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Darksideofme posted 4/6/2013 03:29 AM

Hello everyone,
This is my first time posting. I originally wanted to get on to tell our story get feedback and learn more about what I could do for my BS... Well here's our story in a nut shell. We've been together since we were in our early teens. We were not suppose to be together but we couldn't stay away from each other. Eventually I moved in after eventually staying over almost every night. We were mid-late teens by this time. We we through a similar situation around this time. I ran around with other boys because we never did anything but sit at home all day. I wanted to do what young people do. Go to movies, go out on dates, hang with friends, things like that but at the time that wasn't possible for us. Soon my BS too found a girlfriend. I realized that i didn't want that specially since my bs said he loved me and i was often still there with him. Well this went on for a few months before we figured out we wanna be together. We never really talked it through, never fully cleared the air just moved on. After all what young adults know how to discuss hard situations with out fighting or making matters worse. Well we eventually cleared things up to a point but that situation still would bother me throughout the years till this last A. We moved to MO for a few years and then moved back home. Throughout the year things weren't all that bad, but my BS had depression while we lived away from home, struggles with his confidence, would never believe how wonderful he is when I would tell him. So i just dug in and did the best I could for us. Then we moved home to my house as my parents situation seemed to be long term in another state, so I felt I needed to come home to watch my childhood home. Good thing to because shortly after our move the economic downfall happened. I was able to find good job slowly moving up the latter. My BS started to work for my uncle doing construction. We started to drink more just to socialize. Eventually things started to change for me. I know I began to feel like I did everything and attempted to talk about my feelings but never really discussed our situation. I just dealt with my feelings and kept to myself. I eventually started to talk to an old friend and it felt good to have some support and input on my life. Eventually things got physical. While this was not constant contact in fact maybe months or weeks at a time. I also started talking to an old advisor i had in college. He would text me almost everyday complimenting me and making me feel good about myself. Of course this got physical. Wasn't a great experience but i did it cause i kinda felt like that was the payment for his kindness and I didn't want to lose that. I of course i knew didn't really care about this guy. But continue to talk to him to stroke my ego. All the while still talking/meeting to my other friend periodically. Soon another person from my past came back to the area. I was told he asked many questions about me. Told me i couldn't leave the bar when we visited cause he didn't want me to go and pout at me if I did. I thought that it felt good to know someone thought about you a lot throughout the years. This situation got physical and the last time I blacked out and things happened and I remember spots of the night. This was after a major fight with my BS. All the while slowly pushing my BS away, feeling resentment cause he didn't do the stuff these guys attempted, and thought about leaving but just couldn't bring myself to because I really just wanted him to fix the mess i was making, to fix me and our problems. Well needless to say he caught me do to a iPhone backup I did. We fought he was gonna leave but I begged him to stay and he did. He came here and found help for us. We've worked on suggested steps and only have one left. I was suprised how quick things started to mend as I felt like I was being torn apart from the realization of the awful person I really am and having to explain all of this to my BS. To break his heart and to hope and try to help fix my mistakes. I quit all contact the next day of d-day 2 as requested. He searched for everything he could find and found it and made me explain everything. That was a hard few weeks for explaining comforting and crying. I did it cause I do love my BS and just want to be happy with him. Well its been a few months now. Things lately have been great a lot like many of the other members explain. I registered here to cause I wanted to tell our story and ask if there is more I could do to help my BS heal. Ive left all my accounts open, my phone, and told him when one of the OM contacted me. I wanted him to see I mean everything I said and since i could tell he didn't believe me i wanted to show him. Things were getting easier to talk about even resolved our old issues from the last childhood A's. i learned more about myself, my triggers and learned to tell my BS and would try to explain them to him. Things have been as they were many years ago. I felt happy and everything that was lacking was back I felt fulfilled and have been hoping that everything I've been doing in return really showed how much I really care. Well my BS started using a messenger to help him with build his confidence. I must say its worked great. He kinda was telling me how he was doing this then asked me to join this messenger so we could chat as he felt it was better then texting. I agreed joined we did a few experiments to see the reaction i would get as a girl. Findings are girls get swarmed unless the picture is very non provocative. We changed my name and profile pic and i asked people to clean chat had talked to a few people, but mainly my BS. Well the reason this even happened cause i noticed that my BS was irritated when I would play with his phone... Just like I had been. I let it go... He wouldn't do anything like I've done, to me. Well last night he stayed up all night drinking. He went to bed when i was getting ready for work. I helped him get in him sleep clothes and finished getting ready. I kissed him even though he was out cold by this time and told him how much I loved him and what a great person he is and how thankful i am. Well a few days ago I texted him how I notices his reaction when I touched his phone, we talked that night and that how we ended up doing the messenger experiments. At this time Im realizing that I've opened everything to no privacy at all and its great I want him to have piece of mind, but I have no access to any of his info. Im starting to feel he's not being open like i was force to be (by good reason). But nothing got resolved. He didn't try to give me piece of mind and I tried to let it go. After all why should I deserve that kind of respect I'm an awful person. Well before he went to be he tells me about this weird lady he chatted with and i asked about it but he said he'd tell me after I got home from work. Before I left for I work i went to go see this convo he had with his lady, only to find out his phone password is changed. This bothered me all day but my day was hectic and i couldn't really address it. I got home then we came to our room and he told me that this lady was blunt and that she was mad at me cause of what i had done and at him for staying. Well i guess she must have asked in broken English if it was cause of his manhood size. He sent her a picture of him in his underwear just to show her that it wasn't the reason. Well he's telling me this, I'm getting mad because I'm feeling thats going to far. Then i start talking to him about feeling one sided with everything i asked for his phone info and he wouldn't give it to me. So i start explaining my feelings that he's hiding something. He finally tells me that he's been talking to a girl since easter friday. That it isn't anything which i question why he didn't just tell me about it. He said cause he didn't want me to see him flirting with girls. I really didn't think it could be that bad cause he said he explains to everyone he talks to our situation and that he wants to work on his confidence. Well this particular girl he hasn't told her anything about us or me. I finally get to read their convo. Not before him stalling and trying to get me to say it cant be as bad as everything I've texted. Well i read it i see a comment calling her beautiful no big deal right cause i personally do not think so. Well I continue to read and this afternoon when he woke up he started charing with her again while chatting with me as i look for support for my stressful day. What do i read, she asking if he hungover and he says something along the lines of I'm felling better now that i get to see your pretty face... I breakdown... What do i do now??? I thought things were getting better... Im feeling everything he felt... We talk he's been trying to apologize and i ask all the question he grilled me with... He feels like I do about my A. Im upset this is happening so early. Im mad he said these things with his heart when i told lies to the OM... But i wonder how i can have any of these feelings cause I'm not worthy of him... He's sleeping now, but now I'm alone in these feelings and not sure of what to do. I love him with my whole being. Ive been working so hard to help fix my mistakes. He says he loves me he's sorry he don't know what happened. All the things I tried to explain to him. He understands now and I understand his position. I know this isn't as horrible as what I've done but why?? Why now, we're barely mending... If dealt with all the lashes he's thrown at me with the understanding i deserve it and it will help him... But what about now... What do i do??? We've talked but now I feel like he did i wanna know and see everything... I don't believe what he says... Help! Please... I do love him i wanna make this work and i believe he does to but i never wanted to feel even...

