SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

FoolishBeliever posted 4/7/2013 12:12 PM

After losing our jobs, and our apartment. My fiance, our son, and I were forced to move back home.

My son and I moved to my parents, and she moved to her grandmothers.

For 5 months this is the situation I believed was true. We were still reconciling a prior very recent infidelity on her part.

Yesterday was one of the most painful moments in my life. My fiance called me at 3 am.
After 3 days of her being gone, not coming home, not answering texts or calls.

Only it was not her calling me but her "boyfriend" calling me to let me know that for the past 2 months she has been living with him at his house. going there every night, and that they have been having sex every day. In the same 2 months she was still sexually active with me.

I was in shock, she had been with me and my son nearly every day if she didn't have "work", it was only at night that she would leave to go sleep at her grandmothers. Which for a few months was the truth.

I met her when I was 17, I'm 24 now. I know that I was very young and foolish and that is what led me to be so easy for her to manipulate. I wanted to believe she could always be sweet, loving, and honest. But when I look back those times were few and far between.

But it hurts me so badly, because I loved her , and I believed her, and I wanted my son to always have his Mom and Dad together. We were best friends and in love, at least in my world.

As a man I feel like I've lost something inside.

She has 2 kids from previous relationships. My son is the third, she isn't the primary caregiver for any of them. She leaves her oldest to her mom, her son to her second ex, and my son to me. It was always something I argued with her about. I sometimes even thought inside that if she could treat her kids this way then it explains a lot about how she treats me.

I tried my best to communicate to her my goals, beliefs and morals. I worked hard to pay our bills by myself when she would get fired for idiotic reasons. I even kept our home clean, since she was always too "tired" to do so.

And now today I am lonely and sad, During our relationship I lost touch with all my friends. Which were not many too begin with. But on the bright side I do have my son, and my family.

I know that I am on my way to success, and she will be a joke i tell in the future.

But right now I feel like dying.

TrustGone posted 4/7/2013 12:24 PM

I know how heartbreaking this can be, especially when kids are involved. Yes, the very fact that she doesn't have her other kids should have been a big red flag, which hopefully you will watch out for in any future relationships. It sounds like she is hopping from one man to the next. You are lucky to have your son and your family for support. They will get you through this. She has some serious issues that she needs to work on and you can't fix her. None of this is your fault and don't let anyone make you believe it is. Hang in there and go NC with her. See an attorney about child custody and CS. Keep posting and reading. This site and people on it are very supportive and will give you good advice. Read in the healing library in the left corner. It has some very useful information. You are young and one day this will be just a bad memory for you. (((HUGS)))

wanttogoforward posted 4/7/2013 12:30 PM

I know this is hard right now... but look at some of the things you said... she doesn't have her own children with her, she can't keep a job, and she is now with her x... these are indications of a seriously messed up person in all areas of her life. (sorry for the 2x4).... Keep strong for your won child... show your child the stability he/she needs.... and someday the perfect person to be a partner to you and mom to your son will be found.... it's just not likely to be her. She needs to work on her own issues right now..... we all looked at our spouses cheating as the end of our world... and it was for that part.... new opportunities arise... and you will go on to be happy again... it just takes time.

FoolishBeliever posted 4/7/2013 12:44 PM

Thank you for taking time to respond.

I guess the part that hurts me the most right now is knowing that these past 2 months which from my perspective were us moving forward, she has been lying to my face, having a whole separate life, all while keeping me just close enough so she wouldn't have to ever be alone.

Betrayed444 posted 4/7/2013 12:47 PM

So sorry to hear a out this. Stay strong. What is her explanation of this and why did he call you?

FoolishBeliever posted 4/7/2013 12:52 PM

He called me from her phone, i assume to tell me about there new life together, she was too much of a coward to even say anything to me herself even to this moment. All she said was " yes , its all true" and then hung up on me.

She hasn't even asked about our son.

The few one sentence texts she did send

Im lost.
Im afraid I cant ever change.
Leave 40$ in the mailbox .

[This message edited by FoolishBeliever at 12:57 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

karmahappens posted 4/7/2013 12:59 PM

I am so sorry Foolish, really sorry.

This is all on her, she is broken, not you.

Continue to be a great dad to your son...the pain will end and you will heal through this.

I agree with your thoughts that her treating her kids poorly is a huge big red flag!! How a mom can just abandon children amazes me.

Your son will be lucky to have a stable home with you, lean on family and come here when you need to vent.

(((hugs)))

Getting to Happy posted 4/7/2013 13:17 PM

Im lost.
Im afraid I cant ever change.
Leave 40$ in the mailbox .

Leave 40$?!?

Drop her like a bad habit! And no more money for her! You have your child, your not married. You have no further reason to support her.

She is admits herself that she is broken and crazy! Believe. Her.

Take your son and RUN! And don't look back!

Dark Inertia posted 4/7/2013 13:24 PM

Please go after child support and don't give her anymore money. She is trying to play you for a putz.

fallingquickly posted 4/7/2013 13:28 PM

I, and many others here, know the pain of thinking you are both working on your relationship only to find out you are the only one. I'm glad you found out so quickly. It took me over a year to find out he was still lying to me and still having contact with OW. It is heartbreaking to find out you are so wrong about someone you love.

I am happy for you that you have your son and a supportive family. You can reconnect with old friends and make new ones. Build your life and be happy. I know we will all be more cautious when we get in new relationships. That makes me sad. For me, I may never commit to someone else. I'm not sure I have it in me. But that doesn't mean I won't be happy. I'm not there yet. Big work in progress.

