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Newest Member: chinaandback (61844)

User Topic: Did anyone have a spouse who wasn't really sorry?
♀ 38880
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX is treating this so casually. When I bring up things like him using our joint acct to book a hotel room he just chuckles and says "yeah, that was stupid". He acknowledges that doing everything behind my back wasn't right but he's just not sorry. He doesn't show guilt or remorse or have any interest in fixing things. I cannot forgive him nor would I be able to forget so I don't want to fix things either. But I thought the caught spouse was supposed to cry & grovel & beg forgiveness & say they'd do anything to fix it. Mine did none of that which is why I am confident in going forward with my divorce.

Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
♀ 21590
Member # 21590
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand this. One of the best things I learned from SI was the difference between remorse and being sorry he got caught. I am not sure that mine was sorry, and he was never remorseful.

I am in a very angry mood today, faced with selling the family house, and doing it all by myself while he is away with his GF.

He broke all of this, and I am left behind picking up the shattered pieces today! I hate infidelity.

I am sorry that you are facing divorce, but I understand why. (((Michelle)))

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time......

Posts: 151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southeastern US
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH wasn't remorseful. He was told to leave and he never looked back. Do what you can to minimize the damage to you - financially, physically and emotionally.

Financially - consult a lawyer, financial advisor etc... about steps you can take so that he doesn't hurt you financially. He may be able to empty your accounts...I know some states will allow you to move 1/2 the money in joint accounts to individual accounts for protection. Once marital assets are spent.. It is sometimes hard to recoup.

Physically, I lost over 80 lbs in less that 5 months...It took it's toll on my health. I was barely able to look after my kids. I managed to keep myself hydrated .. but that was about it. Vitamins, hydration, rest, nutrition (even if it's ensure or nutrition bars) - anti depressants or anti anxiety meds.. can also help take the edge off.. and leave you better able to cope from day to day.

Emotionally- breath.. know that others have gone thru this.. we are here to help. Do something each day for you. A hot bath, pedicure, manicure, massage, dinner with friends, comedy movie night..etc. Something to nurture you. It can be something small or something large like redoing your bedroom.. or a vacation.



The first few months I lost 60 lbs. because I wasn't making sure I was taking care of myself.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 37057
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my god I so understand me and h tried to fix but he wasnt sorry and no remorse at was i felt unloved so I went elsewhere now get over it.
Counceller even said to me I will see you but no point your husband as not sorry at all.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
♂ 38681
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I thought the caught spouse was supposed to cry & grovel & beg forgiveness & say they'd do anything to fix it.

Well you are right. Most WS do that at the first hint of D.
Seems he was expecting that. He wasn't left with much choice either, filing followed the very next day after d day.
But if he is not stopping you, not trying to save M, then you should get the hint.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX has no remorse either. He was sorry to be caught, but that was about it. In my case, he asked me for a divorce before I discovered the A. In his sick mind, his plan was to get rid of me, then introduce OW as his "new" GF to me and his family. Well, I caught him and now everyone knows she is the skanky OW. :

My douche thinks he's in looooove and that no one understands their loooooove for one another. She "gets" him like I never could.

I've just had to let go and go on with my life. I don't expect to get any true apology from him and I'll just have to live with that.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! You were serious.

He's sorry he got caught. He was actually angry that I didn't wait for him to get over the OW; you know, if I'd just left it alone, he eventually would have dumped her.

It's the luck of the draw. Some waywards got it; others didn't. In this part of life we pulled the short stick.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 11:23 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
little turtle
♀ 15584
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH isn't sorry about what happened. He still blames OW for what happened. And me because I changed after having a baby. I'm sure he's sad that he doesn't have the family he always wanted, but he seems to enjoy his free time. There was a time that he begged for forgiveness and he did convince me that he'd change, but it didn't last. In the end, he couldn't do what I needed (minimal... he couldn't even go NC with OW) for us to reconcile.

I hope your confidence continues and your divorce process is as smooth as possible!

Failure is success if we learn from it.

3 boys: 11, 9, and 1.

