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Did anyone have a spouse who wasn't really sorry?

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MichelleRenee posted 4/6/2013 10:08 AM

My STBX is treating this so casually. When I bring up things like him using our joint acct to book a hotel room he just chuckles and says "yeah, that was stupid". He acknowledges that doing everything behind my back wasn't right but he's just not sorry. He doesn't show guilt or remorse or have any interest in fixing things. I cannot forgive him nor would I be able to forget so I don't want to fix things either. But I thought the caught spouse was supposed to cry & grovel & beg forgiveness & say they'd do anything to fix it. Mine did none of that which is why I am confident in going forward with my divorce.

twiceburned posted 4/6/2013 10:19 AM

I understand this. One of the best things I learned from SI was the difference between remorse and being sorry he got caught. I am not sure that mine was sorry, and he was never remorseful.

I am in a very angry mood today, faced with selling the family house, and doing it all by myself while he is away with his GF.

He broke all of this, and I am left behind picking up the shattered pieces today! I hate infidelity.

I am sorry that you are facing divorce, but I understand why. (((Michelle)))

Kajem posted 4/6/2013 10:27 AM

My XH wasn't remorseful. He was told to leave and he never looked back. Do what you can to minimize the damage to you - financially, physically and emotionally.

Financially - consult a lawyer, financial advisor etc... about steps you can take so that he doesn't hurt you financially. He may be able to empty your accounts...I know some states will allow you to move 1/2 the money in joint accounts to individual accounts for protection. Once marital assets are spent.. It is sometimes hard to recoup.

Physically, I lost over 80 lbs in less that 5 months...It took it's toll on my health. I was barely able to look after my kids. I managed to keep myself hydrated .. but that was about it. Vitamins, hydration, rest, nutrition (even if it's ensure or nutrition bars) - anti depressants or anti anxiety meds.. can also help take the edge off.. and leave you better able to cope from day to day.

Emotionally- breath.. know that others have gone thru this.. we are here to help. Do something each day for you. A hot bath, pedicure, manicure, massage, dinner with friends, comedy movie night..etc. Something to nurture you. It can be something small or something large like redoing your bedroom.. or a vacation.



The first few months I lost 60 lbs. because I wasn't making sure I was taking care of myself.

Sue1964 posted 4/6/2013 10:28 AM

Oh my god I so understand me and h tried to fix but he wasnt sorry and no remorse at was i felt unloved so I went elsewhere now get over it.
Counceller even said to me I will see you but no point your husband as not sorry at all.

Happydays posted 4/6/2013 10:35 AM

But I thought the caught spouse was supposed to cry & grovel & beg forgiveness & say they'd do anything to fix it.

Well you are right. Most WS do that at the first hint of D.
Seems he was expecting that. He wasn't left with much choice either, filing followed the very next day after d day.
But if he is not stopping you, not trying to save M, then you should get the hint.

newlysingle posted 4/6/2013 10:56 AM

My STBX has no remorse either. He was sorry to be caught, but that was about it. In my case, he asked me for a divorce before I discovered the A. In his sick mind, his plan was to get rid of me, then introduce OW as his "new" GF to me and his family. Well, I caught him and now everyone knows she is the skanky OW. :

My douche thinks he's in looooove and that no one understands their loooooove for one another. She "gets" him like I never could.

I've just had to let go and go on with my life. I don't expect to get any true apology from him and I'll just have to live with that.

Sad in AZ posted 4/6/2013 11:22 AM

Oh! You were serious.

He's sorry he got caught. He was actually angry that I didn't wait for him to get over the OW; you know, if I'd just left it alone, he eventually would have dumped her.

It's the luck of the draw. Some waywards got it; others didn't. In this part of life we pulled the short stick.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 11:23 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

little turtle posted 4/6/2013 11:24 AM

XH isn't sorry about what happened. He still blames OW for what happened. And me because I changed after having a baby. I'm sure he's sad that he doesn't have the family he always wanted, but he seems to enjoy his free time. There was a time that he begged for forgiveness and he did convince me that he'd change, but it didn't last. In the end, he couldn't do what I needed (minimal... he couldn't even go NC with OW) for us to reconcile.

I hope your confidence continues and your divorce process is as smooth as possible!

Nature_Girl posted 4/6/2013 11:53 AM

My STBX is not sorry. He is only angrier than ever at me because this D is inconveniencing him & costing money.