5454real posted 4/7/2013 13:34 PM

Hey brother, welcome to the best club you never wanted to join. the best advice I can offer right now is get to an attorney immediately. Establish the fact that she has abandoned the family for over 2 months. you are going to need to establish custody early because I'm sure she will fight when it comes time for her to pay you child support.

sorry you're here. Welcome to the club!

strength

Eta it can be done. I got custody of my son from my first wife. she had to pay me 360 a month for 14 years. the saddest part of that is that she was not upset that I had custody, but rather that she had to pay me child support.

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:39 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

keptmyword posted 4/7/2013 19:54 PM

I sometimes even thought inside that if she could treat her kids this way then it explains a lot about how she treats me.

Bingo! Yes.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. She seems quite broken and in constant pursuit of validation and self-worth from other people.

She needs help big-time and she knows it. You need to affirm to your self that you should not accept this shit in your and your child's life and you know it.

Get away from her contagion and get started on a cleaner, honest, and authentic life for you and your son. And, from here on out - expect better.

jimbo25319 posted 4/7/2013 21:17 PM

Here's what you should do:
Get down on your knees and thank God you did not M this woman. He has given you two gifts:
1. A wonderful child
2. He showed you her true nature prior to you marring her

Your fiance' is totally lost. IMO is not worth your while to wait around for her to "fix herself". Odds are she stay broken for life.
Your first priority should be to get custody of your child. You need to go to the court and do that ASAP.

MoreThanMe posted 4/7/2013 21:23 PM

Imagine how awesome it would be to have a real relationship and be a dad? If you don't- I hope you will soon- know that this isn't about you. It's about her. She's sick.
I'd be willing to bet that you'll look back- she'll be a long lost memory-and you'll why you would EVER shed a tear over someone so emotionally unhealthy/unstable.

Not that this doesn't suck- I know must. :

[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 9:24 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 4/7/2013 21:31 PM

(((Believer)))

I am going to tell you something. Dying is the last thing your child needs...How do I know this?

My WH is having an affair with a woman whose husband KILLED HIMSELF and the other man 15 years ago.

YEP> It didn't even stop her!!! She is doing the same thing to the current husband--- the man who raised her daughter since she was 2!! The daughter who had to grow up without her dad!!!Her dad missed everything and the OW bitch gets to enjoy this beautiful child while possibly setting her up to lose another DAD!!!

So,,, my philosphy was during this past year was that I was the person who was going to raise my children because I deserved to watch these beautiful children grow up -- not my mfH and the OW from hell.

Also, believe it or not your son being so young will be used to her not living there and it will really be easier on him than my 15 year old who had a 15 year childhood and traditions and memories that are now TOTALLY screwed up. He has dropped some of his sports, won't eat at the dinner table, can't believe his Dad took the OW to our lake house, etc etc.

Please grieve and then work very hard at enjoying the blessings of a child. There's lots to live for--his sports or music interests, hunting, fishing, etc. You are going to give him a great childhood and he will be a great dad because of you.!!!!

Brokenheart777 posted 4/7/2013 21:31 PM

FoolishBeliever,
I'm so sorry that you are here. But you have found a place to help you grieve and get through the mess that is occurring. We all know your pain. If you haven't already, please read the articles and FAQs in the Healing Library in the upper left of the page. There is a lot in there that will help you start to wrap your head around the betrayal that you are going through. It has helped me greatly.

None of this has to do with you. A healthy person doesn't leave their children and cheat on their SO.

FoolishBeliever posted 4/8/2013 10:37 AM

This is what she txted me this morning.

I still care! I will always care!

I hate this

I hate that I've done this!

How can I stop, it's done it won't be forgiven you can't forgive that, I know you won't

I want our life back.

Help me
--------------

It makes me sick, she has this whole new relationship that she began while we were still together. that is hurting me so badly, she is and has been living with this person, her life never missed a beat, she went right from me to this guy, with not even one day of separation. We were together for seven years. I am so depressed that I can hardly function.

[This message edited by FoolishBeliever at 11:18 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

keptmyword posted 4/8/2013 11:09 AM

That text could have come from my STBXWW as well - and also at the same time as she was with the affair guy.

DO NOT fall for this bullshit. She's sending you this shit because she wants you to keep pining for her so she has both her affair guy and you vying for her fucked-upness. That's her version of validation and self-worth.

You are not married to her - that is fucking fantastic! Trust me! You should EASILY win custody of your son - if there was any contest.

I know it hurts right now but you will see what a good thing it was that this happened before you were legally married to her.

OK now posted 4/8/2013 12:34 PM

Move on and eject this self-destructive lady from your life. She will always cheat and betray whoever she lives with; make sure that person is no longer you.

As for her pathetic texts, they are designed to get you to keep her in your life mainly for financial assistance. Please ignore her foolish meanderings and shut the door on this poisonous relationship.

If you take her back there will be more pain. As she stated, she cannot change; among all the lies this is the one item of truth.

Getting to Happy posted 4/8/2013 12:52 PM

As for her pathetic texts, they are designed to get you to keep her in your life mainly for financial assistance.

THIS^^^

I know it hurts but you are pining for someone who does not exist. Hold your head up, take care of your boy and walk away. Don't look back.

Today is Monday, use today to start the custody and child support papers.

There is a shinning future out there waiting for you!