"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

3kids30years posted 4/5/2013 18:19 PM

Found out 3/2/13 - still reeling. WH says it was really over in November - but I found an IM planning a meeting for the next day. pretty graphic. I confronted him that night, and think it is now over. OW is a "friend" that we have known for 10 years. Daughters play soccer together, family has been in theater productions together. She never liked me. Always talked to him. They have a lot in common (lol)He said the PA started after a long EA (3 years?). I am devastated. I will see her 3x this weekend at soccer games. I am a wreck. How do I act? I don't want to be needy, but I need show her that I'm still here. That I'm not giving up on my marriage (She gave up on hers last year)I can't sleep and can't think. We are trying to R, but I'm a wreck. The "What if's" are killing me. What if I hadn't found the IM? They would have been together again. I feel so lied to, so distrusting.

I'll make it. I am strong. I don't need him. I want him. I want our old life. I know I can't go back.

Thanks for letting me vent. This site has been my lifeline for almost 5 weeks.

Theunwilling posted 4/5/2013 18:24 PM

What is your WH doing to help u /. Especially w the weekend events coming?

3kids30years posted 4/5/2013 18:28 PM

He said he'll do what ever I want/need. But I'm not sure. I just know I'll need help. It will not be easy. She is younger/exotic/thinner/richer. I won't compete - but I can't help but compare

daledge posted 4/5/2013 18:31 PM

OK; take a deep breath! Look good, take time with your appearance. You will have more confidence. Hold your head high. You did nothing wrong. She did - with your husband.

If anyone should be worried, it should be her. Do not compromise your dignity, ever!!

Do not confront her; ignore her. Let her wonder what is going on. Hang out with some of your friends, bring something to share with them. Cupcakes, bottles of ice tea, whatever. Make yourself look really popular if you can.

Just remember that if you wrestle with a pig, the pig loves it and you end up covered in you-know-what!

When you can get your thoughts together, talk to your husband. Set your boundaries, remember - total transparency. His behavior must stop immediately. Trust, but verify. Plant a GPS, track his phone, do it all.

And if he shows you who is really is (again), then believe him, and dump the SOB!

Good luck! You'll do great.
xxx

3kids30years posted 4/5/2013 18:35 PM

Thanks Deledge - all great ideas.

I'll definitely ignore her. And bring something to share with the people I do care about at the game tomorrow.

And you are right, I'll not wrestle with a pig. It'll get my new jeans dirty.

still2suspicious posted 4/5/2013 18:53 PM

Pretend she's not even there!!

Hold your head up high, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, or hide from.

One boundary for my FWH is NO one-on-one conversations with ANY woman. He is so scared now he won't even talk to our woman friends, even in a group. Serves him right!!

Think about how you want your WH to be: always close to you? holding hands for all to see? And then let him know ahead of time what you expect. It could ease some of your anxiety.

Good luck, 3k30yrs.

3kids30years posted 4/5/2013 19:06 PM

I think I'll ask him to stay close, hold my hand often and make sure I look AMAZING!

You are right. I did nothing wrong. They did.
Intellectually I know that, it's the emotional me that gets lost.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. It's a morning game 10:30am PDT.
(I may see her tonight at soccer pick ups - I hope not)

Thank you for the kind words. I need them right now.

sailorgirl posted 4/5/2013 19:34 PM

3kids30years,

She is younger/exotic/thinner/richer. I won't compete - but I can't help but compare

If you have to compare, don't forget that she is a broken, immoral home-wrecker, while you are honest, loyal and beautiful inside and out.

Is OW divorced? Has WH send a NC letter? I would tell WH exactly what you want him to do at the games (my suggestion would be for him to ignore OW completely, but be natural and affectionate with you). You could also communicate with WH through text in case you want to tell him something private, or need him to walk away from the group with you for support.

