A little less than two hours ago, I turned 50.
I don't "do" birthdays. Ten years ago, I was MISERABLE when I turned 40. H and I were separated, he was close to death, I had lost everything, was broke and on food stamps. And I looked and felt like shit.
Even after WXH reconciled (after he got sober, but before cheating)...things were never right in the marriage. By two years ago, we were both miserable. I wanted to work on the marriage, he wanted to work on a new girlfriend.
The demolition of my 25 year marriage finally happened when I was 48. I tried hard to save the marriage. He did not. The same month of D Day, DS was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer. What hurt even more than leaving me was watching my son be abandoned by his dad during his hour of greatest need.
So began over a year of hell. But I'm a doer. I read books...lots of them. Getting Past Your Breakup helped the most. I began exercising, a lot. I found SI....the single biggest thing that got me through each day. I got out to do things, even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. I cared for my son....he had to drop out of college and come home. I nursed him through two surgeries, complications, and the greater agony of losing his dad.
I wrote up the divorce papers without a peep from WXH. I cut costs, got a lower costing car and refi-ed my home somthat I could stay in it. I took care of business. I am financially safe.
I cried, a lot. I was angry, a lot. But I kept plugging away. I never had a desire to date or meet anyone...I was in full time healing mode. I went to IC...and learned how I contributed to a lousy marriage. I worked on making myself a better person.
And then one day....the tide turned. My son got better....I felt better, physically. I felt safer, financially. I felt happy with myself, emotionally. I reached the point of indifference with WXH. Somehow cut that last, emotionally wrenching tie to him. We are total NC...I rarely think of him. When he told me he was going on a trip to the Caribbean with OW, I was fine. Not my business anymore, nor do I care.
And now, turning 50, I find myself happier than ever. I love my life! I feel healthy and fit. I'm proud that I have TCOB. And it shows. Two strangers today commented on how "radiant" I look! I'm happy inside, and it shows.
I have no need for a man...definitely not for a relationship. I don't need a Mr. Right, nor will I look for one. My happiness comes from within ME. But I've been lucky enough to find a yummy and delicious Mr. Right Now. How nice it is to be appreciated by a man....not necessary, but nice. When it ends with him, I will be happy for the time spent together...and keep on enjoying this wonderful, happy life of mine!
I NEVER would have imagined that I would not only feel good turning 50, but better than ever before!
There can be peace, love, and happiness in NB....it just takes time...
And the help of friends....like SI. The xmas card exchange, alone, touched my heart.
Thank you SI peeps, for being there. For offering advice and being non judgemental when I screw something up.
I'm fabulous and 50, and I couldn't be happier!!!
