"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

pizzalover posted 4/5/2013 22:01 PM

As many of you know as you've read my own posts and my BH's posts, my affair and deception were extremely devastating. The fact that my affair began prior to our engagement, and continued on during our engagement and after we got married. I also began a "friendship" with my AP's wife that continued the duration of my affair. Our MC said that she's never seen anything like this before. I feel like I'm alone, like no one else has had a situation like mine. Has anyone else experienced anything like me?

momdaughterwife posted 4/5/2013 22:35 PM

BS here- no stop sign. You are not alone. Every affair has its own twisted story. Not to minimize it, but I've seen stories of affairs while dating/ getting engaged that continued after marriage on here before. Unfortunately we are all part of this club we didn't really want regardless of the route we took getting here. At some point we all feel our situation is somehow the worst and feel those moments of being alone. Then as time passes and we hopefully heal, we are able to see the bigger picture which is looking at what you can do today and tomorrow. The past will not change, but the future can be brighter. Keep posting and reading the advice here. It's really good.

badchoice posted 4/5/2013 22:42 PM

PL

Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all done shitty stuff.

My ap #2, and her BH were friends of my BW and I before the A started, and after it started AP and I still acted like great friends to each others BS.

I know it's hard to not compare with others stories. I do it myself.

Focus on healing yourself, and the M.

Brandon808 posted 4/5/2013 23:08 PM

Has anyone else experienced anything like me?

Yes, but for me it was as a BH. My xww turned out to not be faithful for literally a single second of our entire relationship.

More importantly than the duration was the fact that she never owner her behavior, never had true remorse and never did the work to figure out her own issues and get heathy.

That is what will make the ultimate difference in your life.

CrappyLife posted 4/6/2013 04:22 AM

PL - BS here.. in my earlier days on SI, I also used to look for similar or worse stories than mine.. provided momentary comfort.. no long-term difference.. realised that comparing is a red herring.. i even had a thread STA v\s LTA.. that helped get some perspective.. although i still do compare..

don''t know if its any consolation or even something you are looking for.. read my story in my profile.. if that helps!

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 4:25 AM, April 6th, 2013 (Saturday)]

authenticnow posted 4/6/2013 07:05 AM

Read my profile if you want to feel better. I went car shopping with xOM, his wife and baby, and my own DS (while there was another OM). Pretty fucking twisted.

Focus on your own situation and how to fix yourself now. Steps forward from this moment on .

musiclovingmom posted 4/6/2013 07:45 AM

My H stopped before we got married, but barely - DDay was 3 days before our wedding. His main OW had been my friend. I talked her into movin home, I invited her to spend time with our family, she even babysat so my H and I could go on dates WHILE they were sleeping together. Any A requires twisted mentality. You are not alone.

pizzalover posted 4/6/2013 08:27 AM

Thanks everyone. Its good to know I'm not alone. My goal is definitely to figure out what motivated me to do this. I don't want to make the same horrendous choice again.

I also want to thank all of the BS's who are so respectful with their comments. It means a lot.

SoVerySadNow posted 4/6/2013 14:23 PM

BW here. PL it's not so twisted or unusual.
Every story is horrible. I'm surprised your MC hadn't seen it before though.
You seem to have your feet on the ground now.

Ashland13 posted 4/22/2013 17:40 PM

BS here.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that lasted less than a year, when the groom discovered love letters from his new bride to her OM. Same as you, she had met him while being BF/GF and had a lot of cake to eat.

She had been with H for five years-all through college-and met OM through a job there, she told me.

Anyway...this was one of my first times ever associated with an A that wasn't on tv and we were all in our 20's. It was very strange and difficult to understand.

Ironically, STBXH was my BF then or we were engaged and he used to express outrage at my friend's A. Can you imagine?

Anyway, soon they did get divorced and she went on and married OM. They have OC now and have been married happily for about 10 years, though they moved many states away.

She did tell me that for her, it was easier to go through with the wedding than face what she had done.

She lost many friends including a life long friend when she asked for validation that she was an ok person and if she would ever not have the A in her life. The friend blasted her with massively harsh words and now almost 20 years later, they are not friends but grew up with each other.

The friend who was a WS did ask me my opinion of what I thought she did and I told her that though I didn't understand why she didn't come clean to H first, I try not to stand in judgment of things I don't really know about, like the other friend did.

However, now that it I am the primary player or person it has happened to-BS-I don't have that same reasoning. I've maintained a small friendship with my friend, but with STBXH its different and I'm trying to figure out why and praying that it doesn't make me a hypocrite.

I don't know if I can ever truly forgive STBXH because his level of deceipt was so high, but I wish that I could...someday.

If you want, I can pm you my story, as my L said he had never heard of anything like it and neither did my counselor.

HurtButHoping12 posted 4/22/2013 18:29 PM

*hugs*, you aren't the only one with a twisted past. I'm a BW but my FWH did some pretty screwed up things - read my profile if you want to feel better.

It doesn't matter what happened... what matters is, you woke up, you want to change, and you want to understand why you did what you did!

rachelc posted 4/22/2013 19:33 PM

Steps forward from this moment on .

I love this advice...
i read something a while ago that made sense, just make the next right choice... one right choice in front of the other. We all know what the right choice is... and we all know when we start that descent down the cliff...

SandAway posted 4/23/2013 08:15 AM

My situation is pretty twisted also, not many WS with the same story as me. I also feel pretty alone. But you know what? We all have something in common; we had an A. What ever way we went about it, we devastated our BS by betraying them. But, we are here because we want to fix ourselves and NEVER be that person again.

Steps forward from this moment on

Remember that. You are no longer the person you were, don't let that define you.

[This message edited by SandAway at 8:27 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

MissesJai posted 4/23/2013 10:26 AM

every situation is twisted. Don't internalize your MC's statement. Just because she's "never seen anything like this" doesn't meant it doesn't exist and doesn't happen. It just means exactly how it reads - SHE'S never seen anything like this...she should've added YET because if she remains in her profession, she will and then some..Keep working.

What2Thnk posted 4/24/2013 01:35 AM

I don't think your story is all that unique. In fact, something very similar happened to me. OW# 1 decided that it would be 'easier' for everyone if she and I were friends. She made these overtures several months after the A with my FWS had begun, and continued the pretense of friendship with me even after FWS had effectively ended the PA (although not the EA). At one point I told her that I was suspicious of the relationship they had, and she reassured me that she would never "do something like that."

She even tried to continue the 'friendship' after I found out about the A, claiming that HE had hurt US, as if she hadn't known about me, and that he was not ending the relationship with me despite all of her efforts to convince him to do just that, from the very beginning.

If your MC hasn't seen something like your situation, I'd question her level of experience.

burntashes posted 4/25/2013 01:34 AM

I can definitely relate to how you feel. I feel like a fraud going about everyday things like helping out at my daughter's school, talking with other parents about our kids activities - in the back of my mind I think "if you know what I've done you'll run so fast the other way and not want to even know me". I ask myself many times each day how could I have done this, how could I have disrespected myself, my H and kid so much? When I struggle, I try to tell myself yes it's bad, I really did do that, and there's nothing I can do to change the past. All I can do is accept the past and focus on being an honest, honorable person today.

Thanks AN for the reminder. Step forward from this moment on. It's hard to avoid these feelings but I guess that's part of being honest with ourselves. We just have to remember that each day we can choose to be the kind of person we want to be, and doing the best we can today is all any of us can do. Keep putting one foot in front of another on the path to a healthier you. You'll be all right. (((pizzalover)))

pizzalover posted 4/27/2013 09:41 AM

Thanks everyone!