Have you told any friends? My BFF was the only one I trusted, but I knew she would be awesome and she's a friend of the marriage. Also, if having your kids close relaxes/distracts you, you could tell them that you'd like some extra TLC (I told my kids that I missed them during the week and wanted to have a lot of hugs on the weekend).

I'm sorry that you're on this roller coaster from hell with us!

Skan posted 4/6/2013 00:56 AM

She is younger/exotic/thinner/richer

AKA, she is immature, funny-looking, and, due to standing around on corners, has a couple more bucks than you. And she also has stained panties because, well, she's a ho.

And that's exactly what you're thinking this weekend, when you don't see her. You do the cur direct you look at her as if seeing a complete stranger, smile vaguely, and walk on. Or, if you can't bear to look at her, look past her and ignore her completely. If she manages to catch your eyes, you think WHORE as loud as you can, and ignore her. And your WH had better be hovering over you kissing your be-hiney. (((hugs))) You can SO do this!

Nailinmyforehead posted 4/6/2013 05:20 AM

Hi there, You will do fine, and you WILL look amazing! I will be praying for you, and I don't mean a half-assed "some stranger from the internet blowing smoke saying he will pray for me" type of thing. I will genuinely pray for you, as I have a similar situation to yours. As far as the

She is younger/exotic/thinner/richer

, I went through the same thing. My wife's AP is a macho, competitive bodybuilder wanna-be biker type. Our daughter plays AAU basketball, and the same situation here. I took a little more time with my appearance, held my wife's hand for support and you know what hit me walking in? That POS screws married women! Who does that? What an ugly, dirty, broken POS he is! That realization right there, coupled with the fact that my wife could have been there with him, but she was there WITH ME, not HIM. She was with ME. Your husband is CHOOSING to go to the game with YOU, and will be holding YOUR hand. She is a broken piece of shit that screws married men, and he is with you. You win. Hold your head up! You did the hard thing, which is staying to work it out.

Getting to Happy posted 4/6/2013 15:06 PM

You are so much better than that pathetic Skank!

AKA, she is immature, funny-looking, and, due to standing around on corners, has a couple more bucks than you. And she also has stained panties because, well, she's a ho.

This^^^100% True!

Remember she's a HO! No matter what she looks like on the outside, she is a desperate HO!

Why can't these wretched sluts find their own man?!?

SHEEESH!

solus sto posted 4/6/2013 17:44 PM

I don't need him. I want him. I want our old life.

The fact that you recognize you don't need your husband, but rather want him is encouraging---do you want to build a new marriage with him? Because sadly, you can't have your old life back. He chose to end it with his long-term EA-turned-PA.

To get through the weekend, I would do my best to ignore her existence. She doesn't merit any of your attention. She's not better than you!

3kids30years posted 4/6/2013 18:07 PM

**UPDATE**

Sorry took so long
All things considered it went very well. I got up a little early and made sure I looked good. Our Son (21) and Daughter (12 - she is the one playing soccer) both said I looked good. So did WH. I felt good. I was ready.

I reread all your great suggestions, kind words and advice on the way to the field (45 minute drive). We arrived before OW. When we were parked and getting out of the car I saw her pull into the lot. I know she saw me. She went thru the lot and left. Good.

I went to talk to the other parents - I have friends, she does not. She is a skanky, no good ho who can't keep her own man. And she will not be taking mine. She is separated, but not divorced, from her second husband. Lives in her own apt - that is where the A occurred.

During the game WH sat right next to me, he was attentive, affectionate and on his best behavior. We both ignored her. I spoke to people around her. I was me. It actually felt good. I laughed, smiled and had a good time. My heart is broken, but no one else has to know. I know and WH knows. She will never know. She does not deserve to know anything about me, ever.

After the game we went to lunch. (One of the reasons for the late post).

Another game tomorrow. I plan to do/act the same. I did nothing wrong. I am strong, smart and beautiful. She is weak, stupid and ugly - inside and out.

