, my job and my son. I have some friends and family but i'm not an overly social kind of guy, never have been.

Part of me wants to jump right into another relationship, find some of that love and attention that's been missing for so long. Validate myself. I know this isn't healthy and i need to work on myself first but when will i know when it's safe to move on? The last thing i want is to get into another relationship just for the sake of not being alone. At the same time, this feeling of loneliness is what's got me bummed the most lately, i just feel so unwanted. Will i have to wait years before i can try to have a healthy relationship? Settle into a single-guy routine again? I've always enjoyed being in relationships, i love giving affection and receiving it in return. I realize that's probably just my codependency talking and it should be a red flag for me saying that i'm not ready. But is it?

I'm excited about the prospect of finding someone who really loves me, who will fill my life with intense joy and make my world a happy place. I'm afraid of looking for that in a way that i find someone less than perfect for me and end up settling again.

Is it really possible for me to heal completely without closure from WGF and the A?

~Larry

Newlease posted 4/5/2013 13:37 PM

Most people will tell you that when you are ok with your own company, you are ready.

I think that most people don't really know until they try. I waited 9 months post-D to start dating. I had been with XWH for 26 years. It was TOO SOON! I was looking for a connection like the one I had so many years as a married woman.

I learned the hard way and went through a lot more pain before it was all over with.

Now I realize how rare a quality relationship is. I found one, but it took me 5 years to get there.

If you jump in too soon, you are probably carrying some pretty significant baggage - not fair to the other person. Or you are so READY to find love that you ignore red flags that you wouldn't otherwise ignore if you weren't so desperate.

Taking time at least ensures that your wounds are good and healed before the possibility of new hurts comes along.

NL

traicionada posted 4/5/2013 14:09 PM

My therapist often says healthy people attract healthy people and too often we get into relationships for the wrong reasons. I know the idea of finding outside validation sounds appealing but you have to think long term. Be good to yourself, even if that means spending some quality alone time

Dawnie posted 4/5/2013 14:57 PM

I starting dating the man that I am now married to 5 months after D-day..... we have been together 3 years now and married a year and a half. I was no way near healed when we met, but I fell hard very fast and so did he. I still have baggage from moving on so quickly and I have to make a conscience effort sometimes not to allow my wounds to carry over to him, it is very hard sometimes. I wish I had given myself more time alone before I met him, but I didnt and I have no regrets. I think everyone is different and you know when its time... dont give yourself a time line, just go with your gut.

Luvlyla posted 4/5/2013 17:57 PM

I think you've got to go with your gut and since you mentioned co-Dep in your post, id say you'd need to sort that first.

After my first separation during engagement due to an affair, (with a young child) i waited maybe 3 years before getting to know the guy then another two years of being friends to get into a relationship with him. i was happy to be on my own, thought i had worked on my issues, loved him completely and thought he just is the one at any cost - but it turned out he was still a cheater at heart too, just better disguised than DD's dad.

IMHO its really definitely better to do ALL the healing, by yourself, completely. first of all.

all the loneliness is a Bugger, cs it makes you think you've done most of the work you know roughly everything, now let someone in - but if you're not healed, you'll be repeating the pattern.

i know i was hoping to be rescued by this guy because there were parts of me that weren't healed, and he was hoping id rescue him, and in a way we did, but then the rest of the drama triangle started - the persecution and judgement and victim-hood.

im excited about this new prospect of finding someone new too like you mentioned, its a way of your brain giving you motivation to get through the pain, accept it, but just don't blindly listen to it.

there is someone out there who can be all you need Larry, just give yourself the best headstart of figuring out what it is you need, and what youll accept and how to achieve that before you get too far down the line with them.

time isn't linear in this instance I think, if it were, it would be like a two year course we could sign up to, but unfortunately everyone's baggage is a different weight and everyone has a different capacity to deal with it.

glad to see you in NB and with no head in the sand Larry. So sorry though that WGF wasn't remorseful.

But you're a good guy, you'll be ok. get working on yourself, we come into this world alone and we die alone so why wouldn't we expect to fix our problems on our own, before we share our lives with anyone else, our lives are precious not a heavy sack to be handed over to whoever thinks they might be the right person. They're ours to deal with, THEN to share with who we deem the most worthy.

