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What I'm doing wrong

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sodamnsorry posted 4/6/2013 09:59 AM

I was asked almost two weeks ago to write out a new timeline that consolidated our three TT DDays into one coherent reality and I haven't yet done it.

I don't read enough (other than SI).

I haven't gotten re-tested yet since my initial STD panel was 6 months ago.

I haven't gotten deep enough into why and how I did this in my IC sessions.

My BS still feels like she doesn't know me and I haven't *made* her know me.

I haven't done enough in actions to really own what I did. Only in words.

I've listened but not heard.

Our M is on serious life support here and I can see it is my WS's daily struggle not to call time of death. She has been the most tolerant, amazing BS I could ever imagine. The end result of everything listed above is that since DDay, I have let her outwork me in recovering from this. I put us here, I should be leading the way, but I have been too passive and let her drive the car.

There is a song called "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLr6G8Xy5uc). I would challenge any WH to listen to this and not identify with it's message. After DDay, this song really bothered me, because I knew this was what my wife was screaming in the years before DDay. Now it is hard to listen to because I now see that after DDay, she has been screaming the same thing. I should be taking the lead to fix the damage I have caused, and I have not.

My wife reiterated to me last night that if our marriage fails, it isn't my affair that killed it - it's the events since DDay. I thought I was working because I was doing a lot of deep thinking and talking more since I pulled my head out of my ass about a month ago. As my wife said though, I pulled it out but didn't clean it off.

I see the writing on the wall and where I have failed. I'm ashamed I ever allowed her to outwork me in fixing this. I'm trying to right my wrongs, but honestly it may be too late.

BaxtersBFF posted 4/6/2013 10:47 AM

Everyone has different timelines for healing. That being said, is it just that you are on a slower timeline or that you haven't really committed? There is a difference, and if your BW saw the work, she might be more "lenient" in the amount of time it takes you to reach her milestones.

So, can you take an hour right now and do the timeline?

LadyQ posted 4/6/2013 11:07 AM

As a BS, I just have to say "wow". I would have liked nothing more than to hear these words from my WS, and then seen actions to back them up.

You may be correct in saying it's too late for your marriage, only time (and some seriously hard work!) will tell. But it's never too late to work on YOU. YOU are worth all the hard work. What is your plan to work on you?

sodamnsorry posted 4/6/2013 11:58 AM

BaxtersBFF - I'm on a slower timeline. I am committed but am often too passive. I find I struggle in my role as the WS here and will wait for my BS to take the lead on things to avoid taking the risk of making conflict. It's a struggle against a feeling that as a wayward I need to stay 'in my place' - but she's not asking me to do that - she wants me to lead - I put the other stuff on myself.

LadyQ - my plan to work on me is honestly not much different. I need to get to the root of why and how I had my affair to make myself a safe person again and never have to put myself through this hell ever again. I want to not have the word "cheat" so internalized that I have a trigger every time my kids are playing a game and I hear one of them say to the other - 'you cheated'.

Card posted 4/6/2013 14:59 PM

I was asked almost two weeks ago to write out a new timeline that consolidated our three TT DDays into one coherent reality and I haven't yet done it.
I don't read enough (other than SI).

I haven't gotten re-tested yet since my initial STD panel was 6 months ago.

I haven't gotten deep enough into why and how I did this in my IC sessions.

My BS still feels like she doesn't know me and I haven't *made* her know me.

I haven't done enough in actions to really own what I did. Only in words.

I've listened but not heard.

Our M is on serious life support here and I can see it is my WS's daily struggle not to call time of death. She has been the most tolerant, amazing BS I could ever imagine. The end result of everything listed above is that since DDay, I have let her outwork me in recovering from this. I put us here, I should be leading the way, but I have been too passive and let her drive the car.

There is a song called "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLr6G8Xy5uc). I would challenge any WH to listen to this and not identify with it's message. After DDay, this song really bothered me, because I knew this was what my wife was screaming in the years before DDay. Now it is hard to listen to because I now see that after DDay, she has been screaming the same thing. I should be taking the lead to fix the damage I have caused, and I have not.

My wife reiterated to me last night that if our marriage fails, it isn't my affair that killed it - it's the events since DDay. I thought I was working because I was doing a lot of deep thinking and talking more since I pulled my head out of my ass about a month ago. As my wife said though, I pulled it out but didn't clean it off.

I see the writing on the wall and where I have failed. I'm ashamed I ever allowed her to outwork me in fixing this. I'm trying to right my wrongs, but honestly it may be too late.


So is your plan to highlight more of your failures?

Is it to find agreement that you've been sitting on your ass?

I would recommend a path that highlights actions necessary for recovery.

Positive actions! Yanno, the ones that can save marriages...

Have you read the book Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley ,Jr. ?? If not, get a copy and get to work on studying it! It outlines the steps necessary to recover from an affair....

GraceisGood posted 4/6/2013 15:51 PM

She has been the most tolerant, amazing BS I could ever imagine.

It is good that you can see this, but perhaps take it a step further and explore what it says/means, to you and about you, that she has been so "amazing" in the face of all this and why/how, you have reacted/responded (or not) to this.


