"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

lknup posted 4/8/2013 01:36 AM

I know it is that time and I am close to panic attacks over it. They will be devastated and I am worried for their health. Any tips to make this easier for them? Right or wrong I have protected them in the past from most of our issues, so this will be a huge blow. They are several hours away so this will have to be over the phone.

SBB posted 4/8/2013 07:07 AM

My mum called it well before our wedding day so I didn't have to face this. I was more worried about an "I told you so" (it did come but she kindly waited a month).

All I can say is I hope that they put aside their own feelings and step up to support you here. You're the one who needs TLC.

They might surprise you friend. I really hope they do.

Sunnie posted 4/8/2013 07:23 AM

It took me weeks to tell my mother. She also lives several thousand miles away. There is no easy way to do it. They will be hurt for you (be prepared - that was hard for me to witness) but they are adults and your parents and will be there to support you. I found it helped that I told my mother I was ok, had all my s--- together and then I still let her baby me a little (because it seems to have made her feel better). Good luck!

stillstrong posted 4/8/2013 07:43 AM

You may be surprised. When I told my parents, they weren't surprised. They had seen enough of ex's selfishness on visits to see what I couldn't because I was IN the marriage. They were hurt for me, but mostly supportive and asking what I needed. They even talked me into taking what they called an advance on my inheritance and paid rent to get me out of in-house hell. Be prepared for lots of worrying and phone calls to make sure you're ok. (that was my experience)
ETA: My parents are late 77 and 80 and their health didn't suffer. I think now that some time has gone by, (8months) they are happy about it, because I'm happier.

[This message edited by stillstrong at 7:45 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

Dreamboat posted 4/8/2013 08:11 AM

(((hugs)))

The single hardest thing I had to do was tell my parents when X moved out. While they were both supportive, my Mom took it better than my Dad. When I told my Dad, he looked like someone had punched him in the gut. But that was the worst of it. After their initial shock they rallied around me and were very supportive.

roughroadahead posted 4/8/2013 09:50 AM

My parents have been great. I did not tell them about the A until the day of S because I knew they would harbor a burning hatred of WH until the day they died, and this would have been very awkward at Thanksgiving if we had successfully R. I was right about that. My mom cried a lot, and my dad (who is from southeast London, for cultural context) ranted and raved about having WH "sorted out".

They have been very supportive. They have helped with the kids, bought me random household things, loaned money for start up expenses. I can call them when I'm having a tough day. I'm so glad I told them.

roughroadahead posted 4/8/2013 09:53 AM

Double post. Thanks, phone.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 10:14 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

reclaimingmyself posted 4/8/2013 10:11 AM

Right or wrong I have protected them in the past from most of our issues, so this will be a huge blow. They are several hours away so this will have to be over the phone.

I also covered for the ex for years and I was really apprehensive about telling my parents we were done. I had to tell them over the phone as well and actually I think that kind of helped - it just gave me a bit of space while we all processed things.

I hope your parents reaction is the same one I got from my parents - lots of love and support.

roughroadahead posted 4/8/2013 10:12 AM

Triple post

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 10:13 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

KeepOnMovin posted 4/8/2013 10:17 AM

My parents are 75 and 78. They celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this summer. They live about 600 miles away.

I never told them anything until I had to cancel Christmas with them because STBX refuses to go with me and the boys to visit.

I was surprised how supportive they were of me. I never mentioned any of STBX's cheating because I knew they would be so upset with her, for screwing me over. When I finally did, they really helped me so much. I only regret not being open with them years ago, about how awful STBX was to me.

Big Red Flag is If you find yourself defending your spouses actions to those who have unconditional love for you.

I'm closer to them now than I've been for my entire adult life. Your parents may surprise you. Mine did.

Nature_Girl posted 4/8/2013 10:18 AM

I had to tell my elderly, frail mother over the phone. I was terrified because she's of the "women must submit to men" and "wives obey your husbands" mentality. STBX had persuaded her & Dad over the years to join him in subjugating me and keeping me in this marriage. I'd told her & Dad some of the things I was going through, but it always came back to being advised to pray, submit, and don't even think of leaving because I could not possibly make it on my own with three children.

So my hands were shaking when I called Mom (Dad passed away several years prior). She broke down in tears, sobbing so hard she could not speak. But when I told her what STBX was up to she pushed through her sorrow and offered to kill him.

Dadtryingtocope posted 4/8/2013 10:53 AM

I waited about 4 weeks so I was sure that my ex was not going to even try and R. Then I made three calls. I called my attorney. I called my parents. I called her parents. Everyone knew the same day. I spent hours on the phone with all of them. I went over the timeline of details so they knew what I knew. In the end it was the right thing for me to do. They needed to know for the sake of their feelings and my kids sake. I needed to tell them as it really helped in my healing process. I have been very fortunate as both sides of the family has rallied around me. My stupid STBEW just continues to dig a deeper hole with her own parents with her attitude and actions.

nowiknow23 posted 4/8/2013 15:11 PM

My father is in very poor health. Frail, in a nursing home, and suffering from depression. I worried about telling him, but my sister convinced me to let him know. He was incredibly supportive, obviously hurt for me and the kids, and gave me the biggest hug of my entire life.

Here's the unexpected thing - Dad got to be, well, Dad again. He got to advise me, comfort me, fuss over me, etc. For so many years, our roles have been somewhat reversed, with me and my siblings taking care of him, shuttling him to doctors' appointments, and advising him on estate matters and health issues.

In a way, this gave him his old job back, and it's been wonderful for our relationship and for his state of mind to be back in that role.

And I've definitely benefited from his support, attention, and advice as well.

tesla posted 4/8/2013 21:49 PM

I called my dad up and told him. It was a huge shock to him. He started crying. In my entire life, I've never seen him cry. He's been with me the whole way, giving me advice and support. We are closer now than we have ever been. Last Christmas he sent me a Christmas card...just from him (he's never done that before) telling me how proud he is of the woman that I've become. He's never been like that. So, in a way, the D has been the best thing for my relationship with him. Strange the blessings that come to us during our darkest times.

[This message edited by tesla at 9:49 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

Happydays posted 4/9/2013 12:18 PM

I told my parents everything from day one. Each suspicion, FWWs narcissistic behaviour, d day, police dramas, D.

They were extremely supportive. Dad did extensive research on how to tackle false cases in courts etc.. while I juggled between my demanding job and rapidly detoriating health.

I don't know what I would've done without them.

damncutekitty posted 4/9/2013 12:26 PM

I tired to keep the whole mess from my parents. (We are not close) But during the MC-suggested trial separation I had a complete suicidal breakdown and ended up in the ER. My parents were furious with me for not telling them what kind of turmoil my life was in.

lost4now posted 4/9/2013 14:31 PM

I suffered in silence for three and a half long years before I told my parents and siblings what was going on in my life. I became a very good actress!!!

My parents live about 4 hours away as well and they are 70. It was the single worst thing I had to tell my parents as they have known my STBXH since we were 13. My dad said it felt like he lost his best friend in my STBXH. He was devastated. My mom and dad have been extremely supportive. They call me and check up on me all of the time. I am so very glad I finally told them the truth.

And....I laugh a bit because both of my sisters want to beat the crap out of STBXH and his OW!!!!