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Newstart43 posted 4/6/2013 09:37 AM

ExWW and I tried for 3 years to start a family but couldn't .... all the drugs and hormones and stress...only to be told the only chance she had because of her fertility issues (severe endometriosis)was IVF. Now barely a year and a half after running off with OM...she's pregnant.

Looks like she's getting everything she ever wanted.

So much for Karma

[This message edited by Newstart43 at 9:39 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Mandilwen posted 4/6/2013 09:52 AM

I'm sorry. That must be hard to deal with. Karma seems to be a tricky sort of thing to me, cause no matter what you put "out there" you still can't control the actions of other people. I really wanted my ex to get his karma, but I know it will not/could not manifest itself in a way that I would think is justice. We obviously did not value the same things, so when I think of his karma, it would probably something I wouldn't think of as a big deal. And he wouldn't see it as karma anyways, it would just be someone else's fault...

SouthernGal posted 4/6/2013 09:54 AM

Edited to add:

I know that it has to be very painful that she is now pregnant - and for that I am very deeply sorry.

It sucks ass to see the people who hurt us, who ripped out lives and marriages apart, living happy and fulfilling lives. This is never more true that when the pain is still fresh and you've not had the time to detach. Each happy thing in their lives is a new dagger in our backs.

So I send you many hugs!

There is an up side here, though. You will not have to watch your child being hurt by the selfish, manipulative, and Wayward ways of your ex. I know it is hard to see that as a plus, but I've seen so much posted here about the effects of breaking up a family and infidelity on children that it seems like it might have been a tiny blessing in disguise that you weren't able to have children with her.

Look, the truth is that Karma is not some sword of Divine Retribution that hangs over the head of every WS.

Karma is a belief in several Eastern religious traditions and in only one (possibly 2) is it considered a form of divine retribution and punishment for misdeeds.

Karma is the law of moral causation. It is a complex idea. But if you really boil it down to its most basic element it is this:

We are responsible for our own happiness or misery. In the end we are the architects of our lives.

Yes, in theory we all want to see the person who caused us harm fall, and the more spectacular the fall the more joy we derive from it. But that's not really Karma.

In a truly Karmic sense ... that is putting negativity out there and that will come back to you in a negative way. That is building the foundation of your happiness on someone else's misfortune (even if it is deserved). It's pretty hard to be truly and genuinely happy when your source of happiness is someone else's misery.

You want Karma? Fine.

But you need to acknowledge that Karma is more than just something bad happening to someone who hurt you.

The philosophy of Karma is that nothing happens to any person that they do not somehow deserve. If you're going to sit around waiting for Karma to slap your WS around you need to accept all of it. That every good and bad thing you've ever done at any time in your life is the source of your own Karma - which means that one some level you deserved to be unhappy, too.

It also means looking for the good in your life and realizing that that, too, is Karma.

Karma isn't just something that happens to other people to make us feel better.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 10:04 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Threnody posted 4/6/2013 09:58 AM

Speaking as a moderately selfish mother of three: she'll get hers. Especially now that she will be vulnerable and dependent (for a while, anyway) on a cheater she cannot trust.

nowiknow23 posted 4/6/2013 09:59 AM

((((Newstart))))

Happydays posted 4/6/2013 10:00 AM

Sorry bro, but what happens to ex should be least on your list. In fact it shouldn't be on the list.
Karma will come only after you have moved on.

If my FWW wins a 10 mil $ lottery, or takes up Steve Balmer's job, or becomes a member of the builderberg group, I couldn't care less.
She's already shown me who she is, and I didn't like what I saw.

[This message edited by Happydays at 10:02 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Survivor3512 posted 4/6/2013 10:24 AM

Don't worry about karma. It may or may not ever happen. And look on the bright side, not having kids with your x will make it easier to move on. A child ties you to your x forever. Trust me, that sucks. You still have plenty of time to have a family someday- if that's what you want. And then it will be with someone who is worthy of sharing love and life with you.

jo2love posted 4/6/2013 16:01 PM

(((Newstart)))

better4me posted 4/6/2013 17:11 PM

((Newstart))

It will matter less and less with time.

Hope24 posted 4/6/2013 17:38 PM

Great post, SG. The concept of karma is so often misinterpreted on these forums.

SBB posted 4/6/2013 17:53 PM

Having had two babies with a lying, cheating, POS douchebag I can tell you this could indeed be Karma. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You've been given a chance to have children with someone worthy of that amazing amazing gift.

I know it doesn't make it hurt any less right now. Please know that in time it won't hurt so bad.

((Newstart43))

fraeuken posted 4/6/2013 19:25 PM

I so agree with StrongButBroken. You have a chance to have children with somebody who will love you and with whom you will have a true family. I have two beautiful girls who suffer tremendously from their father's choices and him tearing apart the family. You have a chance of never having to go through that.

Hold on to that hope, miracles happen all the time.

jackie89 posted 4/6/2013 19:48 PM

SouthernGirl, loved your explanation of Karma.

Thank you for that!

