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What did you wish you should have done when you jfo?

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pendant posted 4/6/2013 15:48 PM

I simply hate that there are so many in raw pain at this time. So I want to propose that we help newbies to the forum, in the hope that they have a crutch/help/reason to smile.Add any advice to help on the slow weekends...
1. I wish that I knew what TT was-- and not believe both when they said that they were "just friends"
2. I wish I knew that when he said it only "happened twice" it was code for "we did it more than twice a week"
3. I wish I installed a key logger and changed the password
4. I wish I knew that the phone bill should be checked regularly

karmahappens posted 4/6/2013 15:51 PM

I wish I had found SI early on.

I wish I had trusted my gut.When you think they are full of shit....they are.

LadyQ posted 4/6/2013 15:55 PM

I wish that I had insisted that he get IC before we went to MC.

I wish that I had not "required" him to go to IC.

Maybe if I had given him the opportunity to choose what he wanted rather than force my will, he might have chosen differently.

I wish I would have listened to my gut and not ignored any of the red flags.

daledge posted 4/6/2013 15:55 PM

I wish I had trusted my instincts instead of him!

stillcrying4ever posted 4/6/2013 15:59 PM

The biggest thing is I wish I have found SI sooner also and next I wish I wouldn' t have believed him when he said it was over. It took 7 more months before there was NC.

daledge posted 4/6/2013 16:21 PM

If you don't know where you stand with someone, maybe it's time to stop standing and start walking!

HardenMyHeart posted 4/6/2013 16:31 PM

I wish I would have had more patience with myself and realize I needed to give myself the precious gift of time to heal.

Early after d-day, my world felt like it was falling part. Everything seemed so frantic; I was constantly in a state of panic. I believed I had to immediately fix everything at once. In hindsight, I now see things didn't have to be that way. I was my own worst enemy by creating my own anxiety and stress.

When it comes to healing from infidelity, patience is your friend and anger is poison.

roughroadahead posted 4/6/2013 16:34 PM

I wish I would have left immediately and filed for divorce.

solus sto posted 4/6/2013 16:42 PM

I wish I had asked him to leave. Immediately. The first time boundaries were crossed.

OK now posted 4/6/2013 17:00 PM

I wish I had understood at the time that its about power and the BS who is mentally strong enough to make critical, if unpleasant decisions, will probably dictate the outcome of this crisis.

Being weepy, needy and desperate hands control to the WS, which tends not to be good for the devastated BS.

HurtsButImOK posted 4/6/2013 17:10 PM

I wish I had not wanted to try and reconcile in the first few days of JFO. I realise now it was driven by ego at not losing such a "prize" .

It just gave him huge ego kibbles.

I also somewhat wish I didnt take the high road and act with such decency during the breakup. I know ultimately it was the best course for me but part of me wishes I had just been a bitch.

Luvlyla posted 4/6/2013 17:44 PM

This is a great idea!

1. i wish i called out ALL the lies there and then - if it doesnt add up, HE'S NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

2. I wish i had trusted my gut.

3. i wish i had been prepared to loose him. instead of clinging onto someone who was cheating. (he has since said if i had left him sooner he probably would have ended it sooner).

4. I wish i had the strength to know that its perfectly OK to lay out your boundaries and expect your partner to respect them - not negotiate with them.

5. when it was clear he wasn't going to respect my boundaries, I wish i had known what the 180 was and applied it two years ago, immediately. Here is the 180 for Newbies.


Luvlyla posted 4/6/2013 17:50 PM

Oh and i wish i had understood and believed that an Affair is more about the WS, his/her wants and needs - not the BS or even the OW.

The BS is NOT the failure here.
The OW is NOT the prize.
The WS is living in a fantasy world during an affair. and They are the ones who failed.

If i had known this i could have spared myself two years of comparing myself to OW and feeling inadequate.

It also would have stopped me taking any of the blame he tried to pile on me as an excuse.

isadora posted 4/6/2013 18:02 PM

I wish I wouldn't have tried to negotiate with him. I wish I would let go of the rope earlier. I wish I wouldn't have wasted time trying to fix me and instead focused on me and my healing.

sparklingwater posted 4/6/2013 18:13 PM

This is a great thread for us newbies, please keep posting.

leakingheart85 posted 4/6/2013 18:26 PM

I wish I had ignored my genuine love for her. The love died anyway and I was stuck.
In short I wish I had thrown her out and divorced her. What she did was not something I could forgive. It took me years to find that out.

mentalmess posted 4/6/2013 18:36 PM

I should have gotten tested for STDs immediately instead of believing him about using protection. I didn't go in until a week after d day.

mchercheur posted 4/6/2013 19:00 PM

I wish I had not been such a softie.
I did kick him out when I found out, but I let him come over every day, whenever he wanted, & see the kids. He even ate dinner with us most nights. He just wasn't sleeping here.
That was a big mistake.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

hobbeskat posted 4/6/2013 19:02 PM

I wish my first response hadn't ben calm forgiveness. A storm came aoon after.

jackie89 posted 4/6/2013 19:09 PM

I wish I looked on the internet for the word "Infidelity" - I kept looking up the word "betrayed" .....I would have found SI, and I would not been in the fog, denial, shock - that I was in for so long.

These good people would have helped me gather evidence, confront and end the Crazy Roller Coaster Ride!

Thank You SI

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