LadyQ posted 4/6/2013 11:59 AM

X was sorry he got caught. He was sorry that the life I built and managed for him came to an end. Truly sorry? Nope. When I told him I couldn't go on and that I wanted a divorce, he was out the door so fast all I saw was dust and hair flyin'. And he hasn't looked back. I guess it's so much easier for him to just stay in his comfortable little bubble than it would've been to do the hard work and fix himself. Oh well, it's his loss...

Distraut posted 4/6/2013 12:02 PM

My XWW has no remorse wouldn't end A blames me tells everyone our marriage was over years ago .She too wanted to intro OM as new BF but I rained on that parade.She just made a scene at work yesterday went home crying texted me she was moving home .i had been cold and dark but I bought into her bullshit took her call she said I don't want the D I said its already done then she acted suicidal put her hang through curio cabinet glass texted me she was moving home I rushed home to make sure she wasn't hurting herself she said she wanted to save marriage in one breath then in the next said she couldn't trust me cause I led her to believe we would be friends which was her fantasy I went along with .is she sorry she said she was but her actions say different she's sorry she signed over kids and house in the fog but no real remorse.

caregiver9000 posted 4/6/2013 12:04 PM

I keep seeing this on the home page and the simple answer is oh, yes. He was never sorry, even that he got caught. He was plenty angry at the inconvenience of being caught and the messiness of my emotions which he just ignored or pretended were stupid and irrelevant.

The snarky answer is "HELL YES MY EX IS SORRY! He's the sorriest excuse for a human being to walk the planet."

Don't let his emotions define you or your worth.

Amazonia posted 4/6/2013 12:24 PM

Mine wasn't even sorry he got caught. Just smirked and moved out.

Griefstricken25 posted 4/6/2013 14:48 PM

Mine had no remorse or regret and moved on with his new life with OW as though I never existed. As painful as that was, it gave me ALL the reason in the world to make the decisions I made for myself and my children. Move forward for YOU.

disillusioned12 posted 4/6/2013 14:53 PM

My STBX is not remorseful or even empathetic. I'm the bad person taking his son away and divorcing him. He didn't do anything wrong. It was just a friendship and I'm overreacting. I didn't give our M a chance. He actually had the nerve to say he deserved another chance and he deserved to be my H. Too bad for him I have incredibly high standards, i.e. being with someone who is emotionally healthy and mature. I know, high maintenance.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by disillusioned12 at 9:10 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

abigailadams posted 4/6/2013 15:26 PM

My STBX never showed any signs of remorse either. Not one bit. He did try to tell me about his great joy with his new love. That ended the conversation.

He is kind of upset about how expensive it is to get a divorce. He seems particularly upset when faced with our DDs expenses. Then he is always "tapped out." I would so like to subpoena his credit card records and see how much he spends on the GF. However, I am going to forgo that pleasure if he agrees to my terms in mediation.

courageous posted 4/6/2013 15:35 PM

Mine wasn't sorry, he even told me as he was wanting to "make the marriage" work (which was false R) that he wasn't repentitive because to repent would require him to remorseful and he wasn't sorry for what he did. That should have been a huge flaming red flag that R was not going to really work.

reclaimingmyself posted 4/6/2013 15:54 PM

Mine was sorry he got caught and the world could see the guy he really was, the guy he made sure he saved just for my viewing pleasure until that point.

And he is really sorry that he has to pay me a nice little chunk of change each month for spousal support.

So yes, he's sorry, just not sorry he lied and screwed around on me.

KeepOnMovin posted 4/6/2013 16:13 PM

Nope! STBX really isn't sorry at all. not even sure she was sorry she got caught. She sort of acted sorry for a few weeks when Coworker AP dumped her, because he didn't want to lose his family. and we went to MC. This gave her time enough to stoke a relationship with another OM, in another state, a guy she dated in college.

So, no she's not sorry she got caught. She even told me that she wasn't remorseful at all for hurting me. Her head's so far up her own ass, she can't even see how badly this is hurting the kids. just says kids are resilient and they can go to counseling.

She also doesn't understand why we can't just be friends. yeah, like i want to be friends with someone that constantly lies and screws me over any chance she gets.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Divorce absolutely sucks, but if he's not sorry, it's really your best option, unfortunately.

HurtsButImOK posted 4/6/2013 17:04 PM

My XWSO wasnt sorry, maybe a little regretful that it makes him a bad guy, but its justified cause you know he wasnt happy.

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