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Why is he fine?!

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ALittleLost posted 4/7/2013 10:30 AM

He lost everything ...
- living with his kids
- his home
- his job
- his AP(s)?!
- his health
- his future security
- his relationship with his own family
- his image

But he seems fine. He has effectively 180'd me. I am moving forward with D, but it doesn't seem to bother him.

Why is it that he is fine and I am a mess?! (All I lost was a cheating lying wh ....)

[This message edited by ALittleLost at 4:59 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

tesla posted 4/7/2013 10:47 AM

Because you are dealing with the pain and if he's like a typical unremorseful wayward, he's deep in denial.

It sucks. And it doesn't seem fair...because it's not. One of these times when you catch yourself wondering why he is fine, you'll stop yourself mid-thought and think, "Why am I wasting so much of my mental energy on this piece of shit?"

Keep moving forward with D. Keep working on your pain and healing.


courageous posted 4/7/2013 12:33 PM

But is he really fine or just in denial? Once reality comes crashing in he won't be looking fine.

In divorce care, they mention that when people don't deal with the pain and hurt in divorce it's like they are walking around on a broken leg. They have used Novocain for the pain so they tell everyone they are fine; they don't change anything in their life. Until one day they look down to see that that simple broken leg has now become infected and damaged beyond any repair and they have to lose the leg to survive.

You are dealing with the pain head on so it will hurt for a while. As the saying goes you can't heal what you don't feel.


Happydays posted 4/7/2013 12:45 PM

There can be one more thing though.
And I can say this with conviction.

There are people who will be burning with fear and anxiety from inside, but, have mastered the art of not revealing it. Not giving that pleasure to you. My FWW was just one example.

She used to whistle out of her room after her call with OM. I was shattered by her confidence. I wondered how she could be so cool even after d day.

Until I installed the listening device in her room, PI gave me.. She told OM on multiple occasions that she was scared and didn't want to talk about what i am going to do next.

I could make out OM was wetting his pants too as she told OM : don't worry he will not do anything.

SBB posted 4/7/2013 16:43 PM

Things look different from the outside looking in.

His version of 'moving on' or even 'happy' are not my version - I would not be happy with the situation he is in now. I would not be happy being the person he is, I would not be happy having done what he has done, doing what he is now doing.

Do not measure yourself on outward appearances of a broken POS. Focus on YOUR healing, YOUR happiness, YOUR life, YOUR NB.

In time what he does or doesn't do/feel will not matter one iota to you.

ALittleLost posted 4/8/2013 11:18 AM

Thanks all.

Tesla - I ask myself that every day! I was doing pretty well, but am definitely using up too much energy on him lately. He is sucking my soul.

Courageous - thanks, that was something I needed to hear. There are days when the pain is almost unbearable. I don't understand how he can walk away from his two beautiful boys, but he has. Perhaps the only way he can cope is to stay in denial.

Happydays - I think you are right. He probably is not showing it to me; it is one more way for him to hurt/manipulate me.

StrongButBroken - you are right. Maybe he is "happy", but it is not my version either. Hope I can get the point where I don't care soon.

His parents have been here all week. They were wonderful, but just their presence made things hard. I don't feel great about it, but I let them know more details than they probably should and they are hurting. They both cried several times. (They say he is no longer welcome in their lives/home; I am guessing this is temporary as he will lie and manipulate them) I have been questioning my motives and there are 3:
- I need their support (he is being a bit difficult on settlement terms and he will listen to them)
- I want their understanding (teacher's pet character flaw). This is 3rd strike for my wh - I want them to know I did try.
- A tiny part of me is hoping their disapproval will knock him out of the fog and he will realize what is at stake and what he is losing (and he will do anything and everything to fix it) I know this is unrealistic and at this point even if it did happen, it would probably not be the ultimate best outcome.

I am really having trouble understanding how he could lose everything that was "important" to him and be so happy - or if not happy, "fine" anyway. More and more I am realizing that I don't know this person at all

suckstobeme posted 4/8/2013 15:02 PM

It's very hard to accept, isn't it? I know exactly how you feel.