LadyQ posted 4/6/2013 23:38 PM

And this portrays exactly the problem I have with the "idea" of karma. I cannot accept that I've done something so egregious that I "deserve" the shit sandwich on toast that I've been served. I don't believe that our actions (or lack thereof) as BS's allow for the hell we've been through. I'm much happier with the idea that shit happens in a random fashion.

stronger08 posted 4/7/2013 02:12 AM

Did you ever really want a toy as a kid ? The commercials were great and it looked as if this was made especially for your happiness ? Then Christmas morning you open up your presents and there it is. Life is great and your on the top if the world. Until you start playing with it and its broken before the next day. Your angry that you got what you had wanted. And it turned out that what you thought was the greatest thing turned into just another piece of crap with a nice box and a good marketing effort. Well thats exactly what she has now. And you can sit at home playing with your old reliable football you had forever. Well you know what Im saying.

redvixen posted 4/7/2013 18:00 PM

I hope I can explain myself right: Perhaps the blessing is that you DIDN'T have a child/children with your XWW. You know that Garth Brooks song "Some of God's Greatest Gifts Are Unanswered Prayers"? That says it all. My XWH and I tossed around the idea of having a child together (between us we had 5 from our previous marriages, four of whom lived with us) for years. THen one month, well, I was "late". Took a home pregnancy test - it was positive. Got excited, both of us. But I was having horrible back pains, and went to the doctor - they told me I wasn't pregnant. (I never had false positives ever before). So was I, or wasn't I? Given what XWH did to me a few years later (and also how his family became after his passing) I am so GLAD that we didn't have a child. No forever ties.

I am sorry you are hurting, Newstart, but really, this may be the best result. No ties to this woman who hurt you so badly. No having to see her weekly, or for life events, or sharing grandchildren with.

tesla posted 4/7/2013 18:27 PM

I just want to echo that the blessing here may be that your children aren't with her.

I have a son with ex-shat and in the months leading up to D-day we were getting ready to go for kiddo #2. Instead D-day hit, he left and got his stripper whore pregnant. I was absolutely devasted...just didn't seem fair. But after I worked through that I realized that I had dodged a big ass bazooka blast. He's an ok EOW dad to Teslet but I'm so incredibly thankful that I didn't get pregnant before he left. I probably will never have that second child so I guess you could say that I got cheated out of it. And yet, my life has taken new and wonderful turns that would not have been possible with ex-shat and a second child.
((((Newstart))))

Newstart43 posted 4/8/2013 07:03 AM

I just want to say thanks to everyone for the comfort, understanding, and words to consider. Southern Gal thank you especially for I know there is a lot of wisdom in what you say and I agree in my head even if it's hard right now to feel it in my heart.

I'm not one for Karma in a supernatural sense anyway...I think its just more that the situation offends my sense of justice. The reality is also...that while we are the architects of our own lives...our choices have consequences for others...and I am still feeling the consequences of her actions and there is a resentment (justified or not) that she does not seem to be feeling the same consequences.

It also hurts as well in that one of the painful issues to me, in healing the wounds of of the past year was the fear that the time lost (7 years) in my relationship with EXWW was the time when normally one would be having kids, raising a family, (and God knows we tried...and the fertility issues were a source of stress...especially for her I think as she felt somehow "broken")....but now I'm 44 and single...with no children, and I do wonder now if I have lost the chance... My EXWW was considerably younger than me... (the first "younger" woman I ever had a relationship with)and I think her lack of maturity also played a role in her actions. ..but it has also left me reluctant to get involved in a relationship in the future with a similar age difference. ...

Anyway...needed to vent....had a pity party over the weekend to deal with this...but I am working through it in my head and moving on...and I am greatful to all of you for the comfort and understanding.

((Thanks Y'all)) (said in my best South Carolina drawl)

[This message edited by Newstart43 at 7:07 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

keptmyword posted 4/8/2013 19:07 PM

Being able to look at this now, would you want a lying, deceitful backstabber as the mother of your child?

More than likely it was inevitable that she was going to do this to you or whoever else she was married to.

I want to think about the emotional pain that you have gone through, and evidently, are still feeling to some degree. Now, multiply that pain by 100.

Imagine that.

Well, that is how this situation feels when children are involved because in the end - they get the worst of it.
And that is how much worse you would have felt if you had had a child with this woman.

You dodged a bullet here. Be happy about that. Now you have a chance to find an emotionally healthy woman who will be faithful, loyal, and a committed mother/wife.

tryingagain74 posted 4/8/2013 19:52 PM

I agree with the others. I'm sorry for your pain, but you dodged a bullet in a huge way. I'm stuck parallel parenting with STBX for at least another 14 years. If he were a fantastic dad, it would make things easier, but he's mediocre at best and is shoving the OW down the kids' throats as their new stepmommy. I can't believe that I have to be associated with that train wreck for such a long time, and I wish I had picked better so that my children might have had a father who actually cared about them instead of how they gave him the appearance of "nice family guy."

(((Newstart43)))