Grace and Flowers posted 4/5/2013 18:43 PM

Larry,
I don't think there can be a standard timeline for this kind of healing. I agree with the others....it is hard to be lonely....but much better to heal fully before dating or getting into a relationship. I worked REALLY hard over the the last 18 months...IC, read a lot of books (Getting Past Your Breakup was the best one for me), exercising, finding new interests....just working on ME and MY issues. Man, I thought I would NEVER turn a corner and feel better....until I did.

I've started dating, but have no intentions of getting into anything serious. Just having some fun, and seeing what the world is like. The point is, I got to a point where I was really happy with ME, and most important, indifferent to WXH. The indifference was key....once I knew I really was not only ok, but happy in my new life, thats when I knew I could be good company for someone else!

Don't try to rush it. Work on yourself....and you really will know when the time is right. If you dont know, then the time probably isn't right.

[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 6:43 PM, April 5th (Friday)]

Sunnie posted 4/5/2013 20:42 PM

I've only been S for less than 5 months and I'm nowhere near ready. Actually I am embracing the "loneliness". At first I felt alone and wanted a new relationship right away but now I actually feel empowered about being alone. I get to do all sorts of things and it's all on my time and my choices. I think it's called feeling free

Also from a girl perspective - warning this might sound a bit harsh - most great women don't like guys who are lonely, who want a woman only because they can't be by themselves. I have a co-worker like that who hasn't stopped whining since his divorce last year that he doesn't want to be alone forever and keeps asking out any girl with a pulse. Don't be that guy.

torn2bits posted 4/5/2013 21:55 PM

Larry, I am sorry that things did not workout for you.

I have to say that knowing yourself is the key. I don't equate being lonely and wanting to move to dating or another relationship as not being ready or healed.

For me, I simply enjoy the company of thers more than being alone. I am a social butterfly. This is not to say I can't be alone. I just came back from a 5 day trip alone. I prefer the touch, company and social aspect of being with a man.

Again, know yourself. If you need to take some time to find yourself, then do it. I know a woman who was basically married for 20 years and then divorced and remarried within 1 year. The reason; the marriage had been dead for the last 5 years. She was ready. Time may not be the indicator of being ready or healing.

Find yourself with new activities, perhaps IC and some alone time.

better4me posted 4/6/2013 10:25 AM

The time it takes is the time it takes. Do the work on you that you need to do. Make a list of interests you haven't had time to pursue but would like to. What are some things you would like to pursue physically, emotionally, spiritually? List them, do them. Work at enjoying your own company. Don't look for a relationship to make you happy, make yourself happy. These things are pieces of the advice I've been given. All of that advice is hard to take when the LONELIES are raging. I know all those things are true though, and I know I need to take care of my stuff before I find another relationship...and so I continue to pursue finding my own completeness.

I don't think it takes years to heal. I think it takes concentrated effort though! Hang in there. Come back here often. Know you have good company in this recovery and healing!

LastChanceLarry posted 4/6/2013 13:25 PM

I have an old friend who went through sometime similar a year or so ago, her H just up and left her after being emotionally abusive for some time. She told me that a big part of her recovery was trying to find her way back to the person she was before she met H. Bring back the confidence, joy, simplicity of that younger self.

I remember what i was like before i met WGF (XGF now? ), i had just started to be comfortable with myself, i was confident and very happy with who i was. That extended into our relationship for the first couple of years, before things started going sour. I look back and feel intimidated by that version of me, i have no where near the self-esteem i once had and the courage and sense of adventure is gone as well.

I understand what needs to be done, where i need to be before trying again but i just don't know i can get there from here. Small steps, right? Take care of myself, IC, exercise, read, explore, time with DS, hobbies, etc. It all sounds so easy at first but the reality is daunting to me. I've always been slow to heal from these sorts of things.

Maybe i'm too eager to get my life "back on track". Instead of having the next, better, relationship be my goal i should probably think of "fixing me" as my goal. Love will fall into place later, right?

Fuck it, i'm thinking too much. I'm going for a run.

~Larry

Luvlyla posted 4/6/2013 14:12 PM

Instead of having the next, better, relationship be my goal i should probably think of "fixing me" as my goal.

good start, but this can still be broken down even further into smaller goals.

I also find that to combat the lonelys i need daily / weekly goals (be more open to people in work / talk to someone new this week etc...)

small visible achievements help avoid a Saturday night wine induced FML implosion (which usually precedes days of yearning to contact WXBF).

new relationship for me is many many stepping stones away, but I'm excited about reaching it one day!!

One step at a time.

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