Oddly enough, one thing that helped me in accepting this was an admission by my exWH. Believe me, he has never admitted to much, but he did say something post D that made a lot of what people say about compartmentalizing and blocking out the bad make sense. Here is what he said:

We were having a disagreement about the kids and I was speaking to him over the phone, which is rare. I can't even recall all of the details, but it became clear that he avoids me like the plague and keeps things from me about the kids until its too late for me to do anything about it. In other words, he will avoid direct conversations and just deal with the fall out later. Go figure ...

So, I said to him, "you know what I think? I think that you avoid talking to me about even the slightest things because you are afraid you will remember who I really am. You are afraid you will remember me." His response - "I know I do that."

So, if there is anything to take away from his response, it's an admission by a very conflict avoidant, master compartmentalizer that this is how they cope. Again, hard to imagine that this is how an adult mind will work, but it's from the horse's mouth. So, despite how they appear, there's a lot going on in their minds to avoid what's happening. Some avoid it forever. It's just a sign of their infantile attitudes and coping mechanisms. Like everything else having to do with infidelity, it has nothing to do with you.

lost4now posted 4/8/2013 15:44 PM

I think that the WS does not really know or understand what they are losing. If they did....they wouldn't be having the A to begin with! OR...they simply do not value it. others here have said, he SEEMS fine but really he has to go with the feeling of fine because the only other option is facing himself and what he has done.

NikkiD posted 4/8/2013 16:29 PM

He's not. He is just better at acting like he is.

movingfast posted 4/8/2013 17:43 PM

I truly hope one day stbxwh will realize all that his choices have cost him. However, as of the other day, in his own words, he said, "I'm more at peace now than I've been since this whole thing started." It was like a knife in my heart.

He has replaced me with ow in his daily life (he bounced between us and set up "house" with her directly after moving out). He fired me and hired ow back to work (and I'm still unemployed!). And, he sees the kids only once or twice a week. It's painful to know that by replacing me with ow makes him "at peace", but it breaks my heart to know that he's also at peace when he is missing out on so much with our children. In the past, it was the kids that would bring him home, but it seems he's gotten past that.

I am not miserable, but I am unemployed. I do not look forward to growing old by myself. However, each and every day I am thankful that I have my wonderful children to share my life with. I still have days when the kids make me smile, but my heart is crying, but I wouldn't trade a moment with my children for even a second of stbxwh's "peace".

ALittleLost posted 5/18/2013 05:05 AM

So ..... He was/is fine because he has a plan B. For all his talk of wanting to work it out, I recently found out he never cut off contact and now they are back together. Thank God for this site - thank God I was watching his actions and not listening to his words. Thank God I have been moving forward on the path to D and healing.

SBB posted 5/18/2013 07:18 AM


Even though it is so common I still can't work out why they would profess to want to R yet continue to put us through this shit again rather than just let us go.

Realising that he was cheating during False R was even more painful than DD. You think after seeing the pain on DD they'd never put us through that again.

Then again - cheaters lie, liars cheat.

No more info now. NC also includes no info/goss, no cyber stalking - nothing.

NC = no new hurts.

tesla posted 5/18/2013 08:46 AM


I am glad you have this site too!
It hurts seeing that they hedge their bets so they can have a soft place to land. But I'm glad you listened to his actions and have set yourself on the path of healing.

nomistakeaboutit posted 5/18/2013 09:39 AM

It is incredibly difficult to understand how they came seem to be so fine. I agree with Tesla for the reasons why. My only other thought is that they are different people than we thought they were. We never really knew them, although we thought we did. So, it's somewhat like trying to figure out how an acquaintance or stranger could do something. I don't know. It blows my mind, too.

popitdaddy posted 5/18/2013 11:39 AM

My STBXWW also seemed fine the actual day of D-Day a mere hours after the confrontation. Part of it is that these waywards have already resolved LONG ago to leave the marriage (in their hearts or otherwise) and the effects of the affair are not new to them like they are for us.

Don't try to understand these selfish border-line sociopaths. We don't understand them because we're better than them.

Jayne Doe posted 5/18/2013 12:40 PM

He's not fine.

He is just telling himself that he is.

One day the reality will hit him and for a moment, and it just may be a moment, he will show you it hurts.

After 2 years, I got that moment. It was short. Very short. But for one minute, I got it. You will too Lost.

They are able to lie to themselves as well. That's how they convinced themselves that it was okay to cheat in the first place.

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