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I've been robbed......

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GrievingMommy posted 4/6/2013 20:55 PM

Now it's not THAT type of robbed, but yes I've been robbed. My 'new beginning' isn't helping.

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so damn lonely. Yes, friends are few and those I have are always busy with their SO's/husbands and children, but I knew there was more. I finally figured it out today. I don't have family to comfort me and just fill the void of feeling down/needing support.

Well, I do but in the name of religion (I was 'kicked out' of my religion of birth at 22 y/o), they don't speak to me nor are allowed to be around me. My older brother by two years, lives literally 15 minutes from me, and he's spoken to me maybe five times in the last 12 years. Most of those were at my G'Ma's funeral two years ago. My younger brother that is not of the religion does speak to me and see me, but he's in AZ and I'm in MN so we don't see each other much (maybe once/year).

Thankfully my parents choose to still speak to me. Having their only grandchildren facilitates that of course. But they aren't allowed to be seen in public with me or even hang out with them or have dinner with them. And they don't celebrate holidays so it's just me and my kids celebrating the holidays by ourselves. Yea, not that festive.

Put another way: since I was 22 y/o I haven't been able to do any mother-daughter things. No shopping together, lunches, etc. I feel the loss terribly. My parents are such sweet and loving people who are so caught up in their beliefs. They keep trying to get me to go back to it sicne I keep getting shit on in life (WXH, and now xBF).

I'm going to really try and make a point of meeting new people and trying to broaden my network but it's been a struggle for years. Now add in that I'm single again after a year and a half = really sucks.

The rest of our family fell apart after my Gma died.

I'm tired of feeling sad and lonely and like I'm missing out on friends and more importantly, my family.

I really don't think anyone would really even notice if I disappeared (I can go days with no texts/communication).

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:44 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Kajem posted 4/6/2013 21:11 PM


WE would notice if you disappeared.. I notice anyway.

I have a goal to smile at someone I do not know each day. To talk to someone I do not know (well) once a week... invite someone to something.. once a month.

The exercise goal is to get me interacting with people in real life. I spend sooo much time on my computer that meeting people really can cause me anxiety. Going out of my way is a lesson in anxiety control for me. Each time gets easier, isn't easy.

And I am to do this in person... not online...that doesn't count in this little exercise.

This is helping me... one small step at a time.

And I may not post to your threads, I look for you. and I would miss your posts...



GrievingMommy posted 4/6/2013 21:47 PM

Thanks Kajem for replying. Those are great ideas to try and reach out and keep connected to people!

I'm just feeling so down.

(I have no idea if this should be left here or OT?)

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:47 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

tesla posted 4/6/2013 22:26 PM


I hear you on feeling isolated. It's hard to reach out and try to get connected to people IRL. I actually went back to IC for a few sessions to talk out some of my fears and inhibitions of socializing.

I'm very close to asking a coworker if she wants to hang out some evening and have a beer. It's just hard to feel comfortable and trust people. And I would imagine with what happened with your family, that makes it even more difficult for you!

But know this, those kiddos of yours think holidays are festive...because they get to celebrate them and do special things with mom. And what you do with them in their childhood they will pass on as adults.

Jrazz posted 4/6/2013 22:44 PM


Nature_Girl posted 4/6/2013 22:45 PM


The worship leader at my church is in a similar situation. Divorced, has kids, his family normally will not socialize with him due to religious differences. It hurts him so much.

He's working hard to make an entirely new kind of family. Sounds like you're needing to do the same thing.

I'm doing it too, although at least my family hasn't rejected me due to religious differences.

cmego posted 4/7/2013 07:32 AM

I think isolation is a part of the divorce fallout. You have a compounded problem with your family.

I have a very small family (just my Mom and sister left) and although they are a little over an hour away, I may hear/see from them once a month. We just aren't close. It bothers me, but...well, it is what it is.

I can go a day or two sometimes without another adult interaction at all. Kids and dog, that is it. Since I am a natural introvert, I have to force myself to leave the house, and interact with other people. Make dates with my, dinner, playdates, etc.

Hang in there!

