True. I'm asking for his story. Maybe it is time I heard it.
I have no idea what it was like for him to have to struggle with being gay. He didn't let me share the story, he held me in place for his own use, "protecting me".
I am so tired of him. Just...exhausted.
OK...so here is what has been creeping in. I have been talking to the only guy I let in, G, again. He has been back, but really only in a friendship capacity while we kinda figure things out. Last week, after a few beers, he sent me a text telling me that he has been in love with me since we first dated, tried to get me out of his head and heart, but wasn't able. We are both still reeling from his confession and currently are licking our wounds. That night that "it all came out", we texted for 3 hours, and he said that he needed "all of me".
TMI...but here it goes. I can't let guys "go down there". WS refused to do oral sex on me. He said I was overweight, wasn't pleasant, smelled, whatever his excuse of the day was for not having sex with me. So, I then thought no men really liked it.
Enter SO last year....I couldn't do it. He wanted to, and I couldn't. He was referring to this in our conversation the other night. He said, "I can't be in WS's shadow, you have to work through this". I think I'm better now, I am feeling more open to the idea, I am more confident about my looks and generally just more "me". But, this terrifies me.
All the guys I've dated, only one got physical. The last guy, who was a fWS, he tried to kiss me on the last date, and I turned my head. I poofed on him after that. Sorta...he told me to call him if I wanted to see him again, and I haven't. He told me I wasn't over WS yet.
So, I asked my IC and she said, "Nope, you are over your WS."
So, why am I physically holding back? I think with SO (fSO), the relationship wasn't right at the time. He wasn't really ready to date (widower) and I knew it. Oral sex seems so....personal to me...and I didn't want to let him in all the way. Now, a year later, we are slowly, slowly creeping back to each other.
I have a feeling this is all tied together somehow. Not letting people all the way "in". Not letting men all the way "in". I've slammed most of them back against the wall as soon as they misstep, and SO, I didn't let him have my entire body.
So confused, trying to uncover this last layer.
The emotional and mental abuse that went on in my marriage was staggering. The physical rejection seems to be lingering, though. So many years of just being rejected on every level.
[This message edited by cmego at 7:05 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]