Posts: 4799 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX is not sorry. He is only angrier than ever at me because this D is inconveniencing him & costing money.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

X was sorry he got caught. He was sorry that the life I built and managed for him came to an end. Truly sorry? Nope. When I told him I couldn't go on and that I wanted a divorce, he was out the door so fast all I saw was dust and hair flyin'. And he hasn't looked back. I guess it's so much easier for him to just stay in his comfortable little bubble than it would've been to do the hard work and fix himself. Oh well, it's his loss...

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
♂ 38655
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWW has no remorse wouldn't end A blames me tells everyone our marriage was over years ago .She too wanted to intro OM as new BF but I rained on that parade.She just made a scene at work yesterday went home crying texted me she was moving home .i had been cold and dark but I bought into her bullshit took her call she said I don't want the D I said its already done then she acted suicidal put her hang through curio cabinet glass texted me she was moving home I rushed home to make sure she wasn't hurting herself she said she wanted to save marriage in one breath then in the next said she couldn't trust me cause I led her to believe we would be friends which was her fantasy I went along with .is she sorry she said she was but her actions say different she's sorry she signed over kids and house in the fog but no real remorse.

Me47 BS
Her WW40
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep seeing this on the home page and the simple answer is oh, yes. He was never sorry, even that he got caught. He was plenty angry at the inconvenience of being caught and the messiness of my emotions which he just ignored or pretended were stupid and irrelevant.

The snarky answer is "HELL YES MY EX IS SORRY! He's the sorriest excuse for a human being to walk the planet."

Don't let his emotions define you or your worth.

Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine wasn't even sorry he got caught. Just smirked and moved out.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14452 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 29183
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine had no remorse or regret and moved on with his new life with OW as though I never existed. As painful as that was, it gave me ALL the reason in the world to make the decisions I made for myself and my children. Move forward for YOU.

3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
♀ 37542
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX is not remorseful or even empathetic. I'm the bad person taking his son away and divorcing him. He didn't do anything wrong. It was just a friendship and I'm overreacting. I didn't give our M a chance. He actually had the nerve to say he deserved another chance and he deserved to be my H. Too bad for him I have incredibly high standards, i.e. being with someone who is emotionally healthy and mature. I know, high maintenance.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by disillusioned12 at 9:10 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

BS (Me)
WS (H)
Married 5 yrs; Together 10 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold

Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 37556
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX never showed any signs of remorse either. Not one bit. He did try to tell me about his great joy with his new love. That ended the conversation.

He is kind of upset about how expensive it is to get a divorce. He seems particularly upset when faced with our DDs expenses. Then he is always "tapped out." I would so like to subpoena his credit card records and see how much he spends on the GF. However, I am going to forgo that pleasure if he agrees to my terms in mediation.

Me BS 55
Him WS 53
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine wasn't sorry, he even told me as he was wanting to "make the marriage" work (which was false R) that he wasn't repentitive because to repent would require him to remorseful and he wasn't sorry for what he did. That should have been a huge flaming red flag that R was not going to really work.

Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012
Exwh married his AP

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 813 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 27011
Member # 27011
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was sorry he got caught and the world could see the guy he really was, the guy he made sure he saved just for my viewing pleasure until that point.

And he is really sorry that he has to pay me a nice little chunk of change each month for spousal support.

So yes, he's sorry, just not sorry he lied and screwed around on me.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Immersed in my happily ever after : )
♂ 38245
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope! STBX really isn't sorry at all. not even sure she was sorry she got caught. She sort of acted sorry for a few weeks when Coworker AP dumped her, because he didn't want to lose his family. and we went to MC. This gave her time enough to stoke a relationship with another OM, in another state, a guy she dated in college.

So, no she's not sorry she got caught. She even told me that she wasn't remorseful at all for hurting me. Her head's so far up her own ass, she can't even see how badly this is hurting the kids. just says kids are resilient and they can go to counseling.

She also doesn't understand why we can't just be friends. yeah, like i want to be friends with someone that constantly lies and screws me over any chance she gets.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Divorce absolutely sucks, but if he's not sorry, it's really your best option, unfortunately.

Me: Creating a better life for myself
Her: Somebody else's problem
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 601 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWSO wasnt sorry, maybe a little regretful that it makes him a bad guy, but its justified cause you know he wasnt happy.

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 53
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