BaxtersBFF posted 4/6/2013 08:15 AM

Welcome to SI.

Please use some paragraph spaces in your posts. It is quite difficult to read when it is all one giant block of text.

So, first off, you have to work through this feeling that you deserve becoming a BS. Nobody deserves that, and from the sounds of things, his actions, his minimizing, he is playing the role of a WS perfectly. What husband would tell another woman that "he is fine now that he see's her pretty face" and then hides it? Ask him how it would make him feel if you said that to some guy on this chat thing you've joined.

Speaking of which, drop that chat crap. There are other ways to learn self-confidence, and obviously it is something of a boundary issue with him. And guys were swarming you? No, a couple trying to R should not be participating in a chat room setting where people are trying to hook-up. Bad idea.

You are what we call a madhatter, which means you wear the WS hat and now you wear the BS hat. It is a tough thing to recover from, but look around here in the Wayward forum. Some people identify themselves as MH's in their signature. There is also a thread in the I Can Relate forum for MH's.

Read through the Healing Library if you haven't done so already. There is a link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen. Lots of good info there.

Just keep reading around and find your footing. Post, respond to others, and you will find a direction. Whatever direction you do find, it shouldn't involve you beating yourself down and "accepting" any kind of retribution in the form of an A by your H. Emotional affairs (EA) are just as damaging as a physical affair (PA).

Darksideofme posted 4/6/2013 11:39 AM

Hi Baxterbff

Sorry about the large block of text I just typed what I was feeling and did not thing much about grammer or layout. I understand what you mean tgat its hard to read. I will make sure to use paragraphs from now on.

I did ask him how he would feel if I was telling another man he's handsome and got mushy. He agreed that he wouldnt like it.

I let my anger go just like he had to me. I said pretty much everything he said to me in reverse. He got mad like I had in the beginging of our R.
It was has just been everything in reverse.

I agree with the chat stuff. I didnt want to really get it. I just did cause he said he wanted to talk to me through it. We did those experiments laughed and i pretty much use it to just talk to him. I would actually have to use a different app to get people to talk to but i prefer not to. I think it will be better for use to not use also.

Im just starting to feel like a human again... Like Im maybe not as bad as I think I am. But now i have new feelings that are just as hard to deal with. Im glad I was able to post it has made me feel better. Just to get it out, just to have the possiblity of suggestions.

I have looked at tge library but it was reading everything i could about the WS and how to reconcile. I guess i get to read all the BS info now. Thank you for reminding it is there. I will start looking into MH info also.

Thank you for the support! This would have been a trigger for me. I actually thought about conracting my original friend out of spite but came here instead. Even though this is not how Id like to learn about myself. That is exactly what i'm doing.

I will continue to read and post. I think sometimes i just need to hear what i think from a different perspective to help push me along.

Thanks again!

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