Maybe that's how it has to be - the "you have to go through it to get through it" thing. But it's hard and I think it's part of the wall I've been hitting now that I'm feeling like I'm past DDay, D and XWH for the most part.
My IC says that empty nesting, moving, and changing careers, all within three months of each other last fall is a lot to deal with. Maybe now that I've had the time to settle into it a little, the after affects are just starting to really hit me. The biggest being the fact that, except for work, I am alone most of the time.
I have friends who I spend time with, but the time at home alone is hard. I have a BF, but he has his kids every other week, so we only see each other on the alternate weeks. And now he's starting to travel internationally for work, so it's even less.
I've joined a new Meetup group that I plan to actually participate in. I'd like to meet some new people.
But I'm interested in other's experience in how they dealt with the loneliness thing.
ETA - Please excuse my misspelling of "Loneliness" LOL.
[This message edited by persevere at 10:18 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.
Estranged from most of my family, so I've learned to make a new family out of the people around me who care about me ... Mostly co workers. I'm very blessed to be part of a wonderful crew.
I guess I'm a bit of an introvert, and quite cerebral, so that means I get a lot of joy out of studying, being back in school, researching and writing.
Also spend a lot of time with my TV in the winter.
At first I resisted the idea that being without a mate was even possible.
Now I can hardly imagine making the time for one LOL.
Lately I've been fairly social, going out for regular happy hours and dinner with my peeps from work and school.
And I love coming home, closing the door and being alone.
I think it's a lot tougher for folks with kids who leave the nest, the transition can be unsettling.
It's a process.
I think having a lot of hobbies helps.
My hobbies are a things I can do alone and at home.
1. Gym 3x per week
2. Joined a running group (1x per week) + running alone 3-4x per week
3. Volunteer (meet 1x per week)
4. Photography course (meet 2x per month but try to practice at least 1x week)
5. Read (I LOVE to read)
6. Stay in touch with my family and friends (as I live in another town far away - at least 2x per month)
7. Try not to say no to a social invitation (usually get an unexpected one 1x month)
8. Do my therapy homework (30 min EVERY DAY)
That keeps me pretty busy but no so busy that I am overwhelmed. I also want to start a creative writing course soon.
If you don't know what to do, why don't you start a bucket list: list all the things you ever want to do, list all the steps for each thing that you need to do to achieve the goal and start working on each step.
ETA: it sounds like you already have social interactions and want more in order to feel less lonely. But in my opinion, being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. I think it is important for you to find things to do alone that will make you happy. When you feel comfortable doing things by yourself and actually start looking forward to your "me time" you will feel much less lonely even though you are alone.
[This message edited by Sunnie at 5:46 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]
I have friends that I do things with, but there is an empty spot in my life that is sometimes hard to ignore.
There are days on the weekends that go by without ever speaking to another human being. And there are times that I can't remember the last time that I've touched another person.
I'd like to say that it gets better, but I guess you just get used to it.
So, I plan an outing; it doesn't help immediately but if I have something to look forward to, I know it's going to get better.
If all else fails, I drink...
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
I try to remind myself we might feel lonely but, we are never alone. We have all our fellow SIers :-D
I make sure I see my family at least once a week. I don't have kids but, I do have a 92 yo father.
I joined a grief group through church and I have made some caring friends.
I try to spoil my dog by a long weekend walk.
I joined a meetup group.
I work on a project in my house or craft project.
I read and watch TV. (I don't advocate TV but, I'm guilty)
Truth is like surgery, it hurts but heals. A Lie is like a painkiller. It gives instant relief but has side effects forever.
However, one thing I haven't seen mentioned explicitly yet (so maybe it's just true for me and not for other people) is that when I do feel kind of lonely, it's when I'm doing a passive, rather than an active, hobby.
For example, if I spend the weekend at home and basically just read, that makes me feel more lonely than if I run, paint, go to a museum, etc. Even if those more active hobbies are just done at home. (Note: I do read a lot, but make sure to do other things over the weekend as well.)
Just sitting there watching TV seems strange and rather lonely, but if I'm knitting a scarf while watching, the time flies by and I don't even notice that I'm alone.
So I guess I'd recommend trying to pick up a more active hobby or two (and I don't even mean active as in running -- though I pretty much always recommend that as a great hobby) but something that keeps your hands and mind active, like knitting, making mosaics, painting, puzzles, sudoku, sculpture, weaving, sewing, etc.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
I see my IC and this is a main topic. She's supportive but also big on "baby steps" since a lot has happened in the past couple years. Don't be too hard on yourself is a biggie here. What I'm noticing is that overall, I'm a lot happier being alone than I used to be. Like hurtinky, I vote for hobbies. I've taken up soap making and knitting. And I'm volunteering at the local cat shelter so that I don't adopt anymore cats myself
I think you're already doing good things to conquer your loneliness. That whole damn "Time" thing is a key here, unfortunately.
when I do feel kind of lonely, it's when I'm doing a passive, rather than an active, hobby.
Have you ever read "Inside-out healing : transforming your life through the power of presence" by Richard Moss?