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Its how I always feel. I read, I dig, I talk through things I discover about me that I don't like, things that I know have led me down this path. I think of times you tell white lies and if I do I feel like I'm being a wayward again and even if its just telling my mom I'm fine even though I was crying 10 minutes before but I hate knowing she's worrying about me. So then I tell her I was crying and I'm not fine and she tells me to stop analyzing every action or word or I'll go crazy. I keep thinking I'm doing well and the memories of my actions hit me and I want to throw up again, I am so damn tired.

Work on me.
Work on school.
Work on finding a job.
Work on relationships.
Work on family.
Work on making R successful.

Work work work work work work....

Can't I take a break? Can't I lay the load down for one day and just be relaxed? Can't I get a full night of sleep? Can't I rest? I'm so tired.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity party I'm just...tired.

There are three legs to a balanced stool.

In my case, I have a name for each leg.
One is the mind
one is the body
one is the soul

If I give greater emphasis to any one particular leg, then my balance is lost and my efforts become "work".

I must take time to edify each one of the legs equally.

When I'm struggling, a simple set of questions help me to see what might be off balance.

(H)Am I too Hungry
(A)Am I Angry
(L)Am I feeling Lonely
(T)Am I just Tired

These are called the HALT principle.

When one of these can be answered with a yes, then it's affecting each leg of the stool.

Eat
Seek Peace
Enjoy anothers company
Get a good nights sleep by going to bed early.

Card, thanks for the Halt Principle. I need to use this too.

First off, (((Unagie))).
I get the tiredness, the complete physical and mental and emotional exhaustion. And its OK to feel that way, just don't let it take you over. We're only human, we can only take so much, I think even though you're exhausted hun, you are still managing to recognize little things that dragged you down that wayward path before, but that's it, that's the huge difference between now and then! You recognize the pattern, and are not going back there!

I hear ya about the responsibility and lack of sleep, I think most nights I manage 5-6 hrs, broken up over a period of 10hrs... and the worst part about that whole cycle is the missing sleep. It just magnifies everything 100x!

Is it possible for you to get to bed a little earlier and spend some quiet, restful time, even if you aren't asleep, just at rest. Just some time to relax. Make a hot cup of tea, put on some fuzzy PJ's and close your eyes. Find a time of peace in your life and focus directly on how you felt at that moment, and take deep breaths. Deep breaths always help!

I'm sorry you're exhausted hun! You're going to be OK, its just so hard to see out when we're stuck inside that mindset.

IMO, sometimes you need a little pity party, just make sure you don't let it turn into a bender.

Card, I need to apply that HALT principle directly to my life! Thank you!

Can't I take a break? Can't I lay the load down for one day and just be relaxed? Can't I get a full night of sleep? Can't I rest? I'm so tired.

I'm feeling the same, Unagie.
Though I often think that if I do this it is going to be perceived as running away.
I think Card's HALT principle is a good method to try, though going to bed early to get a good night's sleep will only work if the mind is free of trouble.