Luvlyla posted 4/7/2013 08:21 AM


Newlease posted 4/8/2013 16:55 PM

My parents are deceased and I have one sister who lives close and another who lives far away.

But I have developed another family through a charity organization that I belong to. They are the BEST! I could call any of them in the middle of the night and they would come running.

You can belong to a family of your own choosing. Try doing some charity work, join a gym, other parents, - you can do it!


cissi posted 4/8/2013 17:14 PM

Do you have time to get involved in a local nursing home or even an assisted living place? I used to work with a bunch of elderly folks and every single one of them became like family to me. Perhaps you can find a special elderly woman to fill the void you have with your mother? I always tell my daughter, who is an only child, that we make our family in this life.

Good luck to you. I think it's just horrible that this was done to you, all in the name of religion.

NaiveAgain posted 4/8/2013 20:59 PM

(((GM)))I'm so sorry for the loss of your family. I understand the isolation feeling. My WS moved me 45 minutes away from my nearest family member into a rural location with no one that I knew around. It took me a few years to make friends and become a part of the community, but I worked very hard to make a new family and be able to feel connected here. It does take hard work and reaching out.

Becoming involved in my community helped me get to know people in my area and I made some very good friends here.

Family doesn't have to be blood relatives. Family are the ones that care about you, the ones that call to make sure you are okay, the ones that love you FOR your quirks and regardless of your religion/age/culture/race/sexual identity.

One thing I've learned in my NB is that you are never too old to make new family members, and sometimes you can find them in the most amazing places.

cayc posted 4/8/2013 22:16 PM

I can definitely understand how you are feeling/relate to the isolation and obvious feeling of lack of support.

I don't have children and have no immediate family to speak of. I truly am "by myself" with no one but friends to turn to. Friends who do not live where I do so it's not like I can go meet them somewhere.

And it makes it hard too because I often feel let down by my friends since I need them so much and in ways I know they don't understand b/c they have families. So I struggle with being lonely, trying to express it appropriately and not be so needy that I scare off the few people I do have in my life.


better4me posted 4/9/2013 09:02 AM

(((GM))) I struggle with isolating myself and loneliness too. I too am trying to broaden my network and find ways of not being lonely even when I am alone. It is difficult and one of the suckiest things to come out of the divorce...having someone to "do things" with was one of my favorite parts of being married...and even though there are at least 350 things I didn't like about being married to him...that one thing is difficult to replace.

Kajem posted 4/9/2013 10:03 AM


Thru out my divorce (my kiddos were older than yours) I would trade off sitting with other mom's. Not always single moms either. I would watch their kids one night, and they would watch mine. A lot of time I didn't go anything with anyone. I did go and test drive convertible cars for fun...and take myself to the beach - its my go to place for soul rejuvenation.

As a result of these arrangements I have created a village that helped me raise my kids. Not all the parents were my best friends, but they were people I trusted with my kids and they helped to instill and exemplify the ideals I wanted my kids exposed to.

My kids as they have grown (3 now in college, 4th will be there in the fall) have benefitted from having these people in their lives. and so have I.



GrievingMommy posted 4/9/2013 21:22 PM

Thank you all for reaching out to me and replying. I LOVE this group! You've had a huge role in my suriving D-Day and now on to the rest of my NB.

I'll have to save this thread and keep rereading it.

idkam posted 4/10/2013 10:08 AM

GM- i believe i know what religion you are refferring too, if i'm wrng i apologize....i was apart of that same group since 1996 because my ex was one too...i have not been to any meeting in over 5 yrs so i'm considered "inactive not disfellowshipped".... Most of my friends were/ are in the same religion. so i had to make new friends....

I have reconnected with my family bc duting my marriage and afterwards i was so wrapped up in meeting snd assemblies i didnt have time for wordly things....i

I have to swy im more happier now than ever... I wish you lived closer so we could be friends in real life....

Hang in there it takes time to adjust to the "new single norm" again but guess what?? You will adjust and make new friends...

Take care

GrievingMommy posted 4/11/2013 21:57 PM

idkam, Yup your guess is correct. I'm glad you're happy now! Making friends is the tough part for me it seems.

It seems like few are near me. It's always nice to hang out with people who've been where we've been, ya know?

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