I have told some of the soccer parents that we had a falling out - no details. My choice. But if I feel the need, I will tell everyone what happened. My WH is MY WH. Not hers.

I have spoken to 2 very good friends - one is a mom on the soccer team, the other is a mom from DD's Girl Scout troop. Both have been very supportive and are making sure I am ok - it feels good to have someone to talk to.

WH has boundaries, he is trying his hardest to win back my love and trust. We are very new at R, but I will do everything I can to get us back. I want him in my life. I do not need him, but I want him. It was hard to explain that to him.

I appreciate all the kind word and post mo9re then yo can know. I t is hard to try to figure everything out, to share the deepe4t, darkest fears with someone who has not been thru this. I hate that we are here. I an thankful that I found this site. It really is a lifeline.
(((huggs))) and much love to all. Tomorrow is one more day to bring us back together. Stronger, happier and maybe even better.

XXooXX

GingerAle posted 4/7/2013 11:08 AM

Way to go!! Sounds like you handled the situation with amazing class and strength. I hope today goes just as well!

Theradin posted 4/7/2013 18:02 PM

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be incredibly difficult and traumatic for you.

The only thing I can offer (in addition to support, of course) is that if your WS is seriously about NC, then he needs to discontinue ALL forms of contact with the OW. I mean EVERYTHING. Like, he is no longer welcomed at the sports games, etc. If he is truly committed to you, he will do this. If he isn't, well, then it looks like he is the one who decided his fate for himself, not you.

Best of luck.

hopefulmother posted 4/7/2013 18:26 PM

Normally I would say NC, but in this situation-I think it is a good thing he goes to the games with you. The two of you need to show an united front. If he doesn't show, she will think you forbid it because of jealousy reasons or see it as you are still threatened by her. Yeah, it would suck that he gets to see her though. You are strong....I would want to tell all the moms what she is.

still2suspicious posted 4/8/2013 16:31 PM

**clapping hands for 3k30y**

Glad it went well for YOU!!

Probably was shit for skank, but then again, isn't what they deserve??

3kids30years posted 4/8/2013 16:42 PM

Update on yesterday -

Did not go as well (I actually started a second thread about sending her an anonymous letter, I was so pissed off).

She made sure she was in my site lines most of the game, brought her bother, S-I-L,niece and nephew to the game. I assume for support. She was flaunting herself in front of me and my WH. Being loud, laughing, make a spectacle of herself. WH actually got angry that she was so blatant. He seems to be FINALLY seeing her true colors.

I just walked away. Spent time with the people I like at the game. She will not bother me again. I have decided that she is invisible to me, not worth my time or trouble. I am a good, loyal and beautiful wife with amazing character. She is a no good, immoral, skanky ho with no character. She will one day get what she deserves. I will be happy and make sure she sees WH and I being happy and affectionate.

This thread was a lifeline this weekend. I kept bringing up the site on my phone when I was feeling low. All your kind works, great ideas and support made me not feel alone. Your support is so very much appreciated. Truly.

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/9/2013 05:11 AM

Wow. You're an amazing woman! So strong. Geez. Who could handle this without flipping out and running across the soccer field and tackling the beeahtch?

You're doing great. You can ignore the following idea, but here it is (;

The next time that birtxh pisses you off with her remorseless flaunting, just print out about 200 copies of a note that says, "Please help me encourage "insert the bitch's name"'to leave my husband alone. I love him and have for 30 years." Then, get to the soccer field and hour early and with a happy smile on your face, hand out one to every adult who drives into the parking lot.

sudra posted 4/9/2013 10:08 AM

Just read this thread.

Congratuations. Her actions at the second game prove that you won both rounds. You said it didn't go as well, but her reaction was priceless. She couldn't hack seeing you along because she knows you are the better woman.

You did a great job keeping your cool. Congrats and hugs, because I know it was hard for you.

And edited to add an "yay" to her for showing her true colors to your husband. Glad he got to see that.

[This message edited by sudra at 10:09 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]