I'm trying to right my wrongs, but honestly it may be too late.

It is never too late to do the right thing, even if the M does not continue, your doing the right thing, will, for yourself, always be of benefit, irregardless of how others accept or reject it imo. I encourage you to not be deterred by the realization that it may be too late, do not allow that to side track you from doing what is positive for YOU to grow.

Grace

sodamnsorry posted 4/7/2013 07:34 AM

Card - I do have a plan to rectify the items I have listed above and others and it is centered around making positive actions.

I have seen others recommend Surviving an Affair as a book to read, but I have read a lot of comments that it really centers on understanding your partner's needs and that if everyone's needs are being met an affair won't happen. Did you see the book that way?

Card posted 4/7/2013 09:12 AM

Card - I do have a plan to rectify the items I have listed above and others and it is centered around making positive actions.

Are you willing to share your plan?

I have seen others recommend Surviving an Affair as a book to read, but I have read a lot of comments that it really centers on understanding your partner's needs and that if everyone's needs are being met an affair won't happen. Did you see the book that way?

It actually outlines many of the "why's" of affairs.
It outlines the ways to end an affair.
It discusses a path to restoring love in a marriage.
In the book it discusses a starting point, not an ending point.

All I can share is what was successful for me. I've used this material to help other friends who have suffered from infidelity too. There are other paths, but you still must commit to one if a great marriage is your goal or you'll have a crippled marriage for years to come.

UnexpectedSong posted 4/7/2013 12:10 PM

It's a struggle against a feeling that as a wayward I need to stay 'in my place'

What place is that?

918Mama posted 4/7/2013 13:09 PM

Wow. You basically just summarized all the things that are going wrong in my marriage too.

So...I say to you, what Baxter said:

So, can you take an hour right now and do the timeline?

And then to add to it...forget the song and the leading the family. You aren't even close to that yet. Forget leading the recovery and just do the fricking work for recovery.

The time you spent on here writing this post, commenting back...you could have been writing out the timeline, reading a chapter in the book, etc.

You sound a lot like my fWH so forgive me if I swing the 2x4 with added passion. But I think you're stuck in analysis paralysis. Stop thinking about what you are going to do and DO IT. If recovery is a priority, show it. If you don't have time in your weekend to get the stuff done you need to do, then take a day of from work to get it done. Cancel the extra curriculars until your work is done. That's what doing the work looks like.

Your wife wants to call time of death because your body is unresponsive. Show her there's a heartbeat there that doesn't require life support. Let her see through your actions that recovery is your number one priority. That's doing the work.

sodamnsorry posted 4/7/2013 13:23 PM

Unexpected Song - by 'in my place' I mean like when someone says 'so and so doesn't know their place'. Almost like I should take a more timid, subservient role since I am the one who did wrong.

Card - of course, I am willing to share my plan:

For one, I need to reverse the items on my list of what I'm doing wrong. I wrote out my consolidated timeline last night and gave it my wife. I need to continue going much deeper into the roots of my actions at IC. I need to get retested ASAP. I need to be a better listener. I need to do the research - I should be reading everything I can get my hands on about healing from an affair, not just SI. I should be posting more here, though. And when I go deeper, I need to share what I'm learning or connecting with my BS.

I need to be the leader in our healing, in our marriage, and in our home. I need to work on pride vs. humility. I thought this was a good article on the type of leadership I'm referring to: http://respectedhusband.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/a-husbands-servant-leadership-a-closer-look/

Card posted 4/7/2013 16:22 PM

"You need too and you should"

It's interesting how these were the very same things we needed to and should have done when we got married. Yet I had no flippin idea how to achieve making any of them happen... I had no target to aim at.

I need to do this or that is not a plan for success, it's a plan for more of the same path I was always on....

Read some books,

Take the lead; It means don't sit back and wait for it to be spoon fed to you!

Ask questions....

uncertainone posted 4/7/2013 18:04 PM

Take the lead; It means don't sit back and wait for it to be spoon fed to you!

This. Fixing yourself is not "passive". You can't be committed and also passive. The two just don't go together.

musiclovingmom posted 4/8/2013 05:28 AM

For one, I need to reverse the items on my list of what I'm doing wrong. I wrote out my consolidated timeline last night and gave it my wife. I need to continue going much deeper into the roots of my actions at IC. I need to get retested ASAP. I need to be a better listener. I need to do the research - I should be reading everything I can get my hands on about healing from an affair, not just SI. I should be posting more here, though. And when I go deeper, I need to share what I'm learning or connecting with my BS.

When I read this, what I see/hear is 'I need'. I am so guilty of using this wording to make myself feel better. If I recognize and admit that I need to do something, I feel better - even though it usually creates no actual response (ie - I need to do the dishes). Try changing the wording from 'I need' to 'I am going to'. Then do it. One thing at a time if you have to, but SOMETHING every day.

sodamnsorry posted 4/8/2013 06:36 AM

Card, UncertainOne, and musiclovingmom - point definitely taken. The 'I needs' and 'I shoulds' are very passive. Probably force of habit that I wrote it that way. I started doing actions on Friday and have been continuing since. It's a few days of work so far - hardly any sort of real track record that, but I am going